Why can't I let go of my husband when I left him? He is moving on and it is killing me.

WE WERE ON A BREAK!

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Joking aside, did you “leave” your husband like you’ll be getting divorced? Or did you simply “leave” to stay at your mom’s for a while, like an extended trip?

Sorry…but your husband is right.

I know this isn’t what you want to hear..but it’s the truth.

You left him, you left your home, you left your marriage.

Was there any discussion of a short term separation to see if you could work things out?
Or did you simply leave without any discussion as to what outcome you were seeking, or…did you leave and threaten divorce?

You must accept the consequences of your actions.

You chose to leave and he has every right to move on based on your decision to leave.

Who and what he is doing now is none of your business, period.

Now it is only about an adult discussion to see if there is any chance of reconciliation or, time to seek a divorce.

I think this might be a case of ’ be careful what you wish for.’

Good luck to you.

He had to do what he had to do… same as you.

@Coloma hit it on the head. You left him. I will even go so far as to say that whether you mentioned divorce or said you might be back after clearing your head or something along those lines – you left. Once you left, he was free to do what he thought was right. I am sorry to say this, and it sounds like a choice you may have made under duress, but it was your choice nonetheless. It might be a bit tacky for him to have a lady spending the night in the home you shared less than three months after you moved out, but tacky doesn’t equal cheating.

If you think you might want to work things out with him, tell him so. Explain that the stress of losing your father might have caused you to make the wrong choice about leaving him and ask if he is interested in talking about making another go of the marriage. A couple of things to keep in mind though, you really don’t know the nature of his relationship with this woman unless there is more you are not sharing they may not be sleeping together. Also, whatever this relationship consisted of, you have to make up you mind that badgering him or berating him over it is off limits because whatever happened happened at a time when he more than likely believed the marriage was over.

It’s rough, I know.

But instead of obsessing about what your husband is doing, you need to focus on what you want. Asking other people “WTF?” isn’t going to get you anywhere. You don’t need affirmation to be depressed and angry.

If you decide you want to find someone else yourself, do what that requires, starting with finding something or someone that captures your imagination.

If you want to work things out with quasi-ex-hubby, that’s an option. Chances are the other woman is the least impediment to your reunion. The big ones are:

1. How he felt about you before you left.
2. The fact that you left.

If you want him back, plan to WIN him back. Do you want to be better with him than you were before? Are you willing to extend yourself to make that happen? Show him! You damn well ought to know what he likes.

My Ex left me in the lurch too, never seen her for months,, until she got wind that I met someone else, she soon tried to get back, if you just up & left as she did then what do you expect?? :-/ life goes on I’m afraid………

Sometimes it is harder for the person who actually makes the final break. You have the final burden of ending the relationship, which means any doubts or regrets weigh more heavily on you. From your husband’s perspective he probably rationalizes and moves on with, “well she left me” in his mind. I am going to assume you were not feeling so awful until he acquired this new friend. That is very common. Learning your exspouse has moved on can be very traumatic. It happened to me with an exboyfriend, we mutually broke up, he had been pretty crappy to me for a lot of our relationship, and I was sort of ok after the break up. Then I found a few weeks later he had a girlfriend and I was a total mess. Dry heaves every morning, I would shake for no reason, cry, couldn’t eat, it was emotionally and physically horrible. I was pretty bad for over 4 months, I had to take xanax regularly for about 6 weeks to be able to function. For many months I could not even think of any shitty thing my x had done, I just wanted him back, not only because I was sure I had made a mistake breaking up with him, but also because I wanted the pain to end.

I spoke to 3 different people who had been though divorces as young women, and all of them said the same thing, it was horrible for them, even if they wanted the divorce, and it took them almost 6 months to get back to a semi-normal level of functioning. They were all gald they had divorced, they all got divorced because it was the right thing to do, and breaking up with my x was right also.

I know that was a long response, my goal in telling you all of this is to let you know that it is very common to feel as you do, even when the break up is the right reason. You are grieving having been with someone for many years. Even people who are abused and kept against their will sometimes miss their captures – stockholm syndrome. The mind does strange things. Try to indulge yourself a little in things you like to do, if you feel able to enjoy yourself, Let others help you, many people knw the pain you are going through, talk to them. People who have no idea of the type of loss you have been through may not be very good at making you feel better or undertood, and they may have little patience for you being upset; avoid thos people they are not helping. My girlfriends and sister were unbelievable when I went through my hard time. They came over to visit, listened to me when I was upset, tolerated me more then I ever would have expected. I know you will feel better soon, everyone I know gets better.

Also, you mentioend you might have left your husband because you were distraught by your grief from your father dying, I thnk don’t forget that you are grieving right now two major changes, your father dying and your marriage ending. Try to be patient, and accept you might be upset for a while. I have a friend who was ok for 2 month after her mother died, and then boom she fell apart, kept going from doctor to doctor because some of it manifested physically, really bad. She lost almost 30 pounds in a month, and she was only about 20 pounds overweight at the time, she looked awful. Eventually she got better too, took about 7 months.

