Do I have a future with my sister's ex?
I am a 30 yr. old female in love with my sister’s ex- boyfriend (who is now my boyfriend of 6 mos.). They are both ten yrs. older, dated for seven yrs w/ year breaks in their twenties, and so I have known him since I was fourteen. We have never lived in the same city but throughout my teens he was around and we had a great relationship, a little sister, big brother type. At age 25, he and I started talking over the phone as friends but we developed feelings. We did not act on them and continued our lives in different states, having other significant others, etc. but we stayed in touch very loosely for five years.
My sister and I are similar in our intelligence and sense of humor yet have dramatic differences in the way we live our life. She is very unconventional whereas I have tended to mellow with age. She has emotional health issues and ADHD and a dependence on prescription meds that have not helped much. My boyfriend and her had a tumultuous relationship due to this. They were different people then and have split ways. He has had long term relationships as has she since then.
My sister and I have not talked in two years as she thinks I am responsible for her cat that was staying with me running away. That situation evoked a violent strike of irrational behavior and I chose to take myself out of it for my own emotional health. I love her of course but… you know. I do not know if she knows about us but the rest of my family does, though she only talks to my mother and that is very rarely.
The rest of my family is against us but oddly not because of his relationship w/ my sister. They see me as the baby still and have always thought I just take whatever comes along. I have made it clear that this is my choice and am very happy.
And I am! We have a wonderful life together. We have found friendship, passion, support, challenge, intelligence, and fun in eachother and want to get married when the time is right. My question is: Will it ever? I have already resigned myself to the idea that the bride’s side of the aisle will be empty and never wanted to rock this boat but I have found the genuine thing. Trust me- it is still strange sometimes and it was incredibly rough when I first started falling for him but we are extremely committed now.
When it comes to my relationship w/ my bf, I do have guilt and uneasiness but it is nothing compared to the love I have in my life with him. Unfortunatley, this has caused my father, brother, and mother to hate me. My brother was his best friend, now won’t talk to either of us and my divorced parents (both cold tempered people) have chosen the out of sight, out of mind route as usual. Have I ruined an already ruined family and my chances at happiness with both him and my family in the picture?
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6 Answers
At 30 years old I believe you should make up your own mind. If you family’s opinion matters so much write each of them a note about how you love them and hope they will attend your wedding OR NOT.
You take control of the situation and lay out the ground rules for yourself and you will be happy with a tinge of worry. Which is much better than unhappy with lots of worry.
This is a touchy subject.
I think you should do what your heart tells you. Your family can either fall into place or not. If you continue to see him and the two of you eventually get married, they may come around.
You are the one who has to live your life.
The one thing I would do is go ahead and tell your sister. Say something like, “You and I have not spoken in a couple of years. There is something that I want you to know. I am now dating Brad (insert boyfriend’s name). I didn’t want it to come as a shock to you.”
Just leave it at that.
My sister and I dated the same guy in high school, both within a year. She was supportive of my dating him, but I felt awkward during the relationship. At the same time, she was dating my best guy friend. Both of these relationships had the potential to be great—had the previous connections not been there. Our sisterhood was nearly shattered by this: we did not speak for a year (despite living in the same house and attending the same school), and it only healed a few months after both of us had abandoned the controversial relationships in favor of our family’s strength.
I would counsel against dating a sibling’s ex, sight unseen. Your relationship may be wonderful, sweet, and fresh, but it is far outweighed in importance by your relationship with your family.
You say you and your sister have not spoken in 2 years due to her cat, not due to your relationship. It would be my best guess that your family fell apart because it was dysfunction, not because of who you are dating. Each of your family members are doing what they think is best for themselves, good or bad and they are not checking with you on those decisions are they? Remember one thing, this is your life, not theirs. You are in your 30’s and you only get to live this life one time, so you need to make your decisions based upon your happiness. No matter what you do it will not fix your family. I would say live your life and be happy. You are not responsible for their choices or happiness. good luck kiddo.
I read something years ago about a situation like yours where a woman was being forced to choose between her boyfriend and her family. It helped me out during a rough time with my family, so I kept the responder’s answer. The advise was “romantic love may not be rational, but it’s more knowing than familial love, which isn’t even chosen. No wonder relatives are conflicted combatants in so many love-hate relationships. Regardless, you seem to think that choosing your lover over your family is senseless. I don’t agree. The wisdom of such a decision depends on the quality of the love – and the quality of the family in question.” I hope this helps.
Is it a good idea to date your crazy sister’s ex-bf?
The short answer is NO!
The Long answer is Ewwww! NO!
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