Will you tell me what you think about only children?

clingy

I’m a bit autistic, so I’m glad I’m an only. Siblings would have been a major irritation. I’m very self-sufficient and only work with others if absolutely necessary. I can lead by example, but not by motivation.

I have a good friend who was an only child. He was determined to have several children so that his children would not be only children.

I’m an only child because I was an accident to begin with. Sometimes I wish I had a sibling to share my life with and spend time with, but most of the time I’m grateful I don’t have one because that would have made the lives of my grandparents (who raised me) very difficult.

I’m more likely to share than most people I know, and in my group of friends, I am the person who is considered the most caring. Those are the only differences I see between me and the people that do have siblings, and I don’t think those differences have anything to do with my lack of siblings.

I’m not an only child. I have a younger brother.

Right now my son is an only child, but we plan to have more in the future. My son is 8. I think how the child turns out all depends on how they are raised. Some only children fit all of the stereotypes you mentioned, while some fit only some of them, and others fit none of them.

In my opinion, my son fits some of them. While he can work alone really well, he really prefers group work (which has gotten him in some trouble in school because he wants to help the other kids on their tests). He shares his toys with his friends and cousins when they are here without a problem (he also went to daycare from an early age, so I’m sure that helped with the sharing). He is a bit spoiled in my opinion, but he appreciates what he has and takes care of it. He accepts when I tell him “no” to something without acting like a spoiled brat. He is very generous when it comes to helping other people and even stands up for his friends against bullies.

Right now he is looking forward to being a big brother some day. He talks about the things he’ll teach his little brother or sister.

I’m an only parent of an only child. No choice, there, couldn’t have more but that’s fine. I have 2 sisters that I probably wouldn’t even know if they weren’t related to me. One of them I like alot, but still wouldn’t know if were weren’t sisters, and one I detest, (as she does, me.) My daughter is very outgoing, mature and secure. As a young child she was a great self-starter, didn’t need other kids around to have fun, although she played with other kids often, she just didn’t live with them. The main difference I noticed was that she never developed an “emotional callous” to teasing as one does when one has sibs, so she had to learn about that in preschool and playgroups.
I hope she weighs in here, I’d love to see her take on this. How about it, KatawaGrey?

It seems that only children do not have different personalities from other kids:

A 1987 quantitative review of 141 studies on 16 different personality traits contradicts the opinion that only children feel maladjusted due to pampering, such as that of Alfred Adler. [8] The study found no evidence of any maladjustment in only children. The most important finding was that only children are not very different from children with siblings. The main exception to this was the finding that only children are higher in achievement motivation.[9] A second analysis revealed that only children, first-borns, and children with only one sibling score higher on tests of verbal ability than later-borns and children with multiple siblings.[10]
The advantage of only children in test scores and achievement motivation may be due to the greater amount of parental attention they receive. According to the Resource Dilution Model, parental resources (e.g. time to read to the child) are important in development. Because these resources are finite, children with many siblings receive fewer resources.[11] Wikipedia

But their childhood experience does make them different:

Only Children
Being the only child is a unique position in a family. Without any siblings to compete with, the only child monopolizes his parents’ attention and resources, not just for a short period of time like a firstborn, but forever. In effect, this makes an only child something like a “super-firstborn”: only children have the privilege (and the burden) of having all their parents’ support and expectations on their shoulders. Thus, only children tend to be:
– Mature for their age
– Perfectionists
– Conscientious
– Diligent
– Leaders

It seems that there were a lot of only children in the years after the Depression, leading up to WWII. My father is an only and my wife’s parents were both onlies. My father, fwiw, wasn’t very good at expressing emotions or at being comforting. He didn’t touch, except to spank. Later on in life, he has learned to hug—just when I feel like not hugging him. Oh well.

@wundayatta : Except for the perfectionist part, that describes my daughter perfectly!

I understand that whatever previous claims were made about only children have now been refuted in some recent phych studies – it was in the TIME magazine (not that I consider that to be a relevant source of much) but it seems to me that only children are doing just fine by comparison to all other children. I didn’t grow up as an only child, I had an older brother but he died when I was 17 years old.

I’m an only child; I am selfish, although not spoiled because I grew up poor, but I do expect to have certain things like food and a decent living standards, because that is what my mother provided for me. I used to wish I had siblings, but not anymore because I like the way I turned out. I like working alone because I don’t like dealing with incompetent people that can’t keep up. I used to lie, a lot, but that has changed because I don’t like covering up lies and I lead a good life so I don’t have anything to hide.

Most of my childhood was lonely, so I spent time in my room reading or playing videogames. I played with toys by myself as well. We weren’t family oriented, my mom talked with her friends and I stayed in my room, because I wanted to, not because she wanted me there.

