Would you get involved with someone who has four children?

It would totally depend on the girl…

And honestly, it’d depend even more on her kids.

My husband has 3 biological children. I have none. It has been 6 years now and I still have no regrets.

It’d really depend on where I am in my life and the situation. It’s something I’d have to experience in order to give a genuine response.
It would also depend on whether I had/wanted children and if he wanted to have more children.
Ultimately, his having four children wouldn’t prevent me from getting involved.

If i was head over heels, then i’d take all the responsibility that came with it.

Me & the wife…...damn did it again, the wife & I have two fabulous kids, a son & a daughter. She already had two kids from a previous marriage when we met. Eighteen years later & all’s well in the merry old homestead. Never was an issue.

Why did you ask?
Got something to do with your earlier question?
If the mother of the children is the one that i would like to share my life with, i would do it.
Although, i can imagine that it can give some problems, especially if some of the children are of an age where they consider every guy other then their biological father an intruder and behave accordingly.
Don’t know, by the way, if that is an age thing just.

Sure, it can work. But, having said that, a person is not only marrying the s/o, but the children also. If they are good kids and this person has a strong feeling for the children also, it can work. And, the age of the children makes a huge difference. If they are teenagers, that can be a HUGE task, but if the children are still in the formative years, different story. There is a lot of ressentiment toward s/o’s for teenagers. If the children are in their formative years, all they are looking for is someone to love them and guide them.

Very tough decision. Ultimately, this person has to decide what is best for them and their s/o, but more important, what is best for those children.

When you really like a person you have to accept them for the whole package and all the baggage. If your not ready for children then don’t date her. There are single women without kids. Meet the kids and see you and them get along.

… I wouldn’t dive into meeting the kids, depending on how serious the relationship already is. Children don’t need people in and out of their lives like clockwork. If you like her company, and are prepared for the possibility of accepting her children into your life, only THEN would I consider meeting the children.
The children should be kept in consideration always, they certainly won’t be going away. But bringing them into the picture should be well down the line.

How important is it to have your own biological children? I really don’t want my own.

But I did date a woman that had a kid and it was like we had to break-up twice. It was a fuckton harder to explain to the kid that I still loved them but they will probably never talk to me again.

I avoid kids. Normal relationships are hard enough.

Big John….the big 30,000! Congrats man!

Well definitely four children sounds a bit too much. Managing four children is no easy task especially if you are planning to have your own children too. You should be wary of your financial position and before all that you should be sure about accepting the children. But above all if the girl you say is, say, your soul mate, then there is no much turning back.

Good god, no. For the obvious reasons. I am not a fan of parenting at all just because I am still young, but if I ever consider being a parent (I’m initially planning not to) I do not care if it is mine or not.

Absolutely not. I don’t get along with children so much to begin with. But I’d like to have the option to have a lot of my own one day, and I’m not looking to make a Brady Bunch.

I’ve got enough on my plate, so I just probably wouldn’t go there, emotionally. I suppose if the feeling is strong enough, I’d be open to it. Biological kids isn’t the be all and end all to me. Caring for them and helping them out in life is enough.

That said, I’d love to make my own kids, but somehow I feel that that wouldn’t be a good idea in a relationship where kids are already in the mix, unless they are much older.

Why did you ask the question?

So many variables to that question, but on the face of it, I’d have to say no. Especially if they’re still small, since I never plumped for any myself for a reason.

Whoa, I’m kind of taken back. You’re thinking of passing up someone because there are four little ones in the equation? Yeah, it’s a lot to bite off, but think of the upside. Five times as much love you could experience.

If I met someone and we were hitting it off really well, them having children wouldn’t make me run in the other direction. I would let things progress and be sure that I was really into the guy before I met his children. Then once I felt really serious about the guy, I’d meet his children. I would insist on spending at least some time getting to know them before the relationship progressed to marriage and/or living together. It would suck to agree to move in with someone, only to find out their children hate you.

I was that single parent for several years. Dating is hard sometimes when you have children. I met several guys that ran as soon as I mentioned I had a son. When I met my husband, we met as friends and he had already met my son (because he was a friend of the family). We started dating and eventually we started doing things with my son as well. Luckily for me, my husband didn’t run. He loves my son and is planning to adopt him when he gets home from Iraq.

