What are some good ways to help a middle-schooler handle stress at school?

Middle school is a very stressful time. It is just when all of the stresses of puberty click in. You might take your daughter to school early, and walk with her from class to class and to her locker so she gets familiar with her route in advance. Perhaps the office has a map of the campus, and she could get a copy and mark it up. Just having that may give her more confidence.

Go over her class schedule with her, Ask her if she knows her teachers yet. If not, get out a copy of the yearbook, and look them up. Show their pictures to her.

I think one of the first things to do is to try to find out which aspects of school seem to be stressing her out. Then from there, try to find ways to help her deal with or avoid those situations. For example, if her stress was the crowded hallways, perhaps she could work something out where she would be able to leave the classroom a few minutes early in order to get to the next class while the halls were empty. Talking to the school counselor sounds like a great idea and having your sister-in-law help her with her organization may help as well.

You might want to work with her on issues of not feeling she has to be perfect if she has them, and also how and where she can get help when needed at school. Look up some exercises on dealing with anxiety through deep, slow breathing and practice those techniques with her. Identify some people in the school that she can turn to when she is feeling overwhelmed.

If her school allows, take her schedule and walk through the class changes before school starts. Verbally give her permission to not get A’s as long as she feels that she’s doing the best work that she can. Students learn more from correcting their mistakes than from getting something right the first time. A mistake is only a mistake if an error is not corrected. Make sure that she has adequate time management skills so that she’s not rushed, and that she gets to bed early. If you find that you are constantly telling her to hurry up, this is a sign that the schedule needs to be altered.

Does your daughter have a day planner and a campus map?. It could be made fun. Also I think it is helpful to make the students lockers a bit personalized with some pictures of her favorite things in magnatized frames on the walls.
The breathing is ok, inhale through the nose to push diaphram down (tummy comes out)and exhale by letting the air leak out the mouth. But I think the best thing is to teach her to drop her shoulders. Too much of this body stuff in public makes a person feel different and imperfect.
I would concentrate on making things fun through planning. Sounds like you are on the right path.

Ask the counselors if she can take a personal day off to relax… I did and I got 3 days without grief

She started middle school in 5th grade? I have never heard of such a thing. I have been shocked that they now start in 6th, because there is such a diference between a 6th grader and an 8th grader to be in the same school. It doesn’t really surprise me that 5th graders might feel overwhelmed. Do most of the children adjust easily? It might just have been she was not emotionally mature enough, and this year will be much easier. Is she very worried, or are you worried there might be a repeat of last year?

You say she often voiced to you being stressed about changing from room to room. What exactly was her stress regarding it? The amount of time she had to get from class to class? The simple disruption of having to gather her things? Changing classes takes planning, when to go to your locker, do you take books for just next period, or for three classes, etc. I agree with seeing if you can visit the school a ahead of time and plan out when she will go to her locker and literally walk the halls to each class.

You mentioned organizational skills, I think that is a great idea. Changing classes could be code for she would forget the right notebook in her locker and was unprepared. Could be anything really.

She may not be revealing exactly what she is worried about, kind of skirting the truth. Do you think that is possible? If she is not revealing what is really stressing her, all advice is for naught.

One last question. Have the migraines gone away while on summer break?

@JLeslie: She also started getting migraines from time to time. We can’t find any common triggers in her diet or sleep pattern, but she didn’t have a single migraine over the summer.

@all Thanks for the thoughts and suggestions so far!

@JLeslie Yes, she started middle school last year. Her school is the “lower” middle school, with only 5th and 6th grades. The school does an admirable job of helping students settle in at the start of the 5th grade year. They also stagger the class times so the 5th and 6th graders are not moving from room to room at the same time. It is certainly possible that other aspects of school are causing stress, but she is usually very open about things like problems with teachers or kids that tease her. She handles those kinds of things very well, I think, and has a good perspective on them.

She has not had a migraine once since school let out for the summer.

The school does not have an orientation day for 6th graders, and they don’t get their class schedules until the first day of school. We know her homeroom and which “team” she is on. Each team has the same four core classes together. I will see if one day after the start of school I can meet her after school to go through her routine and maybe help her come up with a good plan for having time to visit her locker between classes so she isn’t overwhelmed.

We don’t place a big emphasis on grades or perfection.

I don’t think she is very worried, and it’s not something I am starting to panic over either. It’s enough of a concern though that I do want to talk to the school about it. I’ve been very impressed with her teachers so far and don’t doubt they will help where they can.

I’d like to offer her advice from my own middle school years, but my school was very small. My entire class from 6th to 8th grade fit into one classroom. We all went from math to English to science together. The classrooms and lockers all fit into one hallway, so being late was almost impossible. Her school is so completely different, I was floored the first time we toured it. It makes my high school look like something from the Dark Ages!

