You know what bothers me? It’s this vampire robot thing. Robots that suck your blood, you know? Everyone and their brother wants to be a vampire these days, and those people what can’t make a pact with the devil are tryin’ a buy a vampire robot. Tell me where there’s a store, and I’ll show you a bunch of people didn’t make it there in time.
I made a pact with the devil once. I wanted to have pancakes with real maple syrup every morning. Boy! I had a deuce of a time getting out of that one. I had to promise him a third-hand left eyebrow on the morning of my death, which was a pretty hefty deal, until I realized I wouldn’t be needing that eyebrow much longer at that time, anyway.
But the vampire thing? Remember good ol’ Vlad? The impaler dude? Who used to, like, cut off the heads of townspeople he didn’t like and post them on the ramparts of his castle? Townspeople never really understood this behavior so they decided he must be drinking their blood. Plus he always did his dastardly deeds at night.
Vampirism just can’t be taken seriously any more. Do you know how many 14 year old female vampires (why aren’t there any males?) are running around these days? They dress all goth and whatnot and imagine themselves to be dark mysterious, tortured and oh god it is so meaningful.
You know, we oughtta be outraged at the feminine takeover of vampirism. They all want to have Edward Cullen bite their necks. Listen sweetums. There’s only so many necks he can bite!
So the revulsion is natural. I mean, Edward Cullen? Fourteen year old vampire robots? Would you be caught dead near them? I mean, I hope not because in my book, that’s child molestation. Besides which, you don’t die immediately when a vampire robot bites you.
But yeah. I’m staying away. I got my garlic and my pitchfork and my flashlight and extra batteries, and believe me, I know how to use them!
Although how they got the robots to be able to sniff garlic, I’d love to know.