Why does it bother me that my friend took her husband's name?

You mind because you like her.
You shouldn’t mind because it’s her life (and her decisions), not yours.
Try to be happy for her and move on.

I was under the impression that 99.99% of women change their surname to their husband’s name when they get married. It’s so normal that tongues wag if a woman chooses to keep her original name. Do you live in a place where this tradition is reversed?

Anyway – to answer your question – a name is a very powerful thing and it’s natural for you to have a certain impression of a person based on their name. So when a name changes you have to re-adjust the very way you identify that person, and that’s never easy.

I recently changed my name – totally changed it – and a few people have said to me that it makes me “feel” somehow different.

I agree with @Allie. I think the majority of the problem is because you like her. I think her changing her name puts more of a “not going to happen” feel on your crush and you are trying to get over that.

Everyone I know that had gotten married has changed their name, so it is normal to me.

@downtide said what I was going to say, but wanted to add that if a woman was in a profession and was known by her given last name, then she usually didn’t take her husbands last name. I think you are overthinking this matter too much. If it is bothering you this bad, perhaps you should find another job so you don’t have to be near this woman and crushing after her. After all, you said this happened at least 3 months ago and you should be okay with it by now.

@chyna
She is in a profession where she is (was) known by her given last name. That’s the weird thing.

And my job (it’s at a non-profit) actually finishes at the end of this week (summer internship), but I’ve volunteered here for more than 2 years, and I’ve known her for more than half of that. I have so many other friends here, and I can’t just abandon it.

@downtide
I can understand your name change… you say that you’re transgender in your profile, and I respect your reasons for wanting to change your identity.

But I think that the main reason, apart from liking her, is that I did identify her by her last name, more so than my other friends.

Okay, you’re clearly angry about the whole marriage and not this – you’re just transferring.

It bothers you because it brands her as his.

She probably changed her name to recognize her new status (as his wife) and their new family. She wants to have the same last name as her children will have.

You need to get over this and over her. If you can’t stop obsessing, get some professional help.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir
I suppose that’s possible… the idea behind transference is that it’s supposed to be subconscious, right?

But I hung out with her and her husband for their picnic a couple of days ago, and I felt great about it. I felt like I was coming to terms with it. Her husband’s a super cool guy.

Wow, this sucks…

@Anon_Imus the reason for the name change, whether it’s marriage or a sex change or something else entirely, doesn’t really matter that much. I hope you won;t be offended by this, but I do think that your reaction to this is an indication of jealousy. As @marinelife says, it brands her as belonging to her husband, not to you.

@marinelife I was going to say the exact same thing. Naming something is a way to claim it and, like you said, own it. Think of all the places that had their own native names but are primarily known now by what their “discoverers” named them. Naming an animal makes it a pet. This woman taking her husband’s last name, even though it was her decision, has the same affect.

@Anon_Imus Try to get past your feelings and be a good friend. Be happy for your co-worker, and don’t let yourself dwell on her. Go out, meet new people, maybe get involved in something new to give yourself other things to focus on.

I’ve always been kind of bugged by anyone changing their name. Not just marriage, but things like changing the last name of a kid to reflect that of their step-parents.

Huh. I never thought I’d be a jealous lover… this is a bummer.

I’m sorry, but I’m asking myself the same question that you’re asking us. Why do you give a shit? It’s just a name. It’s not who she is. She got married, she’s now apart of a family, she took her husband’s name as is customary for many, many married couples. It’s a technicality. She hasn’t changed. She’s not “trying” to change. You’re throwing out all these lame excuses like, “Oh, but it’s so inconvenient for her!” “You know, I don’t like the way it sounds!” Guess what? It’s not up to you. It’s not your choice. Nothing you say or do will change this. It’s baffling to me that out of all the things to be upset about, you focus on her last name. You just come off as whiny and ridiculous. If you’re mature enough to accept her marriage and respect her husband, then you should be mature enough to get over this absurd fixation.

It baffles me, too. I’m more upset than anyone about this. I realize that every reason I gave is completely selfish on my part.

I’ve had my share of absurd fixations, but this is just silly.

@Anon_Imus Well, I’m glad you at least realize that it’s silly. I’m sure with time it won’t bother you.

Wow. So she did what the majority of women in the US do when they marry and you’re angry…why again? If you go to their house are you going to freak out if they have monogrammed towels? What if she gets a personalized license plate mixing letters of both their names?
You already understand that you are not able to support yourself, much less maintain a household. Why not just start a list of things that you look forward to doing with a woman who will be your wife at some point? Look forward to having a woman take your name. Look forward to bringing home flowers or sex in the shower until the hot runs out.
Forget about this girl. She is not yours, and is conducting herself completely within the bounds set by our society.

Take your anger and channel it to something constructive.

And I’ll give the same answer I gave on your original question: I don’t understand why it bothers you so much. It’s a very normal thing to do. In this day and age, it’s pretty much a given that a woman takes her husband’s name, no matter who she is or what she does. What confuses some people is when the woman DOESN’T change her name. I have no idea why it confuses you and bothers you so much, even if you ARE jealous of her husband.

You really need to let go of this fixation you have on an unattainable woman. It’s unhealthy.

A few weeks ago I asked the question of fluther as to whether I should change my name to my husband’s when we got married. I decided to change it. I feel that in the long run it will make things a lot easier. Almost everything about our wedding was non-traditional so I guarantee you it had nothing to do with tradition. It was just to make things a lot easier with issues such as getting on his health insurance and to discourage any confusion when we have kids. Perhaps her reasons were similar.

Jealousy towards the man she chose to be so intimate with and committed to and the feeling of betrayal by her in not informing you of this all ahead of the marriage outcome.

You might feel the two of you are mutual reciprocal friends instead of acquaintances, feel entitled to have known more about her personal life and she might feel you’re more of acquaintances. Let her be.

As the others have said, you’re upset because you had a crush on her. In changing her name, she took the final step towards him and away from all other possibilities (i.e., you). You will feel terrible for quite some time (I know, because I just found out that the love of my life is married, and it hurts like h-ll!). The fact of the matter is that you must find someone else to love; she is no longer available. But you are young and, though it may pain you to hear this now, you will have other chances.