How would you handle this family situation?

I would go if that’s what my gut told me to do and if she really doesn’t want me there, I’d arrange to stay with a friend or in a hotel. You don’t lose anything by making this gesture.

Was there any non-verbal subtext to the conversation? Was she adamant or was she using a “You don’t have to bother” tone?

I would think, in general, that she is not thinking clearly right now and you should go. As should whichever one of your parents is her child.

As to the lack of memorial, is that what your grandfather wanted? Or is it all too much for her?

I think someone should check this out. It could even be a sign of Alzheimer’s or other mental deterioration.

@marinelife: She just sounded so sad and worn out when I talked to her, and she kept saying she couldn’t handle it if anyone came. My father (her child) is taking this at face value and not going.

She is a stubborn old Jewish woman and not really into accepting help with things.

I actually have no idea what my grandfather wanted. He had been in declining health for so long, they must have discussed it, so I guess this is what he wanted…?

I would just go and see her, Am sure when she sees you she’ll be happy and forget all she said of you not coming to visit.

I would go and visit with her. I wouldn’t mention the memorial or what needs to be done, instead, I would just enjoy the time with her.

Just go and if she puts up a fuss, tell her you’re doing it for yourself and that it’s something you feel you need to do. Hoepfully, she won’t begrudge you that. Maybe she would be more open to the idea if she felt she was helping you, I don’t know.

Be prepared though to suffer her complaints. Perhaps she’ll come to some kind of grief/catharsis after she badgers you for a few days.

I’m sorry for your loss, niki.

Follow your instinct and go—not for your grandmother, for yourself. She won’t be with you forever, but if you don’t do what you feel you should, the regret may be.

@nikipedia : First, I’m sorry for the loss of your grandfather. Whether you were close or not, it is still a loss. From the way you describe it, your grandmother sounds tired. I would go. I would arrange to stay somewhere else and visit her at home or take her out. You can offer to help with cleaning out the house, but I wouldn’t press it. You can offer whatever help you feel is necessary, but I think visiting her might be the best help you can give at present.

Thanks, guys. I felt like it was the right thing to do but I wasn’t sure if I was being the crazy one. I just hope she’s willing to see me once I’m there. I’m gonna make the most of it and make my way up the east coast and see some other friends and family. (If any of you wanna hang, I’ll be going from North Carolina up to Boston.)

I am sorry to hear of your loss. I hope you follow your first mind to reach out to your grandmother. Sometimes there are underlying circumstances for actions people take during their time of sorrow. You won’t find that out unless you go there and see your grandmother face to face. Also this may be a cry for help. Hopefully some things can be resolved that will bring your family a little closer, at least emotionally.

Go. If you don’t, you might regret it later. Since you say she just sounded tired, not really adamant, she may really want you there, but doesn’t want to put you out. She may even think she doesn’t want anyone there, until she sees them and realizes she does need someone, just for some human contact, to talk about her husband and reminisce.

I think you should go anyway.

Go see your Gramma. Even if you haven’t been close in the past, and even if she seems unappreciative, it will help her. Even if she seems mean to you when you get there stay in town and give her time to be able to visit with you. That fact that she wants no memorial service says to me she needs someone around right now. She’s lost her mate and that has to be very difficult for her. It also may make her regret not being close to you guys (her family). Go.

Is it possible that she needs some time to proces and grieve by herself? Why am I always in the minority? I would respect her wishes. Or maybe you could go and get a hotel and just let her know you’re there if she changes her mind? Could you maybe postpone going for a couple weeks to give her some time alone first? She may be struggling with emotions that run very deep and doesn’t want any witnesses until she feels like she has herself under control again. That would be my guess if she said she deosn’t want visitors. You said you were not close, so maybe she doesn’t want to share these feelings and emotions, just keep them between herself and him. I can understand that. A well meaning intrusion is still an intrusion.

I think the answer depends on when you last went to visit her. Unless it was recent I think you should stay away as she might feel that if you didn’t visit sooner then your feelings may not be genuine.

Go. Not for him, but for her and for you. Even if there’s not a service, it will mean a lot to you and to her if you just go and hang out with her for a few days.

Blood is thicker than water and you will not be ignored, once you arrive. maybe, just maybe, this is the action that needs to be taken to make your family “whole again”. the Lord works in mysterious ways and i would not let this opportunity pass by. you could be the straw that broke the camels back in bringing your family back together again. i would go.

Is there any chance that there’s more to the story?—like, for example, suppose that through years of taking care of her husband, she has been overwhelmed and unable to keep up with her home, and she doesn’t want anyone to see it? or she is living on a pittance and can’t afford to host anything? Is there any old grievance between your father and his parents? The fact that he is so ready to let the matter go suggests that there’s something else.

Does your father have any relatives—uncles, aunts, cousins—in her area who can clue you in?

If you can manage the trip, I agree that you’re better off to go and take your chances than to refrain and then always wish you had tried.

In a similar situation my favorite shrink told me to behave in a fashion that I would not regret later in my life. Following that way of thinking, if it were me, I would go otherwise I would probably second guess myself until the day I die. If indeed your grandmother does not want to see you when you arrive, try not to be hurt, just understand that is her stuff, not yours. You did what you needed to for your conscience to be at ease.

One further thought: you might consider inviting her to meet you away from her house or let you take her out somewhere for a low-key meal if she seems reluctant to ask you in—just in case one of my guesses was right. A public setting can also introduce a neutral tone that keeps a cap on strong interactions. There’s really no predicting what may happen since her handling of the whole thing is unexpected.

I know this is a weird question, but—how sure are you that your grandfather died, or died when she said he did?