How can I help a family member whose spending is out of control?

Block all his ways to get money from the family resources (bank accounts, credit cards, etc), then see where it goes.

If he gets more and more frustrated about it there’s something fishy.

This is more problem than you are likely to be able to handle.

Drugs? Gambling? The Underworld?

Plus, you say he is continuing to lie about what is happening.

He does not want help. He just wants to be bailed out.

Do not give him any money! Until he hits bottom and really wants help. Until he wants to stop lying, you cannot help him.

Consider going to Gam-Anon, which will help you to understand your relative better.

Yes, people in this situation don’t want your support, they want your money. That’s just how it is. I am not being judgemental, I am speaking from my own personal experience. Lies are so easy, and when you get stuck in them you can’t find your way back out. As it stands you can’t do a lot to help, don’t give him money, offer him support and advice and agencies that deal with it. If he doesn’t accept any of that then there really isn’t a lot you can do to help. The sad thing in this situation is being helpless. There is a chance that being confronted might help, but that could make it worse. It’s very complicated and to be honest you shouldn’t have to be taking this on board. it will make your life difficult and stressful, I know you care about this person but when you have done all you can there is a point where you have to start thinking about yourself again. it’s not selfish, it’s just practical

Hi all, this is someone in my FAMILY. I can’t leave it that way. The debt may come one day to my front door. What will I do than? I really want to help. We tried talking with him and understanding why and where all this money is going to, but all answers are just lyies. Lie aftar lie to the his own family :-(

Everyone are going to give up on him :-(

@Ranimi23 Cut his money sources. Prevent him from getting money unless he comes straight. Get the poice to freeze his accouts if you can.

Sometimes people just need to go all the way down in order to climb back up. Be there for him, not as an authority, or someone who knows right from wrong, but send a message that you are there for him if he wants your support, whether in actions, words, or just listening. Be careful not to judge him , you can’t help him from a pedestal, only from eye-hight (If that expression stands in english, I am not sure). About giving money, you will have to feel at each step what would be the right thing to do, there is no rule.
And don’t forget that you might just not be able to help, cause as I started: Sometimes people just need to go all the way down in order to climb back up.
Make sure he knows you’re there when he hits rock-bottom.

His wife took from him all the credit card. But somehow now from VISA money dropped he paid for something he himself can not explain. They have a joint account and he withdrew money without telling anyone, a lot of it :-(

You can’t save him, unless he wants to be saved. When someone’s hellbent on fucking his life over, there’s nothing you can do. It’s not nice, but it’s true, unless she withdraws all the money and stores it on another account under her name there’s no way he’ll stop.

@Thammuz Actually, we don;t know if not giving him access to money could make thigns even worse, it could if it was underworld he was messed up with, people get killed, or even commit suicide over things like that. I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying this possibilty needs to be taken into account.

He swore on his family life and children it’s not the underworld, but how can I believe that after all the lies?

@Marva I know, but i believe in survival of the fittest. Besides wether you cut the money now, or let him waste it all, he’ll eventually reach that point, the question is wether he will bring down his whole family with him or not. My suggestion prevents the second part and speeds up the first, also providing him an alternative to suicide, which is coming clean.

@Ranimi23 You can’t. And you shouldn’t. Unless you have good reasons to think that’s the truth don’t take his word on anything related to the matter. Afterall by wasting his money he’s already endangering his family, swearing on their lives isn’t gonna make things worse.

If the last debt will not be paid now, it will only grow every month from now. And what than? Who will pay it? I want to help, not let this grow any more and stop the lies and know the true and than I will know what need to be done, but it seems the person don’t want to share anything, just leying again and again and everyone are giving up on him.

He may sucidie or someone else in the family may get heart attack. This is what I’m most frightened, how will it end :-(

@Ranimi23 If you pay off his debt he’ll think he got away with it and won’t change.

Interest rates usually aren’t so high that you have to worry about a couple of months more, and in this case that’s all you need, usually.

As I said, you should act according to what feels right, us from afar can only share our diffrent views and speculations. We are all right and wrong at the same time, because we only speculate. Your gut feeling is the only tool you have on this issue, in my opinion. Besides, will he let you help with the debt?

@Marva will he let you help with the debt?

The question says he keeps lying to get more and more money to pay his debt

I confronted him today to hear the whole story. With slightly different approach I have come to hear how it all rolled out and how he came into this situation of complications with money and lies. I have no choice but to believe the story, assuming he is not lying to me.

I have no choice but to help him, otherwise who will care for him? You do not choose family.

I feel I must help, and by talking to him and crying with him I think it is the first step to admit there is a problem that need to be solved some how.

If you pay him off you’re not helping him. That aside, be there for him and help him, that’s always good.

First I want to listen and hear the all story, how it came to that. Now that he admit to me what is the problem, I need to think how it is going to be solved. Maybe he should go to a psychologist or Psiachater? I do not know yet.

Debts are not going to disappear or be arrested. First of all I wanted him to admit everything and the situation.

You’re just prolonging what is going to happen by paying up. He’ll be very thankful, at first. But no real lesson will have been learned here so the chances that he’ll lapse back in the same “problems” are extraordinarily high.

I can understand your desire to help them as family bonds run deeply in my family too. But the real deal is that people have to learn to stand on their own. If they don’t then the same problems will cycle again and again and again. Are you going to keep helping him when his luck runs out? How hard are you going to have to work so you can help him? What about other people in your family who are victimized by this behaviour?

If he was in my family then I would find ways to cut off access to credit cards and bank accounts so he couldn’t ruin the credit of and burden the family anymore.

I agree with most of the other posters.

I’d also take it a step furthur and say that you need to examine your true motives in wishing to become involved with this persons problems.

We can never change others, and, as has been mentioned, sometimes the most loving thing we can do is let somebody hit their rock bottom.

Your overwhelming need to ‘help’ might be stemming from an underlying need of your own, to be the hero or rescuer, and therefore be ‘seen’ by others in a particular light.

A really easy way to identufy if you are being codependent in a situtation is to look at your feelings when your efforts do not acheive the desired results.

IF your efforts to help this person fail and you feel angry, resentful, martyred, then you will know that your true motives are really about YOU and not the other.

‘Help’ is often the sunny side of control.

You can offer support and compassion but you have no control over this person and their spending habits. To even attempt to control their spending habits is a red flag that speaks volumes about your need to control.

The best thing you can do is let go with love and allow this person to make and learn from their own mistakes.

I thank you very much for the assistance and advice and willingness to help. Hope to do the right thing together with the whole family come out of this stronger. Hopefully. That’s all I have left now. Believe.

Good luck!