Well, @lynneblundell, you’ve been watching my journey over the last three years. You could do worse than listen to @GoldieAV16. She told me many of the same things she told you, and I found they were the only things that worked for me (thank Goldie :-). But other things may work for you, of course.
I am struck by the language of your question. You want to “reinvent” yourself? Wow! That kind of blows me away. I don’t even know what it means, but it sounds like you want to be a different person.
You are who you are, I think. You can’t escape that. That’s why @GoldieAV16 suggests that accepting yourself is the first step. For me, that acceptance wasn’t so much acceptance as resignation. Yup. That’s me. Not much I can do about that.
Later on, I got sick of fighting those self-destructive, self-hating views of myself. It was really weird. When I finally gave up trying to change my own thoughts, and I just accepted my view that I was a piece of crap—this burden I didn’t even know I carried started to life.
It is hard to fight yourself 24 hours a day. When you stop, even though it sounds like you are giving in to this negative view, something odd happens. Without all that energy involved in fighting yourself (or your view of yourself), the burden drops and suddenly you bounce up a bit. And then when you bounce up, you feel better and have more energy, and that helps you move up a bit more.
Just accept your view of yourself as being a part of you. I am not saying this view is a true view or a false view. Just that it takes a lot of energy to maintain that view, and that is energy you can ill afford to give away (although if giving it away is what you are doing, that’s cool, too).
It’s about stopping that internal roundabout of thoughts about who you should be and how you can make yourself into that person. Fuck it! You are who you are, and if being negative is a part of who you are, then so be it. It’s ok. Really. It’s ok.
That was a big victory for me. I used to buy into this idea that I needed positive thinking in order to bring myself up. It was utterly frustrating and self-defeating to think that. I couldn’t think positively (because that’s not who I am), and in failing, I beat myself up for failing to be positive. I got worse.
In decided that I am negative, and in not fighting that negativity, I relaxed into myself and, oddly, became more positive (but never fully positive—no no no—not that!)
Anyway, accepting I was negative and worthless and a whole lot of other things was such a relief! I could feel those feelings without trying to fight them, but in not fighting them, they lost their power. They could only exist when I fought them. If I take a deep breath, and let them flow past that dam I was trying to maintain, you know what happens? They flow. Down the stream. Around the bend. Out of sight. Out of mind.
It doesn’t happen easily or quickly, but it’s a start. I started learning how to breath again. When you are all anxious and fighting, your breath shortens up. You only take short shallow breaths and you tense up your shoulders and your chest and wow! Letting your breath fully out and taking it fully in, and doing this in a long—slow rhythm—really helps. Listen to music, or better yet, buy yourself a harmonica and just breath through the harmonica, and you can not help but to leave your mind and all it’s frantic thinking to go somewhere else where none of that is relevant.
You know it’s a process. You’ve been through it before—or such is my impression. The meds help—and getting the right ones help even more. Finding a support group of other people like you, and meeting with them regularly just to talk about what it’s like is also really helpful.
I’m not going to insult you by telling you that you are fine as you are. I’m just saying that you are who you are, and there is nothing you can do about it. So you might as well give up fighting on that front. Put your energy into something helpful—something you want to do or something that makes you healthier. Let your feelings about yourself float away on that broad river that flows through you. You have better things to do.