Not everyone likes kids and there’s nothing wrong with that. But, as @Seaofclouds shows, everyone isn’t that way and people can still be in a relationship with someone who loves them and their children. If I don’t want to be around kids, then a single father of small children not being with me would actually be doing what’s best for him and his family by not dating or developing feelings for someone like me. Right?

I should have prefaced that with I’ve never had kids, but I’ve never come across kids that I didn’t get along with. Correct aprilsimnel.

@aprilsimnel I completely agree. While it sucked to have men leave just because I had a son, it definitely was better for my son that way (he never met them or got attached to them). If the relationship would have progressed and the guy would have acted negatively towards my son (because of him not liking children in general), that would have been the end of the relationship right then and there anyway. So in all, it saves everyone involved some heartache.

That sucks.

@zenele With a fifth on the way? ~

It’d depend on their ages. Young ones (< 15), I don’t think so.

I personally do not want to date anyone with young children. If they are grown, it wouldn’t matter. I couldn’t put up with the drama of teenage girls.

Did you get someone pregnant?

@chyna He has yet to deny it.

The kids didn’t get the choice to be in the mix. Isn’t it a little unfair to them to factor them in?

@bob_ I noticed that. It leads me to the conclusion that he has, indeed, knocked someone up.

@chyna Dibs on being the Godfather.

My baby mama has five kids, one is mine, the rest, she apodpted. I kind of wish she would meet someone, it would sure take some of the pressure off. I met her and wanted to have a kid with her. Can’t wait, I’m going to see her soon. Well enough about me, no don’t date her, there are so many girls with less baggage. Unless, of course your looking for an instant family, and aren’t as shallow as I am, then I wish you luck. Imagine playing dad to an array of kids you just met, yeesh, like what are you suppossed to do, “Hey kids I’m Daddy” I’m not a dead beat dad. I’m more like a stud, I made a beautiful baby. Hopefully this response will illicit some good replies, the kind that I like.

@bob_ You can be the Godfather. I have dibs on the Godmother. Shall we start a thread to “Name Zenele’s new baby?~

I am involved with someone who has two young children. It did not affect my decision to have a relationship with him. And we do plan to have a child of our own too in the future.

That is a lot of kids but they’d become my kids. I can’t answer as to my own biological children but if I didn’t have any in this situation, then yes I’d want some of my own, as well…not to fulfill my biological ‘destiny’ or whatever but to have a child with my new love.

It should make no difference. if two people truly fall in love with each other, the children will just be part of the package. although, i will say that the odds of this working out is slim. the main problem is children correction. let their mother do the correcting, only. blood is thicker than water and their mom will take offense. i have seen this on many occasions. remember this, the children’s biological father will always be around, so accept this.

You fall in love with her, you fall in love with her children.

Not taking the children into account is wrong.
You don’t want someone that doesn’t like children (like me) randomly meeting a nice guy, later to find out that he has four children.
To just go with it is all wrong. Not everyone enjoys little ones.

No.

“Or is love blind and you accept the person come what may?”
That pretty much says it.

Been there done that and went to hell for it.
But, I am climbing my way out of it. Will probably do it again.

After all, it is love. ;-)

I would not.

@josie is a smart man.

I want to say, “get back to us after you fall in love with a woman with children.”

But, if you stay away to begin with, it’s a non-issue.
Personally, I try to stay away from the get go.

No disrespect to all you fine ladies with children.

@ChazMaz That’s ok. I feel the same way. My youngest is eleven. I did not try to have a relationship at all when she was a baby, I, well. never mind. But the other person’s kids can ruin a relationship in any number of ways. Those who get together and find a way to make it work are fortunate.

As @ChazMaz says, “stay away to begin with.” In all my dating life, I have only dated one guy with kids, and they were in college. I made it a point to never date anyone with kids. Yes, this narrows the dating field, but what the heck.

I would. I know a man that got involved with a woman with 7 children and they are still happily married after 24 years.

@vbabe I’m sure that’s a special situation; I commend them for making it work, but you will have a hard time finding another guy that would do that.

It would depend on how much I loved the women and the attituteds of the children and their ages.If I felt they could accept me and we had some sort of bond that could grow,maybe?!I’m too old at this point to accept this type of relationship and could possibly destoy the relationship with my mere precence.

