Adult relationship question (NSFT*).

I would start by expressing curiosity; ask what scent she’s wearing. That’s not terribly invasive since anyone within a few feet of her will notice; it’s not like you’re asking what color panties she’s wearing.
Then I would segue into scents I like, and then make some some recommendations for different scents while slipping in a gentle hint that I don’t find the scent she is currently wearing to really complement her.
Do not say you don’t like it! Just hint that there may be a scent that is a better match for her.

Of course, that’s just how I would do it.

He might try sending her an anonymous tip via mail telling her he is a secret admirer, but hates the scent she’s chose. But I am hearing this little voice saying “This cannot end well.”

It happens to me all the time. I am one of those strange men who thinks a woman’s natural body odors, particularly after exercise or a run, are much more attractive than any chemical concoction made by man.

Edit: If you’re a third party to these two people, can you tell her? It might be better coming from someone who’s just a friend.

Thanks for the suggestions so far.

Here’s the thing: @ETpro they don’t email – they’ve just met. @jerv one cannot determine what scent would work for someone – it’s individual and depends upon how the perfume mixes with their chemistry. @Haleth No.

@zenele Oh, ok… hm. If this guy wants to date her, it would be best for anyone else in the world but him to tell her that her perfume smells bad. Is there anyone else, like a mutual friend, who could tell her in a diplomatic way? If it really reeks, this guy probably isn’t the only one who doesn’t like her perfume, and it could be having a negative effect on her entire love life. So anyone who told her would really be doing her a favor.

Could he feign an allergy?

Maybe he should spontaneously burst into a sneezing fit.. and blame her perfume?

lol, just throwing it out there as a possibility.

@zenele I meant snail mail. I wouldn’t suggest email.

If he can’t buy her perfume, really what can he do? This question is so funny to me. I just imagine some poor guy attracted and repelled at the same time by some love interest. What perfume is this, I want to go find it and smell it.

@ETpro Doesn’t matter buddy; they aren’t close enough to exchange personal info like that.

@zenele There is an art to it. Quite often, scents that “work” are not scents that smell good on their own before application, and what works for some will almost definitely not work for others. A good nose will know before even trying. Still, you are correct in that there are some things you really can’t predict. That is why I personally don’t wear a scent at all; odd skin chemistry.

It’s strange: let’s say a guy is interested in a girl, but they’ve only just met. If he buys her deodorant, he’s dead in his tracks. What would happen if he were to buy her perfume? Isn’t it the same – just more expensive? Same message, better quality stationary, so to speak?

Ladies?

Sorry, but saying he’s not close enough to tell her doesn’t work. Everyone is close enough to express a preference.

“Hey, you know what? This is going to sound really silly and it’s so not a big deal, but I gotta say, I don’t think I like the perfume you wear! Would you ever consider switching?”

If he wants to continue dating her he has to be a grown up and have the unpleasant conversation. The awk talk. No other choice.

I disagree with nikipedia. It would scare me off if a man was that forward with his preferences from the starting gait. I had a man who “might have liked me” but wanted to change everything about who I really am. Ha ha. Subtle put downs and demands. What next? Is he also going to demand I not dress like a tramp and start talking like Mel Gibson?

I understand being sensitive to scents because I have asthma. I don’t ask other people to change their lives to revolve around me and would never feel entitled to demand such things.

From the female perspective, it would definitely set off red flags I might be with someone demanding or has a false sense of entitlement. It would probably give me the wrong impression of him. I am not getting involved with someone that wants me to revolve my life around all of his preferences. If he started asking me to change things about myself on the second date he would not get a third. I would advise extreme caution in the way he approaches this and the timing.

Are they at the point where they are making plans to meet up, or is the “meeting casually stage” more of a group setting?

@nikipedia and @escapedone7 have given polar advice. Help!

@Pied_Pfeffer For now it’s mostly a group – student thing setting. They might pursue it further. The perfume issue is big. Not the tie-breaker, but a major issue.

@zenele Thanks for the clarification.

There was a woman at work whose perfume would make me sneeze and my eyes water. She would often come over to my work area and lean over me. While I tend to let people know how I feel, this seemed to be a case of it being my problem, and not hers. And then we were assigned to work together on a sales project that would have us travelling in a car together for 3 days. Before we started it, I finally told her. The thought of being cooped up in a car for 3 days with that smell was just too much to handle.

Some good advice a manager once shared is that, when you are about to deliver some constructive criticism, be it solicited or not, start with something positive, drop ‘the bomb’, and then finish up with something positive. The key is that the positive statements need to be specific and sincere. So, how about something like this?

* Susan, I really enjoy being in the same student group with you. I appreciate your knowledge and points-of-view. There is one thing I am hoping to get your help with. (Pause for her answer.)

* The perfume you wear can sometimes be distracting. I’m not sure if I have an allergy to it, but it seems to be bothering my sinuses. (Pause for reaction.)