@mammal That’s real informative….lol.

My father is an only child. @wundayatta‘s list describes my father perfectly. He worked in upper management and became quite successful. He is a quiet man, but I’m not sure if his upbringing had anything to do with that. I’m quiet like he is, but I have five siblings.

My father had much stress to deal with when his mother became ill the last few years of her life. He traveled the 40 miles to her house at least once a week to help her pay bills, clean and grocery shop. The support of siblings during this time would have helped tremendously. Luckily my father had the support of his children to help when the burden became too much for him to handle on his own.

He was a devoted son, that’s for sure.

I am the eldest of three. My husband is the eldest of two. My son (who is nearly two) is currently an only child. My son’s best friend is also a 2 year old only, being raised by two youngest-of-threes.

My son loves to share. If he has two cars, he’ll give you one of them. He’ll give you the last bite of his cookie. He relishes attention from adults, looks up to “big kids”, plays with kids his age, and is gentle with babies.

His friend is aggressive, antisocial, violent, and greedy with his toys. He has formed object attachment with several blankets. He is a darling for his mother, and behaves for his father, until he’s around other kids. Other kids are competition. And it doesn’t matter if they’re bigger than him. He kicked a seven-year-old in the face at the park the other day!

I really don’t think that birth order has anything to do with a child’s personality.

My daughter is an only child (it would be too personal to go into the reasons why here). I think she escaped the pampering because for most of the time we struggled for money and didn’t have much opportunity to papmer her. But she was and still is very outgoing, has lots of friends, and she is generous to a fault.

My friends who are only children seem to be more outgoing than my friends who had siblings.

I have an only child and she’s well adjusted and gets along fine with people. We only wanted one child and we’re all happy. We can afford her, and we can take her anywhere.

I am an only child. I fit the mold que noted to a tee. I always wished I had siblings, and used to pretend that the kids on the Brady Bunch were my cousins, since my only two lived in Cali with me in Ohio. I was so envious of my friends who would travel during the holidays, had siblings to play with at night, during snow days etc… Share clothes with.
BUT in the long run, I come to realize they were in turn jelous of me.

My mother was an only and my father, one of two.

So in addition to all of the extra attention I received over and above all of my friends growing up, I am also then burdoned (really not the proper word) with caring for elderly parents on my own. No one around to help carry that load. Then as they pass, again, it’s up to me to care for all of the arrangements etc. On the up end, I do inherite everything.

We have 2 sons. Our oldest at 20 has been gone from home for 2 years at college. Our youngest at 16 has taken on several “only child” likenesses due to now being the only one under our roof…

Good article in Time Magazine on the issue
http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,2002382,00.html

I was an only child. It was lonely – my friends all had sisters and/or brothers to play with at night, and I had to go home and be by myself. I was pretty self-sufficient, but didn’t like it.

I swore I would not have only one child, but circumstances… so my daughter is an only, too, although she has half-sisters that she is close to. She says she preferred it – not having to share me (I was a single mom) with anyone. She’s always been extremely generous, giving away anything that someone else wanted, while I’m a little more selfish and possessive. She never had the chance to be spoiled (partly I wouldn’t put up with that behavior, and partly we didn’t have much to be spoiled with), but unfortunately my three grandkids definitely are.

I think being spoiled or not has more to do with parenting than with whether you have brothers and sisters. You can have siblings that are spoiled and bratty, and you can have well-brought-up onlys. And I think there’s also just something in each child, each person, that comes out no matter the environment. My daughter is a lot more stable and mature than I would have expected, given my lack of mothering skills.

Usually more mature!

They are difficult roommates (from my experience).

My daughter is three and a only child, She is spoiled ( well has everything a child could need and the want well, I am not rich). Can have a temper when she does not get her way.We are working on that. She just learned to share with the help with cousin, She is super smart. She plays well by herself. I must say I don’t find her much different from other kids. I have watched a lot of kids in my life. Some children are quiet, some are loud. My daughter is inbetween.

Not an only child. I think they run the gamut exactly as everyone else.

I have 2 kids and was raised with 4 siblings and from my perspective the more sibling involved the more adjusted you are to social interactions with others. I don’t have much perspective to go on either other than my SIL has one son and my nephew clearly has issues of sharing and equitably participating in social games that my 2 boys don’t have.

When I grew up we had so little to share that you either learned to share what you had or you went off and made your own version of what you wanted out of mud and sticks.

I’m an only child, and while I was spoiled when I was younger, I grew up to be really independent and very simple. Simple as in, I don’t need much in order to be happy aside from basic necessities like food and shelter. I’m not materialistic, needy or clingy of any one person. I can work in groups or work alone. I do consider myself a self-starter in a lot of situations.