@rebbel Thanks for asking – I am not ignoring the others – I am just responding to your question about this, and the other one. They aren’t connected, as both she and I do not want more kids. But I am interested in someone who I have just met – who happens to have four kids. The father, however, is out of the picture completely. We’ll see where this leads…

I wouldn’t get involved with anyone who has children or anyone who wants children.

I don’t think I could cope with the responsibility of raising kids again. I’ve done my time already and I feel too old for it now. I would run a mile from a relationship with anyone who has or wants kids.

There are many factors to be considered in complex situations such as blended families and it depends how much preexisting trauma the children have experienced. If the woman is emotionally well balanced and her relationship with her children suggests that family is mainly intact, and if you are physically, mentally and financially prepared for the responsibilities of helping to rear those children for two or more decades, then if you love that woman, go ahead and make the commitment to her and her children.

If you and she can agree on having future children, then you should not have problems over that issue at a later date.

I am glad I had my own children when I married a mother who had two of her own. All the children were grown up when we married.

@Dr_Lawrence You are wise as you are clever, my chaver: If the woman is emotionally well balanced and her relationship with her children suggests that family is mainly intact, and if you are physically, mentally and financially prepared for the responsibilities of helping to rear those children for two or more decades, then if you love that woman, go ahead and make the commitment to her and her children.

Agreed.

Notwithstanding, before one gets involved with someone, especially at my age, and with this type of situation, my question is; should I even pursue it? Love is, after all, a wonderful thing – but we aren’t teens and we both have kids. Before romance is expored, one can determine for oneself whether or not to even get involved.

It’s a dillema. Morally, as well as emotionally, I am deliberating with myself whether to pursue this. @downtide said, in essence, that he wouldn’t. Until I met her I had always said the same; I have been a singel father of two for many years and have “done my time”. I never thought my second relationship would entail a woman plus four. I dunno.

For me it would depend on the ages of the kids and if they lived with their father or not. My partner has 3 kids but they’re over the age of 10 and live with their mother fulltime with weekly visits to my partner/me.

Or is love blind and you accept the person come what may?
My love is not blind but it sure does get cloudy. I keep in mind what I know about myself, what I want from that person and what I’ve estimated they can give me. If I entered blindly then I might end up never feeling “enough”.

Or perhaps you are more rational and won’t date someone who has (2,3,4,5 or more) children?
As above, it would depend on the ages of the kids, where they live fulltime and how everyone’s provided for. If I foresee a man won’t ever have a few days alone with just me then he’s not the guy for me.

How important is it to have your own biological children?
Not important. I’ve chosen not to have any children of my own at all since I’ve never been in the position to provide securely for any. I have taken under my roof several relative’s kids and was fine with those relationships.

My mom and I were discussing this recently and I said my only objection would be taking someone else’s teenage girl under my roof and then having her turn up pregnant. I could never get over being subject to blame or somewhat responsible for that happening on my watch.

@Neizvestnaya Thanks for taking the time to talk about it.

There are four kids; two boys ages 18 and 15ish, two girls ages 14 and 8. The father is completely out of the picture and neither in touch with the woman nor with his children.

I have two angels ages 18 and 16 – girl and boy. I have raised them since they were very young. I have never remarried nor had anyone join out household – in over 12 years.

@zenele
What I wrote is my own personal view based on what I know I can handle but it’s definitely not what I wish I was capable of or what I hope others can be capable of.

The kids you mention aren’t really kids, not so much in my eyes. The 14, 15 and 18 are already teens into doing their own thing, more of jr. adults than kids. It’s sad the father has no contact, I think. If I got involved with a man like that then I’d wonder about him, why he’d not had contact and it might even affect my esteem of him as it applies to our relationship.

My mother is similar to you in that when she divorced and my sister was young (under 10) then she never dated nor took anyone into her home- she literally put my sister first in order to rule out any conflict or possible awkwardness or abuse you hear so much about with steparenting or “dates”. Your kids are grown enough though they probably have very definite ideas of their dad having relationships?

Just to clarify: I am a guy, single father of two. She has four kids, three of them teens. Their father is not in touch with them at all. My ex does see our kids now and then. We have an ok relationship now, but my kids grew up with their father essentially.

