I’m Wiccan, have been since… oh, I dunno, maybe age 19 or so? When I was first practicing, it all made so much sense to me, I’d tapped into what you’re supposed to tap into, I worked magick successfully, explored the limits of my consciousness, basically I was a practicing Witch and felt very secure in my beliefs. I was also able to find comfort in the Divine when in emotional straits.
In my early 20’s, I was in a deeply abusive relationship that over the course of time, slowly stripped from me pretty much everything I held dear in terms of beliefs, practices, and who I am. It was really, really hard to pick up the pieces of myself after that, much less find the motivation to get back into religion. Then it kind of snowballed, I kept trying to get myself back and get to the point where I started practicing again, but you know, life happens and I found myself needing to focus more on survival and sorting things out.
Fast-forward to now… I feel much less secure in what I once believed. On good days, I’m Wiccan (I guess you would categorize me as a monotheist, but my beliefs about that are different than, say, Christianity). On bad days, I’m a scientist and I’m convinced that when you die, that’s it.. you go into the ground and decay and re-enter the ecosystem as a scattering of molecules. On bad days, I see very clearly how silly religion is, basically stepping outside of the human experience and observing it in a dry, unbiased, observational manner (worshiping some old dude in the sky and creating a bunch of arbitrary rules and behaviors). Yeah, I have a bit of a dark side, I admit.
THEN, though.. there are the GREAT days that make life worth living, that make me kick the dour, grumpy, bitter scientist back into hiding. I live for those moments where I feel, without a doubt, the touch of the Divine. It’s hard to describe, but in those moments, I feel raised slightly above human experience, put in touch with something greater. Things seem clearer, whether it’s feeling certain there is something more than randomness and natural selection at work, or that we’re all connected, or that if I have faith and live my life with purpose and goodness, everything will be okay. Those are the times where I’m struck by the sheer beauty of something and it’s almost too much to bear. Or those perfect moments made perfect by something mysterious.. perhaps I’ve done something similar before, but this time, everything feels pristine and perfect and like everything in the universe came together to make that time special.
In these moments, I am filled with limitless joy. My heart leaps and bursts, I feel the beauty of everything flow through me. And that, as I know it, is the hand of the Divine.