@MaryW Each of the students is given a day planner on the first day of school. She uses hers to write down assignments. The teachers also make good use of email and the school’s website to keep parents updated on lesson plants and long-term projects.

When she talks about being stressed, she says it is from “rushing from class to class” and “hurrying all day.” She has a study hall period, which last year was at the end of the day. She chose to take an extra class during that time for most of the year, and when I suggested she keep the study hall in order to not have another thing to rush to, she said the extra class was the best part of her day. Cracks me up.

I thought of a story, I have no idea if it wil help. My husband, back when he was young, started developing some physical symptoms, and eventually his mom took him to the doctor. After the doctor evaluated him for any physical problems he asked his mom to wait for a moment outside of the exam room. At that point my husband revealed to the doctor that he was freaked out because he is always worried he is going to be late to football practice I find it so cute. If you knew my husband this is not surprising at all The way I understand it he had told his mom he is worried about being late, but she told him they would not be late, and didn’t give it another thought. They typically were not late, but for him he needed more cushion, an extra 10 or 15 minutes to not worry. When the doctor communicated this back to his mom, she was shocked that this might be causing all of his problems. The thing is my husband thought he had communicated what was bothering him and how to fix it, and was being ignored. But the truth is he had not communicated he just wanted to leave 15 minutes earlier, he had only said he was worried about being late, and assumed his mom would realize the solution is obvious. His mom had ignored his concerns, because she knew they would get there on time.

The point of my story is, sometimes a third party can figure these things out better. Doesn’t have to be a professional, could be an aunt or another relative.

@gailcalled I missed that line. Thank you. Getting too late at night :).

Oh, I should also add that she is not loaded up with activities outside of school. She’s a Girl Scout and sometimes will sign up for intramural sports. Each session lasts six weeks, with one afternoon a week. Other than that, she has plenty of down time at home and on weekends. We limit the kids to one or two activities at a time so they have time to just be kids.

@MissAusten Usually the teachers are back in school a week or two before classes. Maybe they will let you come in before school starts and get a handle on where her classes will be.

@MissAusten: I am so sorry your daughter feel this way about school. I was blessed with insane stomach aches during my time at school. I think the best you can do for her is really let her know that school is not nearly as important as people say it is no, really, it isn’t and let her screw up sometimes.

One of the best things my mom did for me was to believe me when I thought a teacher had it out for me. It was such a relief to be able to go home and say, “So-and-so was at it again.” Also, when parent/teacher conferences come up, have some meetings with the teachers she likes and for whom she does good work. It always made me feel better to know that my mom wasn’t just worried about where I was doing badly.

I’m sorry I can’t be of more help. Middle school was maybe the worst three years of my life. :(

@KatawaGrey Thanks for those thoughts! I will make an extra effort to let her know that we don’t expect perfection. Now that my youngest is finally staring kindergarten, I hope to be able to volunteer more and be at the school more often so I can get to know the teachers even better and learn more about what her days there are really like.

@JLeslie Your story about your husband’s worries is a good reminder to really listen, not just to the surface of things!

@MissAusten You are such great parents; I’m sure you will find many ways to help her through this.

In addition to all of the other excellent suggestions above, I would add…ask your daughter for her ideas. And use some of the suggestions in a question form as a way of getting her to open up more.

“Sweetie, would walking through the school and checking out where the cafeteria, library, gym, etc. are help?”

After one visit…“Sweetie, do you want to do this again in a few days?”

Introduce her to the guidance counsellor before the start of school also.

Is she more or less mature physically, taller or shorter than average, self-conscious about some part of her appearance, menstruating yet, etc.?

@gailcalled Yes, I will ask her for ideas and see what she thinks of things we’ve come up with.

As for her maturity, she is pretty much right in line with most girls her age. She’s not tall or short, has started developing physically but not to the point where she stands out among her peers, and hasn’t started menstruating yet. She gets the occasional pimple, poor kid! She’s not even close to being overweight, and is so pretty I already dread the future onslaught of boys. :(

Emotionally and intellectually, she doesn’t always fit in with other kids. She is very outgoing and social, but sensitive and not always good at picking up on social cues. Other kids tend to find her a bit odd, but she does have one best friend and a few other girls that she also gets along very well with. She’s extremely smart and tends to get along better with adults than other kids. Part of it is her vocabulary, which includes a lot of words you just don’t normally hear from kids, and part of it is just the way her mind works. I think she’s kind of at an awkward age, which you can see when a big group of girls get together. There are girls that want to be teens already, are concerned with hair, clothes, boys, and being seen as cool or popular. There are girls more like my daughter and her friends, who aren’t into those things very much and still just want to play and have a good time without worrying about how their interests look to other people. Then, there are the girls who are somewhere in the middle.