Am i stupid for waiting?

I think that it is quite clear that early marriages often have difficulties. That being said, it sounds as if you are both devoted to one another. I would suggest that you continue your relationship and see what happens. You have waited a long time. Surely once you are together again you could give it some time before you decided to marry.

Dont go jumpin on that band wagon. marriage should be entered seriously. maybe live with him and if you are entirely happy, then tie the knot. Alot has changed in 3 years and you need to get to know each other again.

if you are happy when you are with him again, no you are not stupid….and even if you are disappointed, at least you believe in love.

You are a little too young to really know exactly what you want out of life before you get married. See how the reunion goes for a good year. PLEASE

Love is blind and you WILL care about him being able to provide for you and your kids. It takes money and a decent job to survive…just getting by is not a lot of fun.

He didn’t talk to you for three years while he was in Mexico? Before you get too worried about the wedding or his ability to provide for your family, wait and see if he shows up in October . . .

You’re not stupid for waiting, just don’t rush in to a permanent commitment until you get a sense of his commitment and how your life together will work out.

Make sure he’s not in it for the “green card”.

I don’t think you’re stupid for waiting – not one bit. You’ve followed your heart. I think what @jazmina88 says is right. You need to get to know each other again. Three years is a long time and you’ve both grown and changed in that time no doubt. If you could look at it as starting from the beginning again, then time & your heart will tell you what you need to know.
Alos, marriage isn’t something I’d enter into lightly. I agree that living together first is a good option. Best of luck

If he had to take 3 years to get the money to return, then he has to be coming illegally. You do not need money to cross the border.

If he did not talk to you for that long, then I’d be well over him. He obviously does not care for your feelings, or he would have kept in touch better.

The whole story seems odd to me. I could be way off, but if he was here illegally to begin with, then he shouldn’t have had a social worker (because illegal immigrants aren’t eligible for benefits here in the U.S.).

Actions speak louder than words and I think you really need to protect yourself from being hurt more than you already are. He could have at least written to you if he couldn’t afford to call you. It just doesn’t really add up to me.

The next time you talk to him, ask him how he is coming back (is he just visiting and only planning to stay short term or is he planning to get a VISA)? Getting married will take a lot of paperwork and will cost some money. From my understanding, he would have to get a fiance VISA and they take quite a bit of work.

You have no idea how he has changed or what he has been doing in Mexico. Have you been following the news from Mexico? Do you know what is happening there? Where has he been living? With whom? What has he been doing? Does he have a job?
When you see him make sure he is not involved in drugs. Don’t ask. Look for signs.
Idealists believe “love” conquers all. Realists know that “drugs” do.

You are 17 and should be looking toward a good future: finishing your education, and getting a respectable job and family.

Be very, very careful. You are treading in areas that can make your life more miserable than you can imagine.

By the way, your family and friends know you and your situation a lot better than strangers here. Friends and family love you and want what is best for you. If they think you are foolish maybe they see something we don’t.

I absolutely second everything that @worriedguy is saying. Be very cautious. There is a time and place to follow your heart, but right now, follow your head. The situation sounds suspicious to me too…

You have a lot to look forward to in life now, so please don’t waste it because of some guy who is the center of your world. You need to give it some serious thought and ask yourself if you can really, wholeheartedly depend on this guy, because to me he doesn’t sound very reliable at all. If you have even a doubt in your mind, that’s your answer.

Shut him down!. Stay away!

Don’t throw your life away on such a carnal whim.

Get counseling and talk it out with someone that can truly help you and your future.

I’m swaying in my opinion with the above astute comments and would caution you to go very slowly too. Don’t take everything on face value; hard to do, I know. when you’re in love.

Really? Is this the best you can do? Are you telling me there are no nice, honest guys in your neighborhood that are interested in you and you, them?

You mentioned he “ended up being your first love” You were 14. If I interpret your statement correctly in my state he could be in prison for being a rapist. Class E felony. registered on a sex offender list.

I know you don’t like these answers but you need to do your homework, finish school and lean the importance of supporting yourself. Really.

Listen to them all, the flutherites are experienced, open-minded and very aware. Be very careful and don’t let your enthusiasm take over! One mistake at this point of your life can affect the rest of your life in an awful way. Besides that, you may make others who are innocent “victims” suffer along with you!

The heart is often stupid in matters of young love. That doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with your mind. I think you should check this guys story out. A lot of it sounds like bull to me. I think there’s a strong possibility that he’s been lying to you from the beginning, and if you let him back in your life you’ll be sorry for it.

People here, including me, are supporting your feelings but advising you to be patient and careful.

Don’t let your feelings alone be the basis for making major decisions. There are many things you do not know about him and about making your own life work to rush into anything.

If he comes, get to know him, his legal status in the country, and try living together. Don’t get pregnant!

I hope things work out well for you.

If you really love this guy, see a counselor, and get a lawyer before you marry. Make sure you and he cover all your bases, so you won’t have any legal trouble later on. This is for his protection as well as yours.

You didn’t talk to him for three years? I wouldn’t rush to the Church.

The first thought that came to mind was….“Is our government giving out papers to illegal aliens to fight our wars? To young Mexican men? Asking them to exchange their lives for a life in America?” Is that what we have come to as a nation? If you are willing to get shot, we will let you live here? There is something very disturbing about that. It’s one thing when a young American man who grew up here decides he wants to fight for his country and he chooses to go into the army…that’s a choice that was made, there was no force involved. I also heard that the armed forces are giving money to American parents (a monthly stipend) if their sons enlist as soon as they finish high school….as sort of guarantee on their son’s lives. This is troubling to me.

