How do you let go of hatred?

When you figure it out, let me know.

There are a few people I wouldn’t push in front of a moving train – but I wouldn’t go out of my way to pull them off the tracks, either. I’m not proud of it, but that’s what the self-preservation instinct is all about, right?

In my life this has not been an elegant journey. I think a person’s hate is as unique and private to themselves as the wounding that started the hatred seeping. I don’t believe there is one way to let go of hate or any emotion, for that matter. I have personally found the practice of Tonglen Meditation particularly helpful when it comes to the world of my emotions.

In my work and in my personal journeys with self and others, learning to accept the hatred is a chore in itself. It seems, another journey begins with the awakening desire to stop hating. It may sound simple, but as i guess you know, it is a deeply rooted complication. It helps me to read the stories of others. I suggest this article in the Journal of Humanistic Psychology: Letting go of Bitterness and Hate and other writings by survivors of abuse.

Something about awakening to the desire for ‘something different’ with others (even if it is via the written word) comforts me.

Your hate only hurts you, not him. Hate takes energy you could put into being happy. Why let him continue to have that power over you?

(I know it’s not a how-to, but realizing this in the past gave me the incentive I needed to let hate go. I hope it works for you, too.)

@netgrrl Uh yeah. But easier said than done. Pronounced sed. See the sed thred.

When one is ready, it’s easy – like a slow leak in a balloon, she sed.

In reality your marriage was coming to an end anyway, if she was out cheating on you. So if you should hate anyone it should be yourself and her. He was just out there. But, you obviously still love her and don’t want to hate her, so you transfer that hate to him. You are also avoiding any responsibility in the downfall of the marriage. Sorry to be so blunt, but!!!

man, this is tough. Best way to let go of hate is to remove their presence from your thoughts. The less the memory of them pester you, the less chances you have to remember how much you hate him. The more you pick the scab, the longer it bleeds. Sure, it itches, but you need to give it space to heal.

I’ve dealt with a lot of severe hatred this way. Distance works for me. Distance and distraction. Once I get over it, things don’t bother me so much anymore. Then again, I don’t hold grudges, so that might have something to do with it.

I like a bit of what @breathe wrote in that there was probably something going on and your wife chose to cheat, could’ve been a different guy but it was “him”. I also agree it’s easier to transfer anger, bitterness or even hate to someone else instead of someone you still deal with in some shape or form but it’s not really fair because she chose to take action in the first place and he was a detail of that action.

Aside from that, I’m with @Seek_Kolinahr.

Would you mind saying if you knew or still know him?

@liminal Are you talking to me? Use the @ please.

@zenele I’ve always assumed, unless otherwise noted, posts are in reference to the OP, apologies. Would you mind saying if you knew or still know him? (I ask because the information would inform another response I have been thinking about sharing.)

@liminal – you might just be chatting with someone above you. That’s why they’re called threads… especially in the “social” section…

I knew him, we were friends. I see him almost everyday, unfortunately.

@liminal I know somebody that went through what you are going through now. She even took the kids and he never saw them again. That was 25 years ago. The guy she ran off with has since died, and she immediately married the other guy she was having an affair with at the same time 25 years ago. Go figure. Some women are “all about themselves”
I would suggest you forget her and him. They know what they did and they have to live with it, why should you. Get out there and find yourself a GOOD woman, and you will wonder why you ever wasted your time hating them.

Here’s an interesting article that might help:

To overcome my hatred of a person or group of people I need to

* assess my hatred: Is it based on what is real or on what is imagined?
* determine if the person or group of people intentionally set out to hurt, abuse, neglect, or mistreat me.
* analyze whether or not the person or group of people knew how negatively I was being affected by them.
* identify what relevant facts were lacking for the person or group of persons in their dealings with me.
* analyze what my thinking was like at the time I was being mistreated.
* identify the irrational component of my thinking about this mistreatment and replace it with more rational and realistic thinking.
* perform anger work-out sessions until I have exhausted my hatred to the point where I can forgive and forget the past.
* admit that even if a person set out to hurt me, knowing full well how badly I would feel, it does me no good to harbor this hatred. It exhausts my emotional energy. I need to let go of it and get on with my life.

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14654-overcoming-hatred/

I think of that person I really hate as a baby or a little child. I believe even the most baddest of people were all born innocent like every human being, not knowing what to make of their new world. They’re easily influenced by other people by how the they interact to their environment, and leaves a lasting impression on their minds as a universal rule of how they treat everything they’ll encounter for the rest of their lives. This helps me be more tolerant of them and ask why they act that way that makes me hate them.