How do you regain trust in someone you love and loves you?

It just depends on how long it takes the person to get over what happened and be able to start trusting the other person again. Sometimes it can take months, other times it can take years. It just depends on the people involved.

I was going to say patience, but after reading your details I would say it takes a good year or so before trust can be gained. There needs to be a point when you let go of the anger if the person is doing every thing right to get that trust back. You can’t hold on to the anger for years. The relationship will never work if you do.

tough question. All you can do is try. Time is a great healer of wounds. The amount of time depends on the effort given and the decisions made in the relationship. Good decisions usually gives good results. Good luck. I’ve been there and done that. The brokenhearted part. I’ve survived….would not ever want to relive that again.

@brokenhearted Welcome to fluther. While new, you might want to reconsider your nickname for the longer run. Just saying. You won’t always be broken-hearted.

Need more details, however, as one who has been betrayed (hasn’t everyone?) I am a little black and white regarding this: no second chances.

hm…it is a good question to ask. But I agree with Bobo1946. All you can do it try…I mean if you don’t try enough she won’t see. But I have a feeling if you can REALLY try then you can do it! If things don’t work out, then it just wasn’t meant to be. But always have faith in yourself. I don’t know what else to say besides that.

trust is gone. just the way it is. Doesn’t matter; why should it?

Right now it’s you and the drinking you have to come to terms with. Quit the drinking first and foremost…then let go of the anger…accept and love yourself first and foremost then the rest will follow.

As someone who’s been the partner of several alcohol abusers I’d say to give it at least a year of you no longer abusing to rebuild the relationship based on a cleaned up and/or tidied up you. I know what it’s like to be excited for someone but at the same time be terrified of what they’re capable when abusing and sometimes the fear and past hurt wins out to where it feels safer to just retreat. Go slow and accept time for you may pass differently than for your friend. You feeling deserving of trust is different that someone else risking themselves to extend theirs to you. You probably feel you’re the one who went through the hell but anyone who cares about you most likely did too in ways you might never have imagined or been privy to.

The best you can do is express yourself to the other party—make clear how you feel, that you’re sorry, and that you wish things were okay. It’s obvious but oft-forgotten: you can’t make someone forgive you. Forgiveness comes from them. Do what you can to make your intentions clear and prove that you are changed and worthy of trust. After that it’s up to them.

I recommend writing a letter. Writing a letter gives you time to think through what you want to say and how to phrase it. It’s better than an email because you’re less likely to send it off impulsively, but if you write a email, let it sit a couple days then edit it at least once before sending it off. After that letter, if they don’t get back in touch, don’t pester them. The ball’s in their court—you may as well forget about it.

As for how long it will take; only you and your loved one knows. Actions speak louder than words. Do everything you can to rebuild the trust you once had. It will be hard, but if you’re committed to the relationship, it will work. Good luck.

I’m going to add to what @BrattLady wrote:

Action speak louder than words when it comes to making a positive but you’d better have words handy for the negative times.

@Cruiser Your post was poignant and correct, imo, but what was that movie that had the roadsigns that sent the “hero” personal messages – and at the end it was… and the rest will follow?

I had a similar situation with my sister. Trust is gone forever, but I am always willing to grant the benefit of the doubt. I act as if what she does/says is true, and try not to be to surprised when is doesn’t work out that way.

I do a lot of what @YARNLADY writes in regards to a few particular people. I pay lip service to them as if I give them every benefit of a doubt but I really don’t have that much faith and so am not so surprised when they let me down. What I think of them though, it doesn’t get in the way of me wanting to do for them, I just try to keep any ideas of reciprocation to a minimum.

Sometimes forever is not long enough

How I found this site I don’t know. I am in the process of rebuilding my life before I can ask for future commitments. I do have a loving and caring woman who stuck with me but I pushed the envelop to the end. She is still by my side but in a different way. She is no longer the alcoholics wife or enabler. She is a woman of much knowledge that I depended on for years to bring structure into my life. I am countable to myself. I am responsible for my own actions. What happens happens there is no planned future it is all randomness.

@brokenhearted you can do this. You have come a long ways from reading your prior comment.

Everyday is a fight for everyone. Just remember we are ALL “in that boat” with you. Everyone faces the same screwed world. It ain’t easy. The thing that keeps me going is fighting the fight for those that love me. Keep on trucking my friend.

If it’s a drinking problem then there is still hope….. they are there to support you but it will take time for them… but cheating will lose you everything.

If you have a woman who still loves you and is willing to stand by your side, YOU ARE A VERY LUCKY MAN! I was not able to do that after many years of watching my husband destroy his life and make ours a living hell. I think that you are on the right track realising that you are accountable and responsible for your own actions. I wish you all the strength that is needed to live sober, just keep your eye on the prize(the love of your woman).

@brokenhearted Actions are the best indicator for me. The most important thing is that you’re doing this for yourself and not for anyone else. If things are meant to come around with your loved ones, they will. There’s always hope. Good luck.

Trust is EARNED over time and that time can be very long if you keep failing. Keep doing the right thing not trying to do the right thing.
Do it for you.
The rest will happen.

@brokenhearted: You ARE very fortunate your love has stayed with you as you’ve worked through the drinking and all that goes with it. I left my partner of 7yrs because he wasn’t willing to make any changes to his life and his negativity and depression eventually started taking me down. I did stick with another partner who took action to help himself for himself but also because he knew he’d have no future with me once I learned the extent of his abusing. Being able to take action, over and over as necessary makes all the difference in the world to building hope then faith then trust then security and confidence.

I think it helps if the guilty party forgives itself, and also forgives any resentment of the other parties. If you show genuine self-respect, even those you have sorely hurt will have no choice but to respect you as well. This will help them understand you more, thus allowing them to trust you more. It’s not about “forgiveness.” It’s about understanding.

Leave.

If they love you and you love them, you can work together to help you stop your bad habits… being together means you work together. But cheating will end you with nothing, thats the only thing I believe that can destroy everything you have with someone.

I know an alcoholic who asks over and over again:
“why does she always think the worst of me, why can’t she see I’m trying my best, why doesn’t she give me credit for the good things I do?”

My answer has been:
“Stop doing the crap over and over again so enough time can pass that you seem to her to be trustworthy and committed again.”

With an alchoholic, abusing or abstaining then relapses make all the “good stuff” appear as if it was just a cover or diversion from what was “really going on”.