You are chosen to read the local news on tv, what would be your opening/closing remarks?

For the open, I would paraphrase Bette Davis’s character in “All About Eve” and say…
“Fasten your seatbelts. It’s going to be a bumpy news report.”

For the close, I couldn’t do better than Edward R. Murror’s “Goodbye and Good Luck.”

I’d like to start every night with my favorite Foghorn Leghorn quote; “Fortunately, ah keep mah feathuhs nuhmbuhed for just such an emuhgency.” I’d be sure to get the voice exactly right.
I’d end with “And that’s the news, nyuk nyuk nyck” I’d sound exactly like Curly Howard whan I said it. I do voices very well.

Good evening, another day of nothing new under the sun, but for the sake of feeding the great drama monster I’ll give you the rundown of negativity so you can fall asleep in a state of babyhood bliss.

I’d borrow my closing from the late journalistic icon Walter Cronkite…

And that’s the way it IS! lol

Seee Yaaaaa!

“Ich wil den Klavierstein!”

“This graw is fredashay!”

I know, I just know I’d finish it with ‘stay black’.

“Good evening, I’m Chevy Chase and you’re not.”

Then this – word for word, in character.

Charlie Brooker’s How to Report the News

Go to the “fema coffins” site on your ‘puters.