Why might a guy decline to spend the night?

Uhm…sorry if this might not be a good answer. But maybe he doesn’t want to right now. I think it all depends on how long you two have known each other, and how close you two are. But why do you want him to spend the night? (sorry if it sounds nosey… )

To have sex. I want to have intercourse with this person. Again.

Maybe he felt rushed.

@dpworkin can you elaborate?

@mostlyclueless : Hmm well if you want to have sex, and the other left then maybe yeah what Dpworkin said. He may have felt rushed. Or maybe he didn’t think the time was right for you two yet. There are many possibilities.

Let me clarify that I am using “spend the night” and “slept together” as euphemisms for sexual intercourse. We have already had sex. I wanted to have sex again.

Maybe he wanted to slow things down and get to know you better before establishing a regular sexual relationship in which he would always be expected to spend the night.

@dpworkin: Interesting. I guess I don’t really understand this logic. Why can’t we continue having sex and still get to know each other? Dating is confusing.

Because sex artificially accelerates bonding, and some serious people are more interested in real companionship that will last then they are in immediate gratification.

@dpworkin: Huh. I like your read on this, as it beats my working hypothesis (I must have said/done something stupid and he lost all interest… I get nervous and laugh too hard at my own jokes or just freeze up and have nothing clever to say).

Take it easy. Go have fun with him, get to know him, get comfortable, and I guarantee that after that happens the sex will be better anyway.

Maybe he wasn’t that impressed on 3 and 4.

Maybe he prefers his own bed or is not as single as you may think.

Maybe he wasn’t in the mood for sex that night, but it doesn’t mean he won’t see you again.

would not overreact for many reasons (most of the reasons stated by members above)! just have fun and let everything else take care of itself!

The fact that he went out with you on a 5th date after already having sex with you twice, I would assume would mean he does like you.
Now as to what extent he likes you depends on several things.
Maybe you were sending out hints that you were looking for something serious and he was just looking for a hook up.
Maybe he had a headache.
Or you said something else that send warning signals to go away quickly and quitely.
Maybe he wants to get to know you better without having sex cloud his mind.
Maybe he had to be to work early the next morning and needed his rest.
Or it could be his herpes was acting up and he felt it would be a wrong time to tell you. :(
Maybe he had a second hot date.
Maybe he had to pick up eggs for mom on his way home.
I could go on forever.
There are a million reasons why he could’ve said no.
Best thing to do is ask him if everything is alright between you too.
Maybe he will give you a straight answer.
Maybe?

Is it possible that he needs to get a good night’s rest that particular night? I tend not to sleep all that well when I’m next to a woman I’ve not been dating all that long. @Cruiser has some less optimistic possibilities that seem to also be likely. Was the sex good for him the other times?

It’s over. Move on.

He doesn’t want you to see his Sponge Bob pajamas?
I’d go with dpworkin’s answers

Yeah, I think perhaps he is not into this pattern and doesn’t want sex to be expected.

Relax and don’t put pressure on either of you guys. Reread your answer to dpworkin ” I get nervous and laugh too hard at my own jokes” etc. I don’t like it when a woman is playing games or being something other than herself. Be honest and relaxed and don’t push too much.

Maybe he had somewhere to be the next day. Maybe he wasn’t horny. Maybe he had a stomach ache. There could be 100 different explanations.

I would say that he either had to crap, or had some obligation the next morning.

@mostlyclueless:How old are the two of you?

@jfos That literally made me LOL. Having to crap would be a big deal breaker on the sexing.

@knitfroggy Definitely a deal breaker. And a meal taker. And a real steaker. And a feel greater.

Maybe he lost interest. I have to admit there were a couple of times when I was very interested in a girl. But after we started sleeping together I lost the interest. I didn’t do it deliberately, it just happened. The sex was ok, it was just the interest wasn’t there anymore. My guess is there wasn’t enough common ground outside the bed to keep me interested. Which is why I now prefer to get to know a girl before sleeping with her. I was much younger then.