* Thank you for your help with this. I feel really embarrassed about it, as it is my problem and not yours. Your friendship is more important, and I feel comfortable enough around you that I could say this.

How’s that? If she’s a decent person, she’ll skip the scent when attending the study-group. If she doesn’t, well, your friend can chalk it up into a side of her he wasn’t aware of before.

I think if he’s not close enough to ask her about the scent, nor to mail her, and nor to involve a mutual friend as a go-between… well there’s not much of anything to build an acquaintanceship on, never mind a relationship. I think this one is dead in the water already.

I know it is a deal breaker. I won’t date a smoker because my asthma is so bad. So, I just don’t date smokers. I wouldn’t expect someone to quit smoking just to date me though. I figure I need to love their smokey selves or find someone that doesn’t smoke. It just seems like a false sense of entitlement to expect someone to start changing their life for you THAT EARLY in the game. I also like a quiet house. The last gent that showed interest in me was truly handsome, brilliant, sweet and perfect in many ways… but he loved blasting his heavy metal real real loud. Now, I think he was cute. He had so much fun being his loud self. We are really really good friends and that is all. I never let things get past the flirting stage. I wouldn’t want someone that got that much joy from all that noise to sit in the quiet if that wasn’t a happy state for him. He needs to find himself a heavy metal babe to headbang along with him! Perhaps your friend “might like” someone else. It doesn’t sound like he can’t go on without her. But then, that might actually be an advantage. If this is truly the deal breaker and he isn’t worried about trying to keep her interest or friendship, he can let the chips fall where they may and if she hates him after that he’s not lost anything. He never had it. She might be sweet about it. You never know. I am a bit of a wildcat because life has jaded me.

Thank you my brilliant jellies. @Pied_Pfeffer That’s probably the best way to go about it – and should be written in a relationship manual somewhere; especially for the workplace.

@downtide You may be right – which brings us to @escapedone7 who also may be correct. I’ll take this all under advisement and pass it on. If you’re curious, I’ll let you know what happened.

:-)

@zenele I am certainly curious. Let’s see if my prediction is on target. For your friend’s sake, I hope this time I am wrong.

Okay okay, I cannot keep it in any longer. The “friend” is indeed me. Those of you who have known me for some time know that I am visually impaired, very colour blind but have an incredible sense of smell. A blessing, and sometimes a curse. Like in this case. I won’t add anymore – I learned a lot from your replies – I’ll just have to deal with the situation. Thanks again.

@zenele So, I wasn’t wrong suspecting that. If you decide to start remodeling someone, remember my prior warning, my friend.

@zenele This is what I advise then. I am assuming that you aren’t excessively emotionally invested in her yet, you just “might like her.” This is the getting to know each other stage. You say you have a very strong olfactory sense. Let her know this in very small ways that various smells are too strong for you or irritate you without directing it at her. For example you might mention the smell of a cleaning agent deeply irritates you. Tell her some instances of how these strong smells overwhelm you, like when you bought a certain cleaner that made you ill or how you got stuck in a car with a friend wearing old spice. She will then learn that you are sensitive about strong chemical smells without you just coming out and tell her that she stinks. Once it is crystal clear to her that you have a “sensitivity” of sorts, then if she doesn’t take that into consideration when she is getting ready to meet up with you, that should tell you all you need to know.

I am just thinking about how I learned how noisy my last prospect was. He let me know through other ways how much his noise was a part of his life and how that was who he was. Once I rode in the car with ACDC on vibrate and saw his concert tshirt collection I understood this was part of him. In the same since your chemical sensitivity is a part of you and life with you is going to be a certain way if she joins you. For example she also most likely couldn’t air freshen her apartment to death. She needs to get the picture and then decide for herself if she can live without her perfumes and scents. If she voluntarily becomes more sensitive to your needs and tries to help, then that is all you need.

@zenele I have a very active sense of smell as well. I can small sugar. I know that science says it is orderless, but I can smell it. I can even tell whether there is sugar in coffee from the smell. Nobody else I know can do so. So I can appreciate where you are coming from. Sounds like @escapedone7 has some very good advice.

I agree with both of you. Actually, there was an instance in the cafeteria where there was a lingering odour of cleaning chemicals. I couldn’t eat as a result and asked her whether she smelt it too. Her reply was that it was the smell of clean – which she likes – as she likes to clean a lot. I told her I cleaned a lot too but that my cleaning stuff smells like lemons, not borax.

Anyway – perhaps I had just planted the first seed there, as @escapedone7 suggested.

I smell sugar too.

Thanks guys.

I didn’t know that other people couldn’t smell sugar…? I can too, and I thought my sense of smell was ordinary. I can smell the difference between my partner’s coffee (with one spoon of sugar in it) and mine (with two).

@zenele Good luck with Ms Perfume. :)

Perfume will just be the beginning. She sounds like the foofy type that has to fog up the bathroom with hair spray before she goes anywhere. Go find a laid back hippie chick or something.