Ok boys and girls. Let’s all say it together:
Com…mun…i….ca…tion.
What that means is that you need to listen to her, without interrupting and with sympathy, and she has to do the same. You talk about your history—the other relationships where your partners did not give you the commitment you want. You talk about how it feels to you when you see her with some other guy. What goes through your head? What happens in your body?
She talks about how she feels trapped and isolated, and what that means to her—why she needs to be social (perhaps she, too, has been burned in relationships in such a way that she believes you will leave, and thus she’s keeping options on the back burner).
If you can speak honestly and fully with each other it does at least two things. First, it helps you identify areas of friction, and it allows you to start brain storming about how to meet both your needs. Second it builds intimacy and trust, which is really what is needed to overcome jealousy.
You’re clearly afraid of being abandoned. Maybe it’s something that has happened to you all your life (not just with previous girlfriends). She may also feel the same way. You guys may have a codependent relationship, which is never very healthy, and always has problems like this. You are constantly demanding proof from the other person that they love you. Not good.
These are big deal problems, in my opinion. Like @janbb said, therapy—couples therapy—can be a really good way to get help in having the conversations that need to happen. Of course, you need a good therapist who knows what they are doing, and those aren’t easy to come by.
A lot of people don’t want to do therapy for any number of reasons. They feel like they should be able to solve their own problems on their own. They don’t want to give out their innermost secrets to a stranger. They don’t believe a therapist can help. They don’t want people to know they are in therapy. It is seen as a sign of failure.
Therapy isn’t the only way to learn good coping skills. You can also read books about codependency. There are, no doubt, books about jealousy, too. But I think you get a lot less out of books than you do with a real therapist coaching you through the issues. I would look for one with a method—exercises and goals and intermediate steps. A practical plan to get the communication to where it should be.
I don’t even think of therapists as people you just talk to any more. They are coaches showing you how to do things and setting goals for you. They are teachers, teaching communication or other skills, and also teaching ways of understanding others better or ways of understanding how your past affects your behavior.
If therapy is not an option, there are also couples workshops all over the place. Some, of course, better than others. I don’t have any to recommend, but you could ask others.
I liked to think of myself as a pretty self-aware and competent guy. I know how to listen—active listening. I know how to express myself. I know how to negotiate. But when it came down to it with my wife, I was afraid to raise the issues that were really bothering me, because I thought she’d leave me.
So I suffered a lot of misery that lead me to seek love outside my marriage, believe it or not, because I thought that was the way to save my marriage. In the end, couples counseling was a big help to us. It enabled me to find out that she really did love me and wasn’t about to abandon me. I was also in individual counseling because I had my own issues to deal with, as well. I was/am also in support groups.
Which leads me to my last suggestion. Just as you have done here, it is often very helpful to talk about these things. It is especially helpful to talk about it with people with the same problem. I don’t know if there are jealousy support groups out there, but you could look. Those tend to be free, but they often help you more than therapists do.
There are many people who are afraid their SOs don’t truly love them and are just looking around for something better, at which time, they will leave. Part of this has to do with the jealous person’s abandonment fears and part has to do with a lack of communication in the relationship. It’s just really, really hard to talk about such deeply felt, scary issues.
You have to work on both issues. You work on the abandonment shit on your own. You work on the communication stuff with your SO. If you are both committed to fixing these things, you will. If you are uncertain, you’ll find that out soon enough, and break up before things go much further. However, you will be better off, because you will be dealing with your fears that keep you from getting intimate with others, and that will help you in the next relationship.
Composing members:
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