"How do I help my daughter work through a troubled marriage?"?

You told her to leave, and now it’s killing you that you’re not part of her life. She was in trouble and hurting, and you kicked her out of your house. I’m confused exactly what it is you’re asking.

few questions:

How old are your daughter and son-in-law?

Does he physically, verbally, or mentally abuse her? How?

is it definite that he cheats on her?

How long have they been married?

@MrItty: I read it that way at first, but later in the description it sounded like she told her daughter to leave HIM. So I’m a little confused too…

@poofandmook

“cause I told her to go home and work out her problems either to stay and make it work or make some legal plane to protect herself and her child”

“So when I told her to leave he wanted to know why I would not let her stay”

She kicked her daughter out of her house and now regrets it because it’s had an effect on her herself. She’s missing the baby, and apparently didn’t realize that kicking her daughter out of the house wouldn’t result in not being able to see the granddaughter.

I’m finding it hard to have sympathy for the grandmother here.

I am sorry that you are caught in the middle of your daughter’s situation. You need to call her or write to her to tell her that you are sorry for not letting her stay. That you were upset and confused by the situation too.

Tell her that you love her and will support her whatever her decision is: to stay or go.

Once you find out if she is staying, you may well have to apologize to him too. Think about getting to see the baby and bite the bullet and do it. In future, do not address their marital problems with him at all.

Good luck.

It is hard to stand back, but being in the middle is no good. If the situation has this much drama it is too messy. Watch the baby for a while so they can discuss things. But do not get in between your daughter and her husband unless there is abuse then help her leave for good.

When this happens to me, I welcome them back in with open arms. I have two sons who have had three bad marriages to deal with. I would never say they weren’t welcome in my home.

When my youngest first came back, I arranged for counseling for him, and with my older son, I drove him and his wife to a counselor, since they didn’t have a car.

open communication is great, but when you are caught in the middle you need to remain objective nomatter what, leave emotion out of the discussion.

@SmoothEmeraldOasis No, you don’t. When it’s a conflict between your daughter and her husband, you don’t need to remain objective at all. You need to support your daughter.

I so appreciate all answers , however I did tell her that I was sorry for telling her to leave and that she was always welcomed here , SHe has left her husband 4 other times , and comes here and always went back , I have never treated him differently after those times , but it’s getting to be a bit much when he tells her she is not allowed back in their home , that he is not gonna give her child support , cause he cant afford the house and pay support at the same time .I know and have seen lots of emotional and verbal abuse , but when she leaves and comes here and I suggest that get some free legal advise , she gets so angry and says I am trying to run her life,, I dont see why I should tell him I am sorry , when I have done nothing to either one of them and certainly NOT the Baby ,,,, I dont see myself as a meddling mother in law,, bu thow many times can you see youre Daughter cry , complain , stress out , before you open your mouth… I am so upset…I see her self confidence and self esteem soing down the sewer, do I need to shut my mouth…. They have gone to counseling 2 different times , they start off strong and then stop going, she thinks he is going to change, I think if it has been like this for 5 years , he might be wonderful for a week or 2 but then he goes right back to his nasty behavior and she goes right back to being miserable..I have always been there for both of my children , SHe is 30 and I have a son 27, I know if she wants to be a Door Mat , there is nothing I can do about it…... But Don’t I have rights as a grandparent…. My Husband and I went through some major life changes to move near them to be some help when the baby arrived, and now I can’t see the Baby .. I can’t deal with this…?????

@upsetgranny I feel for you. In your present circumstances, you’re definitely “the meat in the sandwich”, and I can’t see that changing. You’re in a tough spot. Your daughter and son-in-law have to make some decisions, and it seems to me your input is not welcome. You have done the right thing by not changing the way you treat your son-in-law, as you should stay neutral, but watch out for your grandchild’s welfare. Your daughter married her husband, presumably of her own free will, and must deal with the matter responsibly, no matter how hard it is for her.

You said, “I dont see myself as a meddling mother in law.” But they might not agree with you. It’s all a matter of their perception and it seems emotions are boiling. In that case their reasonableness is probably AWOL!

“But Don’t I have rights as a grandparent…” That maybe for a court to decide as part of a divorce or separation. In my experience, at least in Australia, courts look at what’s in the best interests of the child. You could probably make an application to a local court in your area to make a ruling for you to have visitation rights. But for that type of advice you need competent legal advice, which I can’t give.

This is a tough situation you’re in. You might just have to bow out and leave them to their devices. If it seems your grandchild is in danger of harm, call the police. His/her welfare is what matters most.

Please keep us posted.

@Andreas- I agree with you, and again the communication line needs to be open and because they are all adults they can maintain objectivity. Primarily for the childrens sake and to give them a positive example how issues of the mind can and may be better handled.