I am sorry to hear of the loss of your father. And yes, it could very well be you made a rash decsision in those circumstances. That’s ok though, because it sounds like your husband would understand. why don’t you go back to your home, try to live together again and see if you can work things out? (proffessional help would be a good inviroment to make sure things don’t get out of hand again) you can always re-leave, having made a more calculated descision…
About other friend, you have not given a reason why you shouldn’t believe your husband. He could just aswell be heart broken and found someone to share it with. But, you could definitly drive him into her arms if you continue this path of snooping and acusing. I assume you do this, because you want to go back but don’t know how to say it, maybe even to yourself.
About “it’s my house and I have a right to….”, that’s all controll bulshit of the most childish kind. You have no controll over him , unless you declare you are his again, and he accepts.
Good luck! feel well!

Is your husband at all interested in working things out? I’d suggest counseling. If he has already moved on and, in his mind, the relationship is over, you will need to give yourself time to recover and move on yourself.

My mother went through something similar. She left my dad, and she filed for divorced. Years later, once she was unhappily remarried and my dad was very happily remarried, she started saying she was still in love with him and never wanted to leave in the first place. Granted, my mom is crazy to begin with, and using her as an example of normal behavior probably isn’t a good idea. You can’t help how you feel, but you can control your own actions and try to solve your problems before your marriage can’t be salvaged. If you are still living out of state, go back, get a counselor, and rebuild your relationship. If he is seeing someone else romantically, you’ll have to deal with that and learn to forgive him. He will have to learn to forgive you for leaving.

If you don’t want to move back and work on things, file for divorce so you can both get on with your lives.

You left because you were unhappy in the marriage. Once you left you saw how quickly and easily your husband got on without you, could his value of you have had much to do with why you were unhappily married in the first place? Maybe instead of being jealous you should be thankful to be able to move on and be open to being with someone interested in working on a relationship so you don’t end up wanting to leave it.

Show a little moxy and move back in to your home immediately. Show a little humility and apologize to your husband. Show a little patience and allow time to heal all wounds. Show a little empathy and understand things from your husbands point of view. Show a little love and be there for him.

Nothing is ever as good as it seems, and nothing is ever as bad as it seems.

Live and learn, and live again.

On the other hand, if you’ve been unhappy with your marriage for some time, before your father died, you better ask yourself a few pointed questions in the mirror. Start with “Why”?

If you really want a second chance, if you play your cards right, he will be soon asking you to “talk”. Whatever you do don’t grovel and look pretty 24/7. In the meantime, go out have some fun of your own.

I am so impressed by all the great advice given by @Coloma , @MissAusten , @Marva ,
@JLeslie , @RealEyesRealizeRealLies and others. I could not have done any better!

You need to decide what you want and what you are prepared to do about it.
Then you better get on with it, seeking whatever help (personal and/or marital therapy)
you (and your husband) need.

You need to take the time to grieve the death of your Dad. This is necessary no matter what happens in the resolution of your marriage.

You need to define your goals for the rest of your life and make plans to life it to the fullest.

I think sometimes it’s hard not to get upset when an ex moves on—even if you don’t want them back. It’s hard when you assumed that the relationship wasn’t working out because something was wrong with him. Then you see him perfectly happy with someone else and it makes you think—oh man.. maybe it was ME who was the messed up one all along.

Sometimes when my life is going kind of crusty, I look up my exes, hoping that they are suffering and I can pat myself on the back for leaving them—and then I get even more bummed out because they are doing perfectly fine without me.

@keobooks

Hah! NOW tha’ts a great and honest and insightful sharing! :-)

I misread this question. I thought it was two YEARS, not two MONTHS. I kind of wonder if he had this woman on the back burner for a while. If all was going well in your marriage, I don’t think he’d hook up with someone else in a mere two months.

Whoa. You left your husband three months ago after your father died, and he has someone new already? Did he show up at your step-mother’s and ask you to come back, suggest counseling? If he did, and you pushed him away, then perhaps you made a mistake by not talking it out with him then. If he didn’t then your instincts in leaving were correct, and something was seriously wrong in the relationship that you were avoiding dealing with, and the loss of your father made it too much.

It sound what you’re feeling is the result of too much change all at once, so it seems like you’re missing your husband. Really what you’re missing is the familiarity and the pattern. You didn’t leave your husband for another man, so somehow he’s making himself the injured party in all this.

Give yourself a chance to grieve for the loss of your father, and to the rawness of having to reinvent your life. If your husband is interested in working things out, give it a try, but it sounds like moving on is coming too easy for him, and his focus is on himself. You are married, and not dating. There should be an implied level of support during tough times.

You might have made a mistake. You could reconcile in the future but you cannot blame him for anything he’s done once you left. You could feel hurt, of course but you have to keep in perspective why you left.