Well, you gotta talk. Like @tedd said, you have to find out how serious it is, and whether he talks straight about it or tries to hide it further. You have a lot to do with which way he will go. If you say something like, “I recognize we might have problems in our relationship, and I really want to hear from you what you are really feeling,” he might talk openly. You should emphasize that you will listen and not start judging him.
You could ask him to talk and then jump to defend yourself the first time he complains about you, but that will get you nowhere. It’ll just shut down the conversation you need to have. Someone recently told a story about an agreement they made with their kids. They signed it. It said something like if they were ever in a situation where they needed a ride home, they should call, and if the parent ever started in on the kid about it, they’d owe them $1000. I forget what the agreement was the other way.
My point is that you have to listen. You have to be willing to believe your husband is a good man who loves you, but who has found himself in a situation where it seemed like he had to find another relationship to get whatever it is he wasn’t getting at home. You have to find out what that thing is, and he has to hear you talk about whatever your thing is, and then you have to figure out how to give it to each other. Counseling helps.
This is all assuming that the problem is serious. It’s not just silliness.
If he thinks he’s serious, then he’ll be thinking about leaving you. He’ll be thinking the grass is greener. The new woman really loves him, whereas you are just not delivering. Likely there will be issues of sex frequency. Or intimacy frequency. Something has come between you: work, time, a hobby, sex, health… something.
His IMs are just a symptom. Men tend to act out more when we are missing something in our relationships. Women are more likely to curl up in emotionally bereaved balls. Men will think it is sex that is the problem. Maybe love. They’ll take action to fix it—but not effective action. Going outside the marriage mostly won’t get them what they want.
That’s what I’ve found anyway. I’ve found there are just as many problems with the other woman as there are with my spouse. So if there are going to be problems, I might as well have them with the woman who has been my partner in so many things lo these many years.
But the other, more important thing I found was that no other woman could fix me. No other woman… no other person could make me feel whole. No one else could fill that existential hole in my stomach and make me feel like a full, complete person. Only I could do that. Running from woman to woman didn’t work, wouldn’t work and couldn’t work.
But I tried. I learned what I needed to do with my wife to understand that she loved me for real. It wasn’t fake. It wasn’t just corporation “the wundayatta’s.” We didn’t have to just go through the motions. But we did have to do an awful lot of work, both with each other and on our own. The work continues and will probably continue until we die. Or maybe even after that, if there is a surviver.
My wife was willing to work on us. I’m very lucky. Not many women would, if we are to judge by the judgments we hear all the time about cheaters. I suspect that there are a lot more people who are secretly forgiving than we might believe. My wife accepted half the blame. This is crucial. No one is going to work on something where they know it will be used to keep them guilty for the rest of their lives.
She still does not trust me fully. I don’t expect her to. I don’t even think she should.
Ok. Enough. I don’t know if what happened to me is in your future. I don’t know your personality, nor that of your husband. I don’t know how open he is, nor whether he would even consider therapy. I don’t know if you guys talk well, or if it’s always a strain. I don’t know if you are defensive with each other or open.
The only thing I know for sure is that you gotta talk.
Composing members:
0
Composing members:
0
