How should me and my long distance boyfriend work out who visits?

Have you told him the reasons you want him to visit you in Ohio? You expressed your points very well here. If you have, how does he react? Does he just blow them off and reiterate his reasons for you to go to CA? Does he offer to pay your way? It sounds to me like this guy is pretty selfish and is expecting you to put the vast majority of the work into making your relationship happen. What does he contribute to the relationship?

I told him the reasons. As I stated in my message he can’t offer to pay my way because he’s broke. The Army Reserve doesn’t pay as much so he’s trying to go active so that he can make money. When he wasn’t in the Army he visited me A LOT. I understand he’s in the Army but I just want him to see me before he goes off to Airborne and Language school for a year and half because I’ll be doing all the visiting since it’ll be difficult for him to leave training.

Well, it seems you’re both in a tough situation because of your finances. Unfortunately, that’s one of the major downfalls of long distance relationships. You need to be financially comfortable to afford visits. Based on your response, it seems not only inconvenient, but pretty much impossible for you to visit him in September. If he still refuses to go to Ohio after you explain all this to him, simply because it’s “boring”....well, then your boyfriend is an asshole. :) Seriously though, he’s not being fair to you. Discuss this with him calmly, explaining all that you did here. Also, I suggest you think very hard about whether or not this relationship is worth all the strain.

But the problem is not him coming to see me. He would see me if it wasn’t for the Army just like all those other times. He doesn’t know for sure if he can see me because the Army can basically say, ‘Hey you got a job, start in X amount of days’. and it’d be a complete waste and then he can’t come see me. Army jobs aren’t like normal jobs…can’t request days off.

That makes sense, but the financial burden shouldn’t be entirely on your shoulders. I understand he doesn’t make a lot of money, but you can’t be paying for everything. He should pay for your visit. Otherwise, your options seem to be go broke or don’t see each other.

But yeah thats the problem. He’s barely makes any money because of the Army Reserve (and los angeles is super expensive). He’s trying to MAKE more money which is causing us to basically not see eachother. When he starts going to training then he’ll be making the money and he’ll be paying for most of my visits cuz he can afford it. It’s a hard thing to explain I guess.

Well, if you think you can squeeze out enough money for just one more visit before he can start paying, then it’s up to you if you want to make that sacrifice. Maybe he can even reimburse you once he’s earning more money, or at least pay for half.

I do have a lot of money in my savings account but I’m very frugal with that because it’s well my savings account for when I move out one day and emergencies. I’m just really pissed at the Army situation because it’s UNKNOWN. Like if right now the Army told him he was gonna have this job or whatever then I could hurry up and make adjustments to what’s going to happen.

Lots and lots of communication. Always discuss your concerns in conversations, and make sure you both reach a mutual agreement. If you have any questions left in your mind – ask them. Since he is in the military, you will have to make a lot of concessions and bend over backwards to accommodate his schedule. He can help out with the expenses, if necessary, but he has little or no control over the timing.

YarnLady….very wise advice. =[ I just reallllllly thought he could visit me and then he dropped the bomb on me that he might be unable to because he had to request more hours.

It comes down to this, at least in my mind. If he really wants to see you, he’ll find a way. He’ll hitchhike or find a way to meet midway. But, if you have to lay out all the effort, what’s the point? It sounds as if you’re taking both sides! And, I understand young love. I’m just about sure I was there once!

Have fun with your life.

The one whose schedule will accommodate the visit is the logical one to make the trip.

I am going to be straight to the point. there are just a few long-distance relations that have ever worked. the distance is the problem and you are seeing this. i will say this, if i loved a woman enough, no amount of distance would ever keep me from seeing her. it appears he is asking for more work time, not for the money, but as an excuse to not make the trip to see you. you are correct. it is very expensive to live and visit California.

The distance is the problem. even married people divorce because of the long distance, especially people in the military. long distance marriages and relationships offer too much convenience for cheating. honestly, this is only a problem that you two are going to have to work out. each situation is different. if he loves you enough and vice versa, you two will find a way to be together.

I already told you some of this, but I’ve thought of some more stuff, so I’ll say it here. If your boyfriend is doing just his reserve duty, they have a set schedule unless his unit is really disorganized. Most units have their weekend schedule for the whole year. They don’t just call everyone up and say, “hey we are going to have drill this weekend”. It’s scheduled. Yes, it can change, but it’s not likely to change unless something major is going on.

If he’s working active duty hours, he should be accumulating time off and he would be able to put in a leave slip and request time for leave. His command would have to approve the leave, but they can deny it depending on what is going on. Yes it is harder for soldiers to get time off, but it’s not impossible. If he’s telling you it’s impossible, he’s lying.

How was he able to afford visiting you before joining the Army?

As an alternative, how about webcams and Skype? I know it’s not the same as a live visit, but it may give you another line of communication.

If you two have been a couple for 3yrs then you should be splitting the expenses of any visits. If he’s insisting for you to go to him then he should pay the difference over what it would cost if you two were splitting a trip for him to Ohio. Both of your reasons (you two) for wanting the other to visit their locale are good ones so that means compromise, sometimes compromise comes down to perks and expenses.

I think a lot of people are missing the part where I mention that he is BROKE right now lol..

@chelle21689 If he’s broke and wants to visit you and you don’t want to visit him because it’s his turn to travel, buy his ticket.

but that’s not the problem here. the problem is our schedule. that is all.