“Traditionally, God is described as being all-loving, all-knowing, and all-powerful. I sometimes wonder why God having or not having these attributes seems important to people when it comes to discussing Divinity.”
Hmmm. You and I evidently did not read the same book. I recently found myself on a 3,500 mile solo voyage from Barbados to Ascension Island and, although I had plenty of other things to read, I realized that if I was ever going to crack that book and finish it from cover to cover, this was my opportunity. So I went at it. I approached the Bible as the single most important document in Western culture, not as history or teachings written by men whose hands were guided by a Supreme Being.
Genesis was familiar ground, so I scanned through that one, looking for some point or meaning I may have missed. Exodus, the story of Moses and the Israelite people fleeing Egypt was familiar as well, but I’d never actually read it. The devil is in the most interesting details, like when the Pharoh ordered the death of all the newborns, he initially asked the midwives to kill them. To their credit, they refused. Fine Egyptian ladies all. Things like that makes this story interesting. And how stubborn the Pharoh was about letting this slave workforce go—it took ten curses in the form of drought, plague, locusts, etc., etc., before finally his own people were sending the Israelites off and giving them gold and jewels as incentives.
But this God. Oh my God, this God. If this guy ever came to me and said that I was one of his chosen ones, I’d run like hell. This guy acted like a mean drunk father from hell. Mean. In the beginning, he wasn’t so bad. He’s probably just started drinking when he first came up with the idea to save “His” people from the Egyptians. He was in his manic phase. It probably hadn’t taken a toll on his mind yet. That can take a couple of years. There were some red flags, though. Even before the Red Sea thing, he had called Mo on the carpet because the people had begun doubting this God’s powers when the Pharoh wouldn’t bend. Moses reminded God during one of these scoldings that never wanted the fucking job, wanted to know why god picked him, he wasn’t qualified, etc., etc., and even asked God to please just kill him and put him out of his misery. I thought this was an hilarious scene. “Just kill me now, man. These people are impossible!” But God relents, and the story goes on.
First, he convinces Moses to lead his “chosen” out of Egypt to save them from lives of slavery and into the “Promised Land.” By performing increasingly powerful acts, mostly in the aforementioned curses on the Pharoh and his people, he convinces Moses that he will always support Moses and his peeps. Then came the parting of the Red Sea, The best of the Egyptian soldiery are wiped out when the sea closes in on them, then the manna when they ran out of food. Then water out of a rock. Good stuff. Every time these people would start to complain of the conditions, God came up with something to take the pressure off Moses. So far, so good.
Well, this lasts for about a year until they reach Mt. Sinai and he starts laying down the law—number one and the most important one is that these people are to not ever, ever, ever, ever praise any other gods. Big no no. Then came other rules support earthly authority, like not fighting with one’s parents, etc. Then came stuff that just makes sense if you want a stable society like no stealing, no murdering, and no messing with another man’s wife. You couldn’t even “covet” her, which means don’t even think about it.
And don’t covet another guy’s things either. Pretty basic. You really can’t have a lot of that if you want a decent society in which to raise children and if everybody can’t be standing by their tent all day guarding their shit when they need to be hunting for water, or food, or fighting the Amonites, or Hittites, or just the whole uncircumcised world in general.
Anyway, one of the first things these people do is make this calf out of gold and start up with the idolizing. They must have been awfully bored. It’s not what I would do if I was stuck at the foot of the Mountain eating flakes of bread off the ground every morning, but who am I. The people and their calf pisses God off. He calls Moses to the mountain top and rages at him. God says that the whole deal is off now, every one of these ungrateful, unfaithful, un-everything people have to die now. The worthless little bastards have to go.
And here is where Moses finds his niche. He becomes the intercessor. The good wife of the madman drunk who wants to beat all the kids every night when he comes home blotto from a hard evening lifting libation at the tavern after work. Moses mollifies God, tells him, “Hey, you really don’t want to do that, God. I mean, what’s the Pharoh going to think? Here you bless these people as your chosen ones, only to lead them into the desert and slaughter them. Doesn’t make a lot of sense, does it?”
