When I became Wundayatta, I felt like I had just come out of years in some dark prison. I didn’t know if I could stay out, so my name is also the motto I am trying to follow: one day at a time. Just for today, I will stay away from the things that harm me or make me depressed. Just for today. I can do that. Just one day.
For me, it was an emergence. So I googled “emergence” images to see what showed up. The butterfly felt right. It is emerging from its cocoon, just as I am. Even better, it’s wings are bright and beautiful, and that’s where I want to be, one day.
So my name is a method and my avatar is the shining star I reach for.
This is in contrast to who I was before. Before I called myself “Daloon,” the loon. The crazy guy. Insanity was my badge of honor. It was a noble and horrible job, and I worked and worked, but just because I was mentally ill didn’t mean I was crazy. Even so, I wanted to claim crazy as a matter of pride, because the mentally ill are discriminated against and we are just as good as anyone else when treated properly. Sometimes even when not treated.
My avatar… hard to describe. Most people saw it as buttocks, and in truth, I did find it by searching on the term “ass.” But it also had a world map photoshopped onto it, and I liked that, because my concerns are global. I was a crazy damn asshole who never let himself feel good enough. Well, I say that as if I had a choice about feeling good. I didn’t.
But now I do—feel good and have a choice. I want to stay feeling good. I am so tired of feeling bad. So now I am emerging from my hell and every day I stay out here is a beautiful day. Just for today, I can stay out here.