Go out with him again, and if he declines to spend the night ask him if something is wrong. Problem solved.

1. The thrill is over.
2. You are not that good.
3. He is in the process of moving on with someone else.
4. He has an STD.

Simple: spending the night was to intimate for him. It seems like a commitment. Too claustrophobic for him now and it might stay that way.

@Adirondackwannabe: 25 and 28.

Thanks for the comments, everyone. You have given me a lot to think about.

It occurs to me briefly now that he has never, in fact, slept over at my house. He left after the sex on date 3 as he had somewhere to be early the next day, and date 4 was at his house. Maybe he has a really bizarre early morning routine? Confusing.

@mostlyclueless He might have a fear of committing to a relationship is one thought that’s going thru my head. He should be pawing at your clothes at the door if you’ve only made it twice. Plus, I’d stay the night to try to get a little action the next morning. If you can, try to discuss it with him in a gentle undemanding manner. Don’t press too hard or he might shut down.

@Adirondackwannabe: I hope I’m not giving off some kind of “let’s commit!” signal. I am not really interested in a serious relationship at the moment. I was fine with casually dating, so long as that casual dating included sex…

@mostlyclueless Then communicate honestly with him. It’s a lot easier to get things out in the open and let him know what your thoughts are, as well as get his thoughts on where you both want to go.

Did you invite him? Maybe he’s respectful enough not to presume.

I think…he’s not interested any more. Maybe he thought it was just too easy or something.

@Jeruba: So much nuance to human behavior. I started to say something like, “So, do you wanna…” (to be followed by have a seat, have a drink, and/or stay the night) and he shook his head and said he had to get going. I think it was clear he was invited.

@Dutchess_III: That’s depressing.

I don’t say you are, at all (i don’t know you after all), but maybe he thought you were too easy?
For some guys yeah, really that can be a turn off.

Maybe the wife is getting suspicious. :P

I’m sorry that’s depressing, but it sort of sounds like you think sex is the way to a man’s heart, and it’s not really. In the short run, sure. Well, not the way to his heart but the way to his second brain which can be pretty controlling at times. But it’s not the way to his heart and soul in the long run, and certainly not FOR the long run.

I also think guys have a bad rep, that they’re ready any time, any where, with any one. But that’s not accurate. Perhaps he felt like he was expected to perform on demand. Or, maybe he felt like you’ve set it up so that ,“Well, here we are at the end of the date. Now we have sex.” Maybe there isn’t the romance there or something. No anticipation.

Also, what time frame did all these dates happen in? All in one week?

i am wondering if he is already in a relationship and so does not want to arouse suspicion with the other by being unavailable – the way he is doing it he is home at night for phone calls or whatever. it’s hard to explain an entire night out but it’s not hard to explain a few hours out. also if he is in one, he may be getting sex there, so therefore does not necessarily need it from you. what makes you think he’s not in a relationship?

In that case, @mostlyclueless, I’m sorry, but it sounds like he just didn’t want to. From here we can’t tell why.

@Dutchess_III: I am curious, what did I say to suggest that I think sex is the way to a man’s heart? And these dates have been happening since the last week of June, so at a rate of 1–2 per week.

@jca: We are only casually dating, so it would not be a problem for me if he was also casually dating someone else. I have been to his house and met his roommates so I am reasonably confident he does not have a significant other.

@Jeruba: Thanks. I asked the question here knowing the only way to get a real answer would be to just ask him, but it has been useful getting some perspective.

Maybe he didn’t want you to think that was all he was out for.

Guys are not that complicated. Maybe he didn’t have to have sex that night.

Also, they tend not to want things as much when they know they can have it.

@Luffle I think your final point is also very true for ladies.

People assume that women are sometimes not in the mood. Well, maybe on a somewhat smaller scale, this can happen to men as well. Stress (unrelated to the relationship) can be one of the causes.