And God agrees. He backs down. (I was laughing my ass off by this time. It’s a bloody tragi-comedy.) Gods decides he’s not going to kill them all, just a few thousand. And for the rest, they get to wander in the desert for the next forty years eating manna every morning and sometimes, when God is in the mood, maybe some quail for meat. The generation Israelites he took out of Egypt, except for Caleb would never get to enter the Promised Land because of the golden calf deal. Not even Moses himself.
Moses had to be disappointed, taking all this shit for nothing. Except one thing. Moses had to intercede time and time again when the people, over the next forty years screwed up with praising new Gods, messing with the uncircumcised, and even complaining about the life-saving manna. God seemed eternally pissed at these people and over and over again threatened to kill them off. And if it wasn’t for Moses, he would have. Moses’ most important job was talking this mean old drunk down from his rage and convincing him that they were worthy of forgiveness. This goes on and on and on right through the Pentateuch, into Samuel, Judges, KIngs… This guy, this God, favors special people, makes them leaders, and invariably finds a reason to not only fuck them in the end, but the next ten generations of their family line.
Saul really screwed up. Here’s a guy that obviously suffered major bouts of clinical depression, but was a good soldier, good leader of his people for awhile, but in the end he and his whole family got it, too.
Even David couldn’t get out of life unscathed. He did some suffering at the hands of this God after a lifetime of soldiering and good leadership. Solomon was the only one who seemed to escape the wrath of this old bastard.
There was this one scene, when the Ammorite king, Og, suddenly finds out that there are 650,000 seasoned Israelite soldiers on his border and freaks out. All they want is to pass through on their way to the promised land. Og says no way, you people will strip my land of crops and livestock as you move through, so go around. The Israelites promise not to do any of that, but Og doesn’t buy it. He figures these people want to invade and take his kingdom, so he sends for an oracle to come and have God bless him and curse the Israelites in order to assure Og victrory in the impending war.
So Og’s emissaries travel some distance to this oracle’s house and tell him Og wants him to come and bless his army. The oracle needs to consult with God first, and God says no. The Israelites were his people whom brought out of Egypt and they were the blessed and Og was cursed. Them emissaries report this back to Og and Og tells them to get their asses back to the oracle and tell him that Og will give the oracle houses full of gold and silver if he’ll come and bless the army.
The oracle must’ve been tempted by this, because he checked back with God a second time to see if he could bless Og’s army (I didn’t know you could do this. I figured God, being a perfect being, his word would be final. But what do I know.)
Anyway, this time God changes his mind and tells the oracle that he can go, but he must say exactly what God tells him to say when he gets to Og. Happy about the prospect of obtaining houses full of gold and silver, I’m sure, the oracle sets out with the emissaries to O’s place. But halfway there, this angel from God blocks the way and threatens to kill the oracle if he doesn’t turn back! WTF? So, there’s this whole talking donkey scene and the oracle somehow escapes the angel, and goes on his way only to have God tell Og that, no way, the Israelites are going to kick your ass. And they do.
This was when I seriously began thinking that this whole thing, this story, was about a freaking alcoholic prick. God, in actuality, was some drunken bastard who lived alone and came home from work every night shitfaced to his computer and booted up some kind of Second Life type thing and just took out all his frustrations by fucking with these people in the program. In the Og incident, the guy was so loaded the night before that the next day he’d forgotten he’d given permission to the oracle to go to Og. The behaviour is that of a serious substance abuser.
God does this over and over in the OT. Then there is this new covenant. He softens up a little, sends his son down into the program to announce the kinder, nicer deal for man. God would be more understanding, more forgiving. He wanted to set a good example for his followers. Not every sin would be punishable by death.
It’s just as if this mean old drunken bastard had found AA and decided to turn over a new leaf.