NSFW What if he doesn't take the initiative to instigate sex?

First thing I would do is talk to him about it and see if there is something going on (as in he is too tired or just doesn’t feel the urge to initiate). If it’s a change from what we were use to, I would try to talk to him to see what has changed in our life at the time his sex drive changed. This happened to my husband once and it was a side effect of medication that he was on. He’s sex drive was decreased a lot. He was still willing to have sex if I started something, but he would not initiate it. Once we talked about it, we were able to figure out that it started shortly after he started the new medication. Sure enough, the medication had listed that it lowered sex drive. He talked to his doctor and switched medications and the issue was resolved.

Aside from talking to him about it, I would start to initiate more often or try to do things to get him to initiate (like dressing in clothing that I know he likes or mentioning things I would like to do to him while we are cleaning up before we even get up to the bedroom).

If you work together it’s a better solution where you have more time to be together your sex life may pick up markedly to where you make love several times a day…Of course this is a prime example. 20 times a day without effort! __e

Firstly ask him why, even though he too wants to do it more often (or it seems so from your post), he never initiates it. Secondly, get used to being provocative.

I’d say watch some porn to get a hint on how to arouse him, but it can be a double edged sword like no other, so simply do whatever comes natural.

If you’re playful in bed it’s really easy too, just let the whole thing escalate towards sex, it’s really natural.

Incidentally i have kinda the same problem with my girlfriend. After we do it she’s can’t stop smiling, and asksherelf why dont we do it more often. When i try to start something she keeps saying “you only think about that”. What the fuck! /rant

I think both partners need to initiate sex, it shouldn’t just be one person’s responsibility…both need to feel loved and adored and wanted sexually.

Or mutually initiate sex…plan a sexy evening together… have a carpet picnic with fruit and blindfold one another, read some sexy short stories (Anais Nin) Talk about your fantasies together, watch a classy but naughty film, try out some sex games….that kind of stuff perhaps?

Weird,but as I know men will want sex more than women. But in that case I would be a bit manipulative. I’ll ask him if he wants to watch a romantic movie (or porn) together with me,this way he would be stimulated enough to do it again. I always believe in motivation,stimulation,and the way we influence other people.

In my case, I want sex all the time, but initiating sex with such frequency would (IMHO) be more than an imposition.

Another factor that affects my decision is how my wife responds. She’s said, on different occasions, that if I “want some” I should ask for it, yet when I do so she either doesn’t feel like it or uses my request as an opportunity to remind me of things she’s dissatisfied with (and must be corrected) before she considers having sex.

Much easier to wait until she’s ready to avoid the aggravation.

(Unfortunately, she hasn’t been “ready” in quite some time and it doesn’t appear as if she’ll be ready anytime in the near future.)

@SABOTEUR when I do so she either doesn’t feel like it or uses my request as an opportunity to remind me of things she’s dissatisfied with (and must be corrected) before she considers having sex.

Fuck, using sex as a blackmail object is never a good sign.

@Thammuz You’re right. And I’m so pig-headed I’ll ignore whatever her complaints are just because I refuse to be manipulated, so neither of us get what we want.

A lose-lose situation indeed.

@SABOTEUR is trying to sort the situation out of the question? There has to be some reason behind this, unless she was like this since you met her, which would make me think masochism.

The easiest solution would be to simply take care of whatever it is she wants me to do.

Overall, though, my wife has never really been that interested in sex. I don’t think she’s ever considered the emotional abuse that occurs when either party mixes any sort of negativity with sex, so to her, her “prerequisites” are probably just a way to get things done.

Oh, my heart goes out to you. I was married to a man much like you described for 14 years. Same thing – sex was good, but it was only going to happen if I initiated it. I tried talking, telling him how it made me feel, we discussed it towards the end in therapy. I have no trouble initiating sex part of the time, but it really made me feel undesirable to never be the one pursued.

I hope you’re able to find an answer.

Thanks, @netgrrl…I’ve managed for 25 years now, I should be able to manage 25 more.

That is, of course unless they do away with YouPorn.com.

I’m glad you can manage. For me, there was no lonelier feeling in the world than to hear someone sleep in the bed next to me feeling light years apart. I’m less alone being single.

Self moderated

Actually, you don’t necessarily have a problem at all!:
You love eachother, check!
Sex is good, check!
He wants to have sex with you and you with him, check!
You have the time togother, check!

Why would you insist so harshly that he initiates?
Initiate it yourself! you know he wants to…

Sometimes all of our problems come from us insisting that reality should be other than it is!
He probably has a problem to initiate, so what?

Think of it this way: He is presenting a gift to you. The gift is to learn yourself to do something which is probably not so easy for you to do, initiate sex. He is actually a miror of you. Give that mirror a big hug and start practicing! you will see that once you stop caring “who initiated”, you will have a lot of great sex, whenever you want to, and I’m quite sure once sex is such a regular activity between the two of you, he will also feel secure enough to initiate – but don’t you be waiting for that! you be starting your own work!

Why would you insist so harshly that he initiates?
Initiate it yourself! you know he wants to…

That’s exactly the problem. I am in a similar situation, and i can tell you, without a doubt, that what you suggested doesn’t work.

If someone is uncomfortable doing something, and you always do it for him, he’ll never do it on his own. If he wants it he should show it too, otherwise the relationship becomes one sided with him being passive and always expecting her to do all the work. Which leads to her feeling unloved on the long run.

I’d have the talk and find out if his “equipment” has become unreliable? A lot of guys wish it away and hope it’s temporary without accepting they might have a real health issue causing it and they’ll come up with excuses like being tired, being stressed, whatever. More than a few diabetic men I’ve know lost command over their junk long before they ever learned they had the disease and that’s what had caused it, same thing with high blood pressure.

Your suggestions and input continue to be very helpful. The perspective of women and how they feel when this kind of problem has been part of their experience has been especially revealing and insightful. Sometimes medical problems or medications can play a big role in undermining a man’s sex drive, even where he still can perform and enjoys doing so once things get started.

I would be grateful for other suggestions or opinions anyone may have to offer!

@Dr_Lawrence , I disagree with @Thammuz, you can try and look up other questions and see that whenever a diffrence exists between partners, family, or friends, usually the most helpful answers are the one’ s saying “don’t change the other person, change your attitude towards them, or towards the situation”
If you are uncomfortable with having a spouse who does’t initiate, terminate the relationship. If you are not that uncomfortable, accept it and initiate sex when you want it.
If you want to change your spouse, forget it! people only change on their own initiative, to go around the world trying to change people is only a cause for frustration. We can either accept people as they are, or accept ourselfs and understand that we cannot live with them.
Having the other person change is not an option….

Well said, @Marva.

@SABOTEUR Thank you ;)

@Dr_Lawrence
I’m female and having been involved with a partner with health issues then I can say insecurity does creep in, wondering about your part in arousal and all that. I used to think it was better to be a man but with those things, I don’t envy much anymore.

I just tell my husband that he needs to hit on me more. That usually does the trick.