Do you think that sleeping in separate beds would have a detrimental effect on marriages?

My husband has sleep apnea. It got so bad that I couldn’t sleep with him anymore, so I slept somewhere else for about a year or so. I think sleeping separately did more for us than me trying to sleep with him snoring and kicking all night. Then I was super mad and tired the next day. He finally got a Cpap machine and I started sleeping in our bed again.

did the article say why? that seems crazy to me (that they ‘no longer’ would, if they weren’t in the first place that’s personal choice though it’s not something I’d want to do)

I read that too, I agree with you I think once you start sleeping in separate beds the intimacy starts to leave. But I suppose for some people whose spouse is an extremely loud snorer or a very light sleeper is can help the other to sleep better, which puts people in a better mode. That could be good for the marriage.

Yes. It’s detrimental to intimacy BUT sleep in twin beds in the same room if you’re getting socked in the head all night.

Some couples sleep better without their spouse next to them. A good night’s sleep is worth a lot. It took being an adult to understand this…a grade school friend’s parents had separate beds in the same room, which just seemed alien. My brother has sleep apnea, which constantly awakes his wife. I don’t know what their arrangements are when they are together, but when they visit Mom’s they select the room with twin beds. A sister and her husband share the same bed, but feel that they are much more compatible now that they use separate bathrooms in the house. None of these examples reduces intimacy, and it might even enhance it.

Depends on the people involved. I sleep MUCH sounder by myself than in bed with my husband, but he gets angry if I sleep on the couch, so I just have to deal with it.

The only reason I can see that it would is if they are sleeping separately because their marriage is already in trouble. Some happily married couples actually sleep in different rooms, and still have a good relationship.

We pretty much solved the sleep issue by purchasing a giant King Size bed, which has room for both of us, our dog, and a grandson or two.

Yes, in general. It’s my personal belief that couples are increasingly selfish and want to remain as “single” as possible, make as few compromises while sharing a roof. Somewhere along the way it became uncool for marrieds to want to spend much time together, it got interpreted as neediness instead. Couples want their own beds, own TV’s and computer desks in their rooms for their “me” time. I know some people who even take separate vacations from each other, they rarely share a meal or social circles and are later surprised and angry to learn their partner has some other romantic interest on the side.

Initially, I was thinking “What the fu-............”. But then I read the other answers and medical reasons like sleep apnea can already destroy the intimacy anyways. People have separated simply because their S/O snores. Even if you take marriage out of the equation, if someone simply can not sleep, a marriage is not going to be at the top of their list on things to maintain. I guess they have to do what they can to make it work.

I’m suspicious when people bring up snoring, I always suspect there’s something else lacking and snoring is a more obvious bone to pick. When I was an emotionally miserable person then things like someone snoring, tossing in bed or what not seemed like big deals. I can say there’s a huge difference looking at those same things from a happier place, they don’t have much impact.

It can shock you out of a deep sleep, @Neizvestnaya. They stop breathing for 3 or 4 seconds, then just explode, then settle into “regular” , loud snoring. It’s awful

I suppose if that is what each partner wanted, there is no problem. But I can not help but suspect that such a policy is, more often than not, favored by one partner and resented by the other. In that case, it is a real problem.

@josie Yeah, resented by the one who isn’t awakened all night by his own snoring.

@Neizvestnaya In my case, my husband has sleep apnea, and it is way above and beyond snoring. He snores so loud you can hear it upstairs and then stops breathing for, I counted one time, about 34 seconds and sucks in air loudly and kicks his legs. I don’t know anyone in the world that could sleep with that and be happy about it.

As far as the intimacy, I don’t know if the article was referencing sex or being close to each other while sleeping. Even when I was a newlywed I didn’t want my husband sleeping too close to me or touching me while I’m sleeping. We love each other and we don’t have to sleep all intertwined to prove it to each other.

@Dutchess_III
I know, my grampa had sleep apnea as did my partner when he was heavier and also drank a lot.

I’m a light sleeper. and that chemistry keeps me up. then again i’m single.

one of my pals almost elbowed me in the chin. and i snore. i’d drather sleep.

@knitfroggy
An uncle of mine wears a tongue depresser at night which has helped his sleep apnea a lot, has anything been suggested by your husband’s dr. to help him out?

@knitfroggy does he have a CPAP?

I’m not married yet but i’m gonna need a separate bed. Not for every night. Not even for the average night.

But sometimes I am restless. Sometimes I need to get up a lot and pee, or smoke a jay to get tired again, etc. Or read a book and listen to a radio show.

That’s why I’ll need the 2nd bedroom. But on the typical night I’d sleep with the wife, happily.

Also… if it’s a 90 degree evening, I cannot sleep with another unless there’s air conditioning. Its just too hot.

I don’t believe in making judgments about other people’s arrangements. Whatever works.

@Neizvestnaya @BoBo1946 Yes, he finally broke down and got a Cpap in December. He hated it at first, took him about a month to totally get used to the mask. The type of sleep apnea he has requires that he have oxygen hooked up to his Cpap. So, we have a lot of equipment, but it’s worth it. He sleeps all night and stays awake all day. He used to fall asleep every time he sat still for about 2 minutes. He loves his Cpap and says he doesn’t know what he would do with out it. He has had the apnea about 5 years. And on top of it all, I can sleep in my own bed again!

