I feel like some women are so used to guys hitting on them that they immediately become uncomfortable when a guy talks to them. How can I reduce the discomfort?

Be respectful. If she doesn’t seem interested, move on. Otherwise, it’s her responsibility to be open to new people, not your responsibility to get her to open up.

I agree with @papayalily. Be respectful while talking to her and don’t get too into her personal space. If she isn’t interested, stop trying, and move on.

Just be yourself, friendly, casual, and keep your eyes on her FACE!

Don’t talk to her tits.lol

The trick is to have casual conversation but in a way that has her starting to talk to you rather than recoiling and trying to get away from an awkward conversation.. Give her lots of space but tease her. It’s like fishing. You spread enough bait in the water and the fish will come to you.

I guess your best bet is to just not overstep your boundaries. Keep the conversation friendly, don’t immediately make little comments about how nice her eyes are or how great she looks in that dress. That would give her reason to think, “Creeper!” Wait a bit for those remarks; feel her out first. If she’s receptive to the conversation, she might be interested. If she seems cool or distant, it’s probably best not to flirt. But if she’s a warm, friendly person, it’s not likely she’d think poorly of you for complimenting her. So take the chance!

It’s interesting that you have this conundrum. Why? Because in the UK, anytime a woman talks to a man, it is interpreted as a come-on. This is (as I’ve stated before) even if you are merely commenting that the lima beans in the produce section are looking a bit peaked.

I am unable to carry on a simple conversation with a man anywhere in this country and not have it be interpreted as a “She wants me” moment. This is absolutely frustrating. What I want to say is: “Don’t flatter yourself.” I grew up with brothers and have a boatload of male platonic friends and just get along with men. But I have had to shelf all that since coming here. Also, men get upset when you aren’t interested in them as anything more than friends. As if that is just not possible. Apparently, here it is not.

So, above all….don’t have an attitude. Would you be happy with this woman if she wanted to be a friend first? Or are you looking for something else? (Seriously….because women can tell.) So be respectful. If a woman says, “Oh geez…another one…” it isn’t us being rude, it’s usually because of dealing with men who are disrespectful and automatically assume that we are desperate. (Not that you are like that, okay? I just meant in general.)

How can you make women feel more comfortable?

1. Smile.
2. Don’t use trite lines: “Nice weather we’ve been having,” or ” Wow, what’s a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?” or “If you were Mount Everest, I would want to climb you.”
3. A simple: “Hello” will either open up the conversation or not. Watch and listen.
4. If she isn’t interested, she will brush you off….with body language and/or with some other gesture of indifference. If she is interested, she will probably say, “Hello” back and smile and then either engage you in conversation or look to you to say more.
5. If she rejects you…do not push. Simply move on.

Also, I don’t know that hanging around bars is the best place to find women anyway. If you want to really find someone special…get out and take some classes….meditation or art or join a hiking club or ballroom dancing. Lots of women to be found where you can actually talk to them and get to know them in an environment that is more conducive to meeting women.

You can find someone who really wants to be with you…..so don’t waste your time with those who aren’t interested.

Not talking to women is what real creeps do….those are the lurkers off to the side leering, stalking…gutless wonders never taking the initiative to strike up a meaningful conversation. Quit staring and start talking!

Just talk to her like she’s any other person. With the exception of fart jokes and the like, start a conversation the same way you would as if it were a guy, and you were just looking to make another friend. For the first, say, 5–10 minutes, just concentrate on making a new friend, not on flirting. Most women just want to know that you’re as interested in her brain as her boobs, and that even if you two hook up that night and then never see each other again, you see her as a whole person, and not just as a walking vagina. Really, most of the guys I’ve exchanged more than 2 sentences with it was because they treated me like a person, not a woman.

My daughters’ top things at the top of the “Creepy” list”
1) Guys who comment on or compliment you appearance.
2) Guys who stare at your chest the whole time they are talking to you.
3) Guys who call you nicknames the first time they meet you.
4) Guys who make jokes or comments about gays.
5) Guys who keep texting or checking their phone while talking to you.
6) Guys who ignore the girlfriends that you’re with.

Try to be friendly and nonchalant. Don’t put too much pressure on the conversation. If the woman seems to be trying to end the conversation, let her, but also let her know that you enjoyed speaking with her.

I mind my own business, usually with my nose in a book. Anyone who wants to talk to me must take the initiative. That’s the best way I know of to not be a “creep”.

@DarlingRhadamanthus
Happens to me all the time here in the states.
Being a naturally open and friendly female I have complained about this for years!
Just today I was being friendly & humorous with a man next to me waiting on a coffee at a starbucks in the grocery store, he actually followed me out and asked if I was interested in getting together some time.