I realize I digressed….but that really is what stuck out…to me from this question. Why do we think we can buy lives from desperate people like this?

Three years? Mexico is incredibly impoverished. It probably did take three years for him to scrape up the money….why would it cost so much? Do you know how much it costs to get some “coyote” (illegal alien smuggler) to get you across the border? Thousands of dollars…it takes years for these people to scrape up the money. And you know what? If the coyote gets caught, you lose your money and will be sent back to start all over again. The girls are raped and the men are treated like animals. It’s a very sad situation and a violation of human rights, but it happens every day. If he tells you that someone is making him enlist in the armed forces and telling him that it is a contingent to him staying, then you need to tell him to contact MALDEF (The Mexican American Legal Defense Fund).

Now, about the personal stuff….I would definitely be careful. You have no idea what is going to happen. He doesn’t have work or a job and the market in America is really tough. However, I will say this…if he is Mexican…he is typically Mexican (and not involved in drugs) he will work hard or harder than a lot of people his age. He isn’t in the country legally, so you have to be careful not to give your heart away and not to marry him for a green card….do you understand? Most of all do not get pregnant_do not get pregnant_do not get pregnant.

Get an education, do you hear me? Get an education. Finish school. Train to do something. Okay? This is the best advice I can give you. Do not allow a man to “take care of you and your children” because he may not do that…if he is in America illegally, he may be deported at any time. You must, must, get an education or a vocational education. That way, you are not dependent on him or anyone else. He has to find his own way and you have to find yours. It isn’t that I don’t know how you feel….I do, honey…but you have to take care of yourself, too. Date him…don’t marry or live with him until both of you have a way of supporting yourselves…or it will never, ever work out.

@YARNLADY has a good answer….go see a counselor (Catholic Charities has a free counseling service for Hispanics) and go see Legal Aid for advice. And also…go to Planned Parenthood…and get some contraception. Those three places must be at the top of your list.

Love is wonderful….but you have to be practical. He may or may not want you just for a green card….you don’t know. So, please, protect yourself. Get him to learn English and become a legal citizen. It’s possible to do.

I really wish you all the good things possible…but be very, very careful.

Abrazos fuertes! (Big hugs.)

wait how is he a rapist? i had just turned 14 and he had just turned 16, it would be wrong if i would have been 14 and he 20 then yes i would agree he is a rapist but since we are like a year and a few months apart it doesnt make a difference to me. one of you made me laugh about the green card thing =] lol…no its not like am going to get married to him right away we will get to know eachother first awwwwww i love your advice DarlingRhadamanthus Gracias mucho de verda =]....counselor mmmm i dont know about that it seems kinda weird…..hahahahaha is he the best i can do? hahahaha i think i could get someone else the problem is i just can…dont think i havent tried….theirs just no one else that has made me feel the way he did….lol my friends say i have shit for luck they say out of all the other guys i could have fallen in love with i choose the guy whos illegal and had to go back to mexico, and yes hes coming illegaly hoping the border and all that, the moneys to pay the coyote dont think im not scared of him getting hurt on the way…..the reasone we didnt talk for the years is because everytime i would call his mother would answer and she would fight with me telling me im the reason hes not going to stay with her and that i was wrong if i though she was going to tell him i called….gotta love her hahaha and my mom told me if you really love gabriel the way you say you do then you’ll leave him alone so that he doesnt come back and i did do that because i was thinking of wat was best for him to stay with his family….but he was the one that tried to contact me again by sending one of his friends to find me….and i just love him alot to just ignore him

@tala17 any sexual activity between an adult and a minor is statutory rape, by law.

we didnt do it because im waiting till i get married so dont worry he aint gona get introuble

@tala17 some of the other users have concluded my first love means you did.

@Tala17….I believe you. If you said you did not sex with him….you probably didn’t. I know my peeps. :) He cannot be a rapist, if you never had sex with him. I agree. Hopefully, keep it that way….if he should come back. Respect your body and your life.

Looking over your letter….everything you say rings true…the madre Mejicana who won’t let you talk to her son because you are “stealing him away to America”...and all that. And I also believe you left him alone, too….when she asked you to do so. I had a Mexican mother. I should know. :)

I am not going to try to discourage you….because it looks like you have made your mind up. El consejo que te doy de mi corazon es…finish your education, go to college and/or train to do something. Be prepared. When he comes, get him to learn English and also go back to school no matter what he decides to do. It is hard enough for Americans to make it in this country…someone from Mexico faces really difficult challenges. Please do not get pregnant…get birth control and use it. I know that Mexicans have issues with birth control…but if you decide to have sex, please go to Planned Parenthood. Don’t bring children into the world when you are struggling. If you decide to make a go of it with him, plan your life carefully….build a foundation….get jobs….save money….get an education…then later, when you are ready, start a family.

I know that culturally there is a lot of pressure of all sorts on Mexican/Hispanic girls and different societal pressures. One of them is to start a family early and/or to get married early. Please don’t do that. If you do have children they deserve to have a good life and parents who are ready to have them.

I don’t know if anything I say to you will make a difference. But I wish you every good thing possible, Tala. Be careful. Todas las bendiciones del mundo!

@DarlingRhadamanthus – Bravo

@evandad…..thank you…:)