The blended family, per se, would consist more of a two house, distance kind of situation. Maybe, in the future, the kids could meet – but this would be in the future. My daughter has her own place, my son is very independant and has his room in both houses (in his mom’s too).

Her situation looks pretty good – from what I’ve seen and heard. One is almost out of the house, the middle two teens are cool and they all get along well – taking good care of the little “princess” – who is really cute and likes me as I have been helping her with homeowrk and teaching her a little guitar (I bought a little one).

:-)

@zenele: Go for it!

No, I was not willing to become involved with someone with young children. Adult children—sure.

Well i would just say go for it if you feel the girl is the right one for you.There may be responsibilities for sure.But to live a life with a girl of your dreams is much much better than to quit fearing a problem that can be practically solved. Settle down with her and give a thought of how you together are going to solve it.

:-)

She keeps whispering sweet nothings on the phone and texting me stuff that would make a jellyfish blush. But I’m loving it – to quote Ronald McDonald. (My mind is in the gutter, so I’m quoting fictitious, horrible clowns who make people obese and ruin the world. Oh, where’s the Bard when you need him?! It must be love.

@Neizvestnaya I just might.

@zenele “They aren’t connected, as both she and I do not want more kids. But I am interested in someone who I have just met”
Sorry for responding a bit late.
I didn’t understand your sentence, to be honest, at first.
He has someone and doesn’t want (more) kids, and he met someone (new) who has kids and he is considering to join in…?
But now, after reading your other answers, i think i do.
The one is your ex, the other (new woman) is a newly met woman?
Am i right?

@zenele Go for it. If it doesn’t work what are you out? If you pass what are you going to think of when you’re setting in the rocker at the rest home?

This guy would have to be uber nice….!
Also it may be a little bit fun, seeing as though i have NO desire to have children of my own, yet have sometimes thought that i’d like to have a child through other means.
I don’t really know, i’ve never thought about such a scenario.

@zenele you must be a good father. Father knows best in this situation.

I feel I must clarify for those who haven’t just said either go for it, or they personally wouldn’t attempt such a blending. Both answers are of course legitimate and fine. To each his own.

I am a single dad of two grown kids. I have recently met (very very early stage) someone who has 4 kids – whose ex is neither in touch with her, or his kids.

If we decide to take it further, it would mean her 4 plus my two kids of varying ages. That’s about it for now.

Thanks again for your interest, and support – either way.

Respectfully yours,

ZEN OUT

Oh, and neither of us wants any more kids – together, that is. 6 would be puhlenty.

My thinking is because both you and she have been the established and steady fulltime parents then blending the two families will be more positive and exciting than if you were trying to blend “visitation” kids. I hate to call them “visitation” kids but they definitely act different in their fulltimes homes than with the away parent.

Well whatayaknow! I am dating a guy with four children, he also has four grandchildren. All of his kids are grown, but that doesn’t mean it is all peaches and cream. While it may be different that marrying someone with young children, it has its own set of issues. My boyfriend has seen his way clear to date a woman with three young children as well. We are challenged and I would be lying if I said the kids didn’t add to it, but we are making it.

It would not be a deal breaker for me.
But, as a woman, usually the guy doesn’t have full custody..so I wouldn’t expect to be with someone who had four kids full time. And geez, add my kids in…six kids! I don’t know if my sanity could take it.

@Neizvestnaya Agreed, thanks. @SuperMouse Cool coincidence. @casheroo Thanks – it would make us have 6 kids too, basically, and we are both full-time – though we each have one over 18.

@zenele From what I have learned about you, I get the impression that you deserve to be loved by this woman and to build relationships with her children and still be a good father to your own children. I advise you to discuss this with your children. I’m sure you will find them receptive and supportive of your relationship with this woman.

If this woman discusses the situation with her children and feels comfortable to enter into a relationship, then you may bring more joy into your life and the life of the children each of you have raised and still love.

I hope you find yourself able to pursue this relationship.

Best wishes, chaver!

Thanks buddy. That was nice.

I love children & never been blessed to have my own. In my younger days, I never hesitated to date a man with children. In my eyes, a man willing to be responsible enough to keep his children together & give them a good home was a good man worthy of my love…especially if he had several. When I was young, men did’t usually get the kids; so it was extra special when they did because it usually meant they had fought hard for their right as a Father!!!