@hawaii_jake has given you some excellent advice. Support groups play an important role not just for those of us with the disorder, but for those who love us. In my group. caregivers are totally welcome. We can learn a lot from each other.
@MissA I had been engaging in a lot of behaviors I didn’t understand for almost six months. I got involved in a series of relationships online. These relationships might last a month, and they would go to extraordinary highs to devastating lows in weeks. I did this over and over, constantly looking for someone who would fix me and who I could fix in return.
I wrote about this a lot—well, not always so directly, but everyone on Askville who read me very much could tell something was wrong.
Eventually, I told my wife what I was doing, and that I wasn’t at all sure I wanted to be with her any more (although I said that she shouldn’t want to be with me). I felt awful about myself for what I had been doing, and even though I had been trying to feel better, it only had made me feel worse. And worse. And suicidal.
My wife, shocked as she was, was more concerned about my health. I, too was concerned about my health because none of this was any fun any more, and the pain was becoming unendurable, or so it seemed. Things would get worse.
Anyway, my wife had me make an appointment with a psychiatrist, and when I couldn’t be seen for two months, she talked to a therapist friend who managed to get someone to see me after the weekend. Over the weekend, I researched myself, and I saw that the pattern of behavior for bipolar people was pretty similar to mine—and so I was pretty sure that when I told my story to the shrink, that would be the diagnosis.
When I got my prescription, I was more relieved than anything else. I wanted to get well because I was close to killing myself. Not as close as some, but closer than I wanted to be. I didn’t want to die, but living was too hellish to endure.
I have never missed a med on purpose. I have done all my changes with the supervision of my shrink. I have always been a good patient and I have tried to do everything people suggested. Some of it didn’t work, but some did. That’s about par for the course.
I was lucky in that the side effects of my meds weren’t that bad. Bad side effects are the major reason why people stop taking meds. The problem is that treating bipolar is more an art than a science. That is, we know there are a lot of meds that can help, but we don’t know which ones will help any one individual. I have friends who have been through a dozen meds and still don’t have something that works that they can tolerate.
The same is true for therapists and groups. Sometimes you have to try several therapists or groups before you find one that works for you. I was lucky. My meds all helped (although he had to add two more to the first before we got an effective combination. I got the right therapist the first time, and the right group the first time. That’s unusual.
It helped me that I was 51 when I was diagnosed. That’s unusual. Very unusual. But it meant that I had a lot of knowledge and understanding that most people don’t have at the age of 16 or 20 or whenever most people get diagnosed. I had a lot of skills that helped me manage my illness, and I had a wife who provided an enormous amount of assistance. It was one of the major things that made me realize she did love me, after all.
Other friends helped me, too, but they were all new friends. None of my friends from before was there for me. They all thought I wanted to be away from them and not a one called to check on me. Weird. I am trying to get back together with them now, but it’s hard because I’m different and it’s hard to get that across to them when they weren’t traveling this road with me.
So I wanted help. It was easy to accept some help, although it was harder to accept my wife’s help because I didn’t deserve it. And that’s not just low self-esteem talking. I did things to her no one should have done to them. It’s amazing that she wanted to stick with me, even so. Although she is not blameless in this, either.
The thing is that we are all imperfect beings and no one ever has all the right on their side. If we are able to believe this and be a bit more forgiving, well, more reconciliation is possible. This disorder damages more than the person who has it. It takes loving and forgiving people to be willing to work through that damage. Not everyone can do it. Not everyone should do it. But from the point of view of someone who has been sick, I wish everyone would stick it out for all of us who are sick. It really means so much.