My wife was threatening to sleep somewhere else just before I got the CPAP machine. Now we both love it. She likes it not just because she doesn’t have to worry if I’m going to stop breathing forever, but because it provides white noise that puts her to sleep.

I believe that a large number of cases where a couple sleeps in separate rooms are the result of marital problems. I think it’s usually the problems that lead to the sleeping in separate rooms, not the separate sleeping arrangements leading to the problems.

I think separate rooms, in most cases, are a sign of marital problems, not a cause of them. It’s the arrangement so many couples make so they don’t have to get divorced. Eventually, one party might even have an affair, because it is very very difficult to live in a sexless marriage. Most of these couples have totally given up on fixing things, and they also believe divorce is not an option.

I believe that a few people do this from choice, and it works for them. But I think in the majority of cases, it is the sign of a great deal of misery.

I agree with @wundayatta having twice been in “my own room”. I didn’t fool myself either, I knew once I went there then it was acknowledging intimacy and romantic love were gone.

There are many reasons why this would work to improve a marriage, actually. My partner and I love to sleep on top of one another but right now we’re sleeping in different rooms because the youngest wakes up all the time (so he’s with him in order to keep him consistently sleeping) and with the AC on in the living room (where I end up sleeping), we can’t hear the baby a whole lot. Besides, this way, when my oldest (who is on this side of the apartment, with me) wakes up at 7, I can keep him with me and let Alex and the baby sleep another hour or so.

As far as construction, it’s true. But, what people are after are their own bath and privacy for dressing and a “personal and private” space. First it was two baths off of the master, and now in larger upscale new construction we are seeing two master suites. I have read that men sleep better when they sleep alone; I don’t know if that’s true. If I were married I couldn’t stand not sleeping with my husband unless there was some health reason not to.

The human body needs sleep, food and water to function properly. I sleep in the same bed as my husband but on nights when he snores and has woken me 3 times, I will go off to the spare bedroom. If he wants a happy wife in the morning, I need my sleep. Otherwise it won’t be a good day for either of us. He use to get upset when I would do this but after going though some rough days with me the next morning he figured its better if I get my rest.
We have come to a compromise of ear plugs for me sometimes but they take a while for me to get use to it before I will fall asleep. When we visit family and I have no choice of where to sleep then I take the ear plugs and drink a glass of wine before bed.
However I think if you meerly are sleeping in a seperate bed because you don’t wish to be close to the other person than you may not have much of a marriage.

Sleeping in the same room with one’s spouse can seriously impact one’s sex life—having to pussyfoot around can make sex more stressful than refreshing.

To me, insisting on sleeping in the same bad suggest adequate sexual activity, whether it’s true or not. It’s not the most important barometer of marriage, but people act like it is.

Unless there is a medical issue that necessitates it then yes! Snuggling and cuddling at ones leisure during the night are, in my opinion, two of the smallest yet greatest pleasures in life!

As @janbb said, “whatever works.” Truth is, different people conduct relationships in different way—even marriages—because different people want different things from their relationships. Some people are looking for constant contact in a marriage and some appreciate a little solitary space. There are even—heaven forbid—married couples who keep different houses. Imagine that!

I’ve never been married, but there are definitely many close friends—people I love dearly and will likely love for the rest of my life—who would nevertheless get on my nerves if I had to sleep with them every night. I don’t think that every marriage necessitates more intimacy than that. So there’s at least one good non-medical example of why couples might benefit from separate beds. Here’s another: think about how special sleeping together would be if you did it deliberately rather than out of habit. Obviously that logic doesn’t work for everyone, but for some it does.

@knitfroggy super…it is a pain at first….I hated it the first month also, but like your husband, could not do without it now. Hopefully, someday, someone will come up with a more comfortable mask.

@BoBo1946 Do you have the full mask or just a nose mask? He wishes he didn’t have a full mask, but that’s the only one he can have.

Separate beds! I’d be satisfied to have a woman to sleep in the same zip code!

seriously, did the article say why?

full mask…why can he not get the full one. Must have something to do with the oxygen deal..

@BoBo1946 Yes, it’s because of the oxygen and they said he was a mouth breather. lol. So, no nose mask for him.

oh, mouth breather….heard of that! Well, he and you, are much happier now. Plus, it is a huge health issue. Can remember waking up with my heart beating about 150 times a minute. Very thankful that i did not have any problems. Also, my blood pressure has dropped a lot because of the CPAP.

I think there are lots of good reasons for sometimes sleeping in separate beds including this:
even the closest and most loving of couples can benefit from a little space. In fact, I think it’s one of the prerequisites of enduring closeness. A couple of us on Fluther even think a duplex can work.

Well, some sleep by themselves their whole life!

Old lady, 85, a virgin, about to die. wanted her tombstone to read :
BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN.
The engraver shortened it to: ” RETURNED UNOPENED ”

We have a nice big bed, but Hubby dresses in our guest bedroom, where his clothes are hanging, so as not to disturb me in the morning.

Depends on the circumstances.