On the other hand, I’m really introverted, so much to the point where there have been times where I’ve isolated myself from nearly everyone. Not necessarily on purpose though, it’s just naturally happened that way. I’m anti-social, reclusive and don’t care to be around crowds much. I don’t hate people or anything, but I do prefer to either be one-on-one with someone or just in really small social gatherings.
I’m alone often, but not necessarily lonely. Sometimes though.
I also have really bad anxiety and have had it most of my life, but I have no idea if it’s even a small result of being an only child.
People also have the ability to get on my nerves a lot faster. Most people I can only take in small doses.

I’m not a very patient person, unfortunately, but I’m workin’ at it.
I get frustrated really easily when I’m trying to do something and after a while it’s not going my way. I don’t have a screaming bad temper or anything, but sometimes my irritation/frustration levels go through the roof.

I did do really well in school and there are only certain aspects of my life where I would consider myself a perfectionist or an over-achiever, mainly only when it has to do with my career.

I don’t lie and I do know how to share. When I find a good friend, I give a lot of myself to them. I’d consider myself a pretty generous person. That trait comes directly from my mother. Despite giving me everything short of the moon and the stars, she raised me to always give to other people.

Growing up, I begged to have siblings. My mom actually had two miscarriages when I was four, so after that, my parents stopped trying for more children.

I don’t really think I’m much different from how someone could turn out if they had siblings. I don’t think being an only child makes that much of a difference, but if it does, it’s not a big difference. At least I don’t feel it is in my case.

I am the second youngest of seven children. My husband is the youngest of two. Our son is an only child.
My son was spoiled in that he didn’t have to share our attention with other siblings. He is 23 now and recently moved back home for a while. Looking at him compared to his friends who all have siblings, he matured much earlier, he was and still is much more independent, he is intelligent, cares about others, works well with others, is a bit of a loner like his parents, and can be damn messy lol He never had any problems sharing everythign he had with others and still would.

What fantastic answers so far. Thank you everybody who answered.

When I wrote the question I generaly thought that the negative stereotypes could easily be overcome even if there was a tendency towards them, which I even doubt there is a tendency. I see no reason why an only child would not be willing to share if his/her parents were sharing people themselves, and the child had opportunity to play with other children. I did have a friend who was not good at sharing who was an only child, but her mom literally once said to me her daughter should not have to share because she grew up an only child and that is what she is accustomed to. I won’t go through the whole long story, but you get the point; obviously, the mother did not foster a spirit of sharing.

Honestly, what I think most about only children is it is probably more work for the parents (I don’t have kids so I am just guessing). I played with my sister a lot growing up, if I had been alone would my parents have had to entertain me more? I guess in one way the parents are not juggling two or more kids, but it still seems like more work to me. Maybe I am wrong.

@JLeslie Nope, not more work. With one kid you can box ‘em in. With two kids you have to play man to man defense. With more than two kids you’re stuck playing zone.

I raised two only children. My first son was all grown up (age 16) when my second son was born, so they were both raised as onlys.

My youngest son married an only, and they both swore they would never do that to their kid. They have two adorable sons.

What I see as the main problem with multiples is the parents can’t give them the kind of attention they need – but this might be a good thing. I really doubt there are any traits that you can point to and say that’s because he was an only.

I am @JilltheTooth‘s daughter and, as she stated, an only child. Our situation is a little unusual in that she is a single parent @Blackberry should know what I’m talking about and I never had to share her with anybody. In that way, I am selfish. I don’t want to share her with anybody. When I am home, I get all her attention yes, at 21 I still crave all my mother’s attention but being the single child of a single parent can be scarier too. When I was ten, she had cancer. Nobody else knew what I was going through and if she had died, I would have been alone. It’s also hard if we’re having a fight, I have no one else to talk to who understands her and she has no one else to talk to who understands me. Something I think about is when she dies, I will have to handle everything by myself. No one will be able to help go through her stuff or field calls from friends and relatives. no one else will be able to fill out the paperwork and get her will in order. That’s a very scary thought to me. However, she is The Woman of Iron and isn’t going to die for several decades.

Also hate to break it to you Mom I am a perfectionist, just in odd ways. If my schedule is disrupted, even a little, I freak out. I’m okay if I know it could be disrupted, but if I have everything planned and something doesn’t work out, I panic and get kinda mean. I am obsessed with my hair, not how it looks necessarily, but whether it’s brushed or not, whether it’s clean or not and if I can tie it back when I need to. I am not a neat freak, but I am picky. I sometimes wonder why my boyfriend hasn’t run screaming into the woods yet.