Um, no, sorry, just being friendly. lol ( rolling eyes )

@DarlingRhadamanthus I’m pretty sure that’s a universal experience, not just one in the UK.

Read body language and try to make ‘em laugh and try to not hit on ‘em in the middle of rush hour.

There are so many things that we are encouraged to do…must send very confusing messages to both sexes. Whatever happened to just hanging out or doing the things we are interested in, with the hope of meeting someone while doing so…not watching reality dating shows and texting while attempting to converse?

I’m so glad that I’m beyond that now.

I will always opt for something ‘real’, not a facade. There isn’t enough time left to waste it like that.

I understand that I need to “move on” if she shows no interest, that’s not what bothers me. What bothers me is the prospect of making them feel genuinely uncomfortable – the idea of making someone feel uncomfortable, making someone immediately think “how am I going to get out of this situation?” just sends chills down my spine in a bad way. I dread the idea of someone – man or woman – feeling awkward because of my presence.

Also, I’m not exactly trying to “hit on” women, but I would like to chat with attractive women I see at the bar just to see if there is any chemistry. If not, then I’d give a quick “Well it was nice meeting you, I need to find my friends now”. No, I’d never compliment them on their bodies of features – I’d be uncomfortable if someone did that to me.

You know the phrase “You had me at hello”? Well, I’m afraid of someone thinking “You creeped me at hello”. I want to learn how to minimize the amount of discomfort/creepiness.

I think you need to come to terms with why it bothers you so much. It seems more like the problem is your fear of creeping people out, not that you actually creep people out. I really doubt that you creep that many people out just by talking to them. You are worrying about the possibility of of creeping them out and if that causes you to act oddly, you will in fact creep them out. Try to relax and not think that you are creeping everyone out that you meet.

Humor is a great ice breaker for me.
If you can’t find something funny or interesting to say, keep it light and feel out the situation.

@limabean You sound like a likeable, regular fellow. Well, except for your phobia about being creepy! Why not try quietly smiling and let them be the first to speak?

I don’t understand why some girls/ladies get dressed up in revealing outfits, looking attractive, yet when someone compliments them, they act offended or creeped out. What are they hoping for? What is the appropriate response from others?

Mr, Limabean, maybe find a meeting place where YOU would feel more comfortable talking with ANYone. And, why not start out with the approachable ones.

@MissA Course, there’s a difference between wearing the little that Lady Gaga wears and simply wearing a summer dress that shows a bit of cleavage.

@papayalily

Absolutely. I was hoping that someone would not make that leap. Nor would I suggest the awful leap between a lack of clothing and rape.

I’m talking about ladies/girls who dress in a way that promotes reactions from their audiences…then, seem to reject the attention they’re seeking.

@limabean Imho, the thing about creeps is this: they don’t take no for an answer. Take no for an answer, the first time, and you won’t be a creep. And seriously, lots of women do have their own crap that you have no control over. I often feel creeped out more than I probably should when I’m hit on sometimes, and I’m trying to get to a place where I feel more “Not gonna happen, but thanks” than “Ew”. That’s my issue, and my responsibility to deal with, not theirs.

@MissA I’ve found that it almost always plays into a larger issue they have with self-worth and self-destructiveness.

@MissA Well in the case of dressing in a revealing/promiscuous fashion, I imagine they’re hoping to feel confident and good about themselves. I also try to dress well – within reason, of course – because I feel good when I feel like I look good. I don’t know if it’s as much about getting attention as it is boosting my confidence; I imagine it’s the same for women.

I’m off to bed, but want to be clear…dressing nicely, looking attractive is great. I was simply making a statement about some women making well-intentioned guys feel creepy about giving them the attention they seemed to have wanted.

@limabean…You made me laugh….“You had me at hello” vs. “You creeped me out at hello.” I thought that was priceless. Once again, my advice? Get out of the bar go somewhere else to meet women. A place that somehow gets you to interact with women naturally——a workshop, a birdwatcher’s club, hiking, biking club, anything.

@Coloma and @papayalily….I know what you mean…when a guy will say, “Want to go out sometime?” or ” Hey, want to grab some coffee?” And you have to turn them down. What I am talking about is this:

“Can’t imagine why it’s so cold in the middle of August”, I remark to the guy next to me as I am waiting for a bus.

“It’s not that cold,” he answers. He then follows you onto the bus, sits next to you and keeps looking at you with this goofy “hey, baby” look. Okay, it isn’t so much goofy as a mixture of goof-lech. And he’s not a lech, he’s just a normal British guy who doesn’t have a clue as to how to properly approach a woman and interact with her and open up to her or chat with her—-however, sex is okay. He can figure that part out. And you don’t have to connect emotionally that way. It’s a heck of a lot easier. So, he goes for the lunge. The lunge on a bus with a complete stranger. Uh, hello…? Since when did remarking about the weather mean, “I can’t wait to snog you?” But that little offhand remark is interpreted as a “come on”. That’s the situation I encounter here. From “Hello” to “jumpinthesackbecause yousaidhelloandyoumustwantme.”

