What does this sound like to you? see details?

One very unhappy person.

Somebody needs to visit a counselor.

High school kid playing victim. It’s all your fault.

A person like that is to be avoided. It will drain you.

Bad relationship and someone who isn’t a happy camper (not getting their needs met).

Whiner.

Someone who needs to learn how to take responsibility for owning their own feelings and doing their own emotional work.

It’s pretty hard to tell just from this whether any complaints are legitimate or not. The truth is rarely one side or the other.

It sounds like the stuff I would say if I wanted something like really bad from my parents haha. But they sound like random excuses and putting blame on someone else. If they really feel this way though, it kinda seems like insecurity or one trying to guilt trip the other party.

@netgrrl Positively legitimate and there is more, much more.
Two sides to every story is the norm. This is not the norm. I have been present when the disputes happen. Nobody can get a word in, without being interrupted. It is all about her.

Sounds like someone is particularly needy and is trying to communicate but hasn’t caught on to socially normative behavior (give-and-take conversation, for example). I have to give her credit for trying to say how she feels, but it could be depression too.

A response such as, “Wow, it sounds like things have been pretty rough for you lately, what are you doing to take care of yourself?” can at least provide some level of validation that her concerns were heard. I might follow up with, “I remember when I felt similar to what you are describing and I finally saw a counselor and that really helped me.”

@Kayak8 You are very intuitive and compassionate. She is 46 years old, on her 2nd marriage and has 3 kids from first marriage, 1 from second marriage. She has already been to therapy, but quit. I even went so far as to tell her I was put on a mild anti-depressant and it works very well. She also talked to her doctor at the request of her husband, and doctor put her on a mild anti-depressant. It helps for a while, but then she goes into pity me mode and there is no getting through to her.

Sounds like somebody with very low self esteem who needs to realize you reap what you sow and if they are that unhappy about things it is time to re-evaluate how they approach life and the people around them. Time for them to accept responsibility for their lives and stop blaming everyone else!

Unhappy possibly very lonely or neglected person.

A couple that you won’t find here.

@rebbel you are right about that. This is a one sided relationship. Her last marriage was also a one sided relationship. She got bored with him because he did everything she wanted, right down to the “yes dear”.
For the sake of all the kids, my son is becoming like her first husband, just to keep peace for the kids. @Neizvestnaya She is far from lonely or neglected. Everybody all but kisses her feet. She has not found out that her happiness depends on herself, but rather chooses depression and negativity.

@RANGIEBABY- My guess is she is wanting or missing something a husband and family aren’t satisfying the itch for. For some people it’s a college experience cut short, a career not ventured on, a hobby or extracurricular others think is dumb or are unsupportive of. Something is making this woman crawl into brat mode.

Sounds very codependent. And a person like that can’t stay that way all by themselves.

It sounds like Arisztid’s ex

Seriously, it sounds like someone that whomever married this person, the spouse needs to stand up, and say flat out, you can never be satisfied. I am through going overboard. I will do as I should, but will not pander to you, nor enable you. You need therapy, you need help. I will give support, but not become a doormat. Grow up, or we need to divorce. I’m sorry.

@Keysha Well said.

Sort of like my ex wife. That’s EX wife.

@Neizvestnaya You are right, and nobody including her mother, can figure out just what that is, that she needs. She has her teaching credentials, 2 sisters that have given up on why she just has to make trouble. Her father won’t even come to see her anymore, because he can’t handle the drama. I wish we or her therapist could figure out what is making her this way. @netgrrl No, she can’t stay by herself. She goes into the nobody likes me thing, nobody cares about me, etc.
She is up and about right now, and you would never know there had been a problem for the last 3 days. She is going to take the teenage boys to the beach to surf. It is crazy behavior. She may come back in a rage, who knows.
@Keysha absolutely, and he did. wow. She flew into a rage screaming all over the neighborhood how nobody cares about her feelings. She got on the phone and called everybody and told them what a horrible person her husband was, including me. I am seriously concerned.

@RANGIEBABY It’s one thing to say it, it’s another to live it. He really needs to. Let her scream, let her rage. Then show he means business by contacting a lawyer, if necessary.

NEWS FLASH!! She is in the shower, my son just told me why she came home in a different frame of mind. He sat her down and told her, “This has got to stop now. You have to make some changes in your behavior or we will get a divorce, and you can count on that. Right now the only reason I am staying with you is because of all of the kids. I love your kids and our child and they deserve more than what they are getting from both of us.” She said but you love our baby more than me. He said, that is right and I love your kids and our child more than I do you, right now. You are driving me away with this obsession and it is stopping NOW. I think she knows he is serious.