@mostlyclueless I say that because you didn’t say one single word about his personality, nor about how much you like him, whether he was funny or smart, nothing about him at all. The entire question revolved around sex and the disbelief that he turned you down. So either that’s all you were in it for and maybe he felt a little used or offended, or you thought something else, like the best way to keep him around was with sex.

Let’s turn the question around, and I think the possible answers might be more obvious:

Why might a girl decline to spend the night?
It was our fifth date. We slept together on dates 3 and 4. Girl was affectionate and things seemed normal throughout the date. (some additional detail here based on your response to Jeruba) At the end of the date, as I walked her to her door I started to say something like, “So, do you wanna… Have a seat / have a drink / and-or stay the night wink wink.” She shook her head and said she had to get going.

Any hypotheses? I figured if she wanted to tell me why she would have just done so. I’m stumped.

Does it look a little different now?

Just curious, have you heard from him yet?

@Dutchess_III: Thanks for clarifying. I left out those details because they didn’t seem pertinent to the question. He is smart, funny, likable, all the standard stuff. I enjoy his company but after only 5 dates can’t say that I have strong feelings for him, nor do I have a good sense for “where this is going.” I only mentioned the details that I thought were relevant to our sexual relationship since that was what I wanted to speculate about.

When you turn the question around, my instinct is, “sounds like the girl lost interest in the guy.” Which was my initial read on this situation, so not any different.

@chyna: No, but this happened Sunday and we do not have a history of talking every day. I am going to be out of town this weekend so I was going to send him an email and see if he wanted to get together before I left… I’ll let you know how he responds.

i would say back off and don’t pursue him. if he likes you let him make a move now. if he does not make a move, try to see you, etc., then you’ll know how he really feels.

@jca: You think? If I wasn’t going out of town I’d agree, but if he left town and didn’t try to make an effort to see me first, I’d be a little hurt. It seems courteous to at least let him know what my schedule is, and that I’d like to see him, and he can always decline if he’s over it.

@mostlyclueless: you said you’re only casually dating so i don’t think he would be bothered by not knowing you are away for only a weekend. Also, with cell phones, you’re reachable anyway, so if he wants to call you (presumably on your cell) then he could reach you.

Do as you wish but i think you’re pursuing it too hard and acting desperate. let him show you he’s interested. So what if he calls and you’re not around. it’s not like you’re not going to be around all summer, it’s just the weekend. If this is casual then let it be casual – not one sided.

@jca: It’s desperate to let the guy know I’ll be out of town and I’d like to see him? Sheesh. Dating blows.

@mostlyclueless “All the standard stuff ” ??? Well, doesn’t sound like you’re all that interested yourself, yet you still want to have sex with him. I guess I don’t quite understand that mindset. Regardless, I’m sure there are men out there that will “date” you just to have sex with you. You just have to keep looking until you find the right one.

You know, he actually sounds like a real gentleman.

I wouldn’t call him. Let him miss you a bit, don’t be available every time he calls. Yes, dating blows.

@Dutchess_III: Man. I don’t know why I have to defend myself. I like the guy. He has good values. He stands up for what he believes in. He’s easy to talk to and doesn’t mind making an ass of himself to make other people laugh. He takes care of himself. He knows how to have fun. He’s thoughtful and generous. Am I allowed to have sex with him now?

@mostlyclueless
Yeah, that’s all nice and well, but can he cook?~

@rebbel: Yeah! I left that one out. I’m dynamite in the kitchen, and he puts me to shame.

@mostlyclueless
Great, now you can have sex.

update: I emailed him asking if he had time to get together before I left town and he replied within the hour suggesting Thursday evening.

great! maybe you’ll get to have sex!! (sarcasm)

Hmmm…this thread is like a Fluther version of “Sex in the City”. Stay tuned for Friday’s next episode…

“Will he or won’t he? Stay tuned to Friday’s episode to find out!!!”

And another update: it turns out he has a lot of trouble sleeping in general and often finds it hard to fall asleep when not in his own bed. Mystery solved.

@mostlyclueless Make him work harder to wear him out!! ;))

@mostlyclueless Thanks for the update. Do what cruiser said!