Now, I have a come-back thanks to Mr @limabean : “You creeped me out at hello.”

Mr @limabean….By the way, the mere idea that you even care what women think tells me volumes about the sort of nice guy you are…..will someone out there please go out with this man? Thank you.

I was hit on a lot in my day, and the only people to creep me out were actual creeps. You don’t seem at all creep-like to me. Given that, I think it’s the phobia that needs working on, not your technique (which seems lovely). Maybe a little counseling and lots of practice would help?

@stranger_in_a_strange_land I can actually agree with what you said , to a degree and I can respect what you are saying.

@Cruiser You said Not talking to women is what real creeps do….those are the lurkers off to the side leering, stalking…gutless wonders never taking the initiative to strike up a meaningful conversation. Quit staring and start talking. True maybe half the time but I do not think it is fair to put shy guys in that category. Would you say that to shy women? From having two younger sisters what I can definitely say is there were many creeps that hit on them/talked to them first. I know this because we used to go out to different clubs together. Lets not stereotype here.

My take on this here is that everyone is different (both men & women). It is not fair to expect everyone to do the same thing in every scenerio (including dating). We should respect other peoples differences, not resort to immature name calling. Some guys prefer to take the initiative with women and some don’t. Once in a while I will but for the most part I require a woman to at least show me she is interested in me. I personally would never expect a woman to actually ask me out just like I would never expect a woman to propose to me or even pay for a date. However, it still does not mean a woman can’t initiate a conversation or approach/talk to a guy first, or let a guy know they like them. Maybe all this confusion could be avoided to begin with and less feelings would be hurt.

To clarify my answer a bit better: I’ve always been aware of my lack of social skills and lack of aptitude for learning them. Rather than appear to be a creep I’d rather be seen as uninterested; thus avoiding purely social situations and always having a book with me that I could stick my nose into during unavoidable down time in public places. I’ll always be an oddball, but I’d rather be an innocuous one than seem to be a pest. In general I’ve chosen to have no social life rather than make an ass of myself trying.

Please take @DarlingRhadamanthus ‘s advice…get involved in a group that you are interested in and where interaction is encouraged. Bars are just too hit or miss. While I have a few friends that met their SO in one, there are also many of us that go to socialize with the group we are with and are not looking for a mate.

Some online social forums might be helpful as well. I used to belong to Second Life and ‘met’ several men that claimed to be shy around women, but they felt that they were developing some social skills when it came to conversing with women. My fiancé was one of them.

@Pied_Pfeffer Why can’t women learn how to talk/converse with men? Why is it always a one-way street here? Women need to learn to be somewhat more assertive as well. Not just sit there, look pretty and wait. I also do not know who you were referring to. If it was me, I think you need to know something, I am already dating someone after a long deliberate break on my behalf. The girl talked to me first and made it obvious she liked me, then I asked her on a date. It seems to be going good so far.

Perhaps the really interesting and worthwhile ones don’t sit there and look pretty. They are overlooked because guys are fooled into thinking pretty package = quality content. It usually doesn’t work that way. It’s easier for quality content to translate to endearing package, than the other way around. More often than not a pretty package can hide a heinous bitch. But some guys like that in a woman.

@BarnacleBill I agree that men are guilty of this as well. Many men will complain because they ditch the women that do show interest in place for the beautiful bitch. I’m even guilty of doing this. People are always attracted to what they can’t have or what seems elusive. I have outgrown this stage however.

There are lots of women who are adorable because they become so endearing after you get to know them. Guys, too. My daughter is extremely attractive, and her boyfriend has nothing much going for him in the looks department. However, he’s a great boyfriend, and even took a poke in the nose from her ex-boyfriend, defending her. She thinks he’s the greatest guy ever.

I refuse to look like a creep or an asshole attempting to “chat up” someone when I lack the aptitude to do so. I prefer dignified loner status. Being nonsocial in the real world also guaranties to my lady that I’ll never cheat on her; no temptations.

@stranger_in_a_strange_land I can actually relate with everything you said above. I guess that’s why I only stick to women who show me interest. You sound a real lot like me. I thought I was a rare breed.

@Jabe73 My post was for @limabean , and I’m at an utter loss at how the response got misinterpreted by you. Please feel free to send me a PM if you would like to discuss. I don’t want to high-jack the thread.

Don’t talk to them at all, but wait for them to talk to you.

I’ve been waiting over 40 years for a few girls in particular, and I haven’t given up yet.