@RANGIEBABY
Ewww… I think she just tipped her hand then. Do you believe she’s felt overwhelmed by making babies and had really hoped by getting with your son that she’d found a man who would love her for her and not want or expect her to pop more kids? Maybe she’s never before felt loved by anyone without there being something or someone else attached. After what your son said, I predict she’s going to “hit bottom” and maybe by that be open to building up again. It sounds like it’s going to get really really sad. I’m sorry.

Hearing more of the story, I think she may need to be seen by a psychiatrist. Anti-depressants might work if she was depressed, but this behavior sounds like something else when more information is available.

You cannot be codependent all alone. They need therapy – crazy can’t live alone. And if you aren’t crazy when you marry crazy, you soon will be.

@Neizvestnaya I wish I could say he was the one that wanted a baby, but is wasn’t. He felt they had enough children to take care of, but she kept saying my biological clock is ticking and if I am going to have any more kids I had better get busy now. He said he really didn’t want any kids. However, after the baby was born, he has been the main caregiver right from the hospital right up to today. She didn’t want to quit her job, so he quit his and has been a stay at home dad ever since. That was all her choices.
I was reading on Bipolar & unipolar illness. She is fitting everything but the highs. I never see her really happy, unless she is drinking, then depression follows.

It sounds like she is quite possibly dealing with bipolar disorder. Anyone who has lived with this or has a loved one who has dealt with it knows it can be a tough nut to crack.

@SuperMouse Sounds like it to me also. She is always claiming that he doesn’t validate her. He never listens, as he stands there listening to everything she has to say. Which is: You don’t care about my feelings, you never listen. He asks her what it is she want to tell him, that he is listening. She can’t think of anything to say, except complain about things. All of which we all have heard many times, that don’t exist except in her mind.

I gotta go with @netgrrl, it sounds as though your son is very co-dependent with this woman. It also sounds as though you might be running the risk of becoming co-dependent with her as well. The fact is that no one is going to be able to help this woman until she is ready to help herself. It is like addiction, she is going to have to hit her own bottom and make the decision by herself to get better. It is hard to accept for those suffering in her wake, but it is the truth.

@SuperMouse Excuse me, but he may have been an enabler, but never a codependent. And as for me, I am not dependent on anyone but myself, as it should be. My son has never and never will be dependent on anyone. My father was a codependent, and my mother was an enabler.

@RANGIEBABY I obviously struck a nerve – in this and the other thread. Apologies if I offended you.

@SuperMouse I accept your apology. It is just that I am in the middle of this as we speak. I don’t want to make any mistakes and have it come apart because of me. I was an extreme shy person when I was young and very sensitive. I have finally learned it was all up to me, but it took a little time. I don’t want to hurt her in any way, but she is almost 50 years old now and needs to keep her family together. I feel so sad for her.

@RANGIEBABY When I read your post above, it resonated with me and the part that hit me was, “and [she] needs to keep her family together.” That is one potential outcome of this situation (and possibly the one you see as the best outcome), but it is not the only outcome. Candidly, it may not even be the best outcome for your son or the children.

It sounds like your son is unhappy and he has said that the marriage is over if she doesn’t change her behavior. If she is mentally ill, no amount of “trying” is going to make her or the situation better. Mental illness is a medical situation.

This situation could go in any number of directions and I think it is important for your son to decide, for himself and the children, what is the healthiest long-term outcome for them and to determine how he can best navigate them from here to there. I don’t know if he adopted her kids from the previous relationship, but it sounds like he made need therapy to clarify the situation for himself and become clear on the best possible outcome in his mind. Then he may need a lawyer to put some of the pieces in place to see that outcome to fruition.

Unfortunately, he is stuck being the adult in the situation and he will be helped in his decisions in the coming months if he is clear in his convictions. For example, an attorney might advise him to document some of the behaviors he is seeing particularly if they put any of the children (or him) at risk or even if the wife puts herself at risk. He will need to have a plan and to be thorough in its implementation and advice from professionals will only help at this point.

She may choose not to seek help, but he would be well-advised to do so.

No one meant any insult.

You see, the term codependency refers to a relationship where both people enable the other to act in certain dysfunctional ways.

This is why I suggested therapy for both of them, singly or together.

@Kayak8 He forced the issue of therapy over a year ago and made the appointment and made her go with him. They went for about a year and the therapist said she only wanted to see his wife after a while. She continued to go then quit. This isn’t the first time this has happened. It is quite frequent with her. The reason he transferred the baby and asked the two teenagers if they wanted to ride with us, is because she herself said she was not fit to drive. She knows something isn’t right, but wants to blame everyone for it. My son is taking her to her doctor to try and get to the bottom of this. @netgrrl No problem.