Though some people may not like it, I’m glad to be 1 of 4 children. But my boyfriend is an only child. Sort of. He has two half-sisters, but they’re much older than him and it’s not like he grew up living with them. His life wasn’t too different from most other kids’ other than the fact that he did grow up being a person with just a small group of close friends and never the kind who had a crowd following him. It wasn’t until late in high school when his popularity skyrocketed (much of that was due to me, yes).

So, from what he’s told me, being an only child meant that he wanted the contact of other kids a lot. He spent a lot of time at his friends’ houses as a kid. He claims that because he didn’t socialize with a sibling at a young age, it may have been responsible for his shyness, but this is just all speculation.

Because he didn’t know growing up with a sibling, it’s not as if he can compare his situation to that. My own personal bias leads me to sometimes feel bad for only children just because my siblings were such an excellent part of growing up, but that doesn’t mean that a person is “doomed” by being an only child or anything like that.

@KatawaGrey You’re @JilltheTooth ‘s daughter? That’s so cool..I like her a lot!

@Simone_De_Beauvoir : Shucks! Thanks!

I got two brothers. We got two children. My nephew is an only child. He’s fine. Sometimes I noticed small differences, but I don’t think it’s that big of a deal. What might matter more is the age of the parents when they have children.

@mattbrowne : I’ll be interested in your take on that! Does it fit with the question? Can you say so here?

@JilltheTooth – You mean my take on very young parents versus older parents?

@JilltheTooth @mattbrowne Maybe a new question is in order? I’d love to hear such a discussion .

@mattbrowne : Yes!

@JilltheTooth – Dangerous turf, though. Still okay?

@Seek_Kolinahr – Yes, new question, I agree.

@mattbrowne : I know it can be dangerous turf, but I’ve noticed that your posts tend to be well considered and not inflammatory. I may not always agree, but I usually take something away from such discussions. I trust you more than many to word such a question in a thoughtful way. Definitely new question stuff.

@JilltheTooth – Thanks. Will you ask the question?

@mattbrowne : I’ll give it a try, but it may take a bit of time to get the wording right so don’t expect it in the next 5 minutes…
Keep an eye out for it…

@JilltheTooth – I will. But from Tuesday on I will be out of town. Headed for Phoenix and lots of national parks.

@mattbrowne : OK, Darlin’, just posted it in Social. I think you could’ve done a better job, but what the hell, I rise to the challenge.

1. For one, I’m a child w/2 siblings. Let me tell you, I’m in the middle. Being a middle child is the most horribelist thing you can have. You are bossed by your older sister, while bugged by your little one. It’s a real pain.

2. Sorry for not following your suggestions (you wanting a parent with an only child, or an only child)

3. I think that siblings have more difficult time then only children. Some adults, I read in a research, are scared from having them. They may feel sad or lonely, or whatever, due to favortism. When you’re a sibling chid, you’re not treated the same as the others. It is rather unfair, and I’m not just saying this out of opionion. They really did prove that sibling adults may have issues with favoritism, because, that is what siblings are all about.

4. Only children have some disadvangtages and advantages, along with siblings:
You don’t get bugged, but only by your parents.
You don’t have to deal with siblings
You are their favorite child from birth
You may feel bored, sometimes lonely, at home,
but you do have friends, right?
You are most-likely to get caught
You have more stuff than a sibling child, which may
make you spoiled, in some cases.
———————
You can play with your siblings
You have to fight for favoritism. Sibling rivarly kills.
You are treated unequally from your sibling(s)
You get bugged by your sibling(s)

Again, sorry for not being an only child, but I just wanted to state the benifits of only and sibling children. Also, sibling children, in the research, have bad temper, while only children don’t have to deal with it.

@TheScream

1. How old are you? “Most horribelist?”
2. Do you have sources to back up your claims?
3. I think you’ll have to define “bugged” for us. We need to know how to empirically relate the word to situations other than your own.

@TheScream: There is one big disadvantage of being an only child that you missed. I am an only child and when I’m in trouble with my mom, I have no one to talk to about it and no one to share the burden of Mom’s anger with. It can also get lonely when parents are working. Also, if my mother dies, there’s no one else who lost a mom and losing a wife, a sister, or a daughter is not the same as losing a mom. Also, only children don’t develop that emotional callous that siblings have. I take everything personally because I have no experience with someone constantly bugging me. Something I have worried about as well is that when my mother gets old and senile and needs extra care, I’m the only one who can provide that care and when she dies, I’m the only one who can put her affairs in order.

Something tells me that you just have an unhappy family. I’m sitting here with a friend of mine who is the middle child in his family and he loves it. He thinks of it as having someone to look up to and someone to look after.