What's the best joke you've heard in a while?

No dirty jokes?

Okay… what’s the difference between an Aston Martin and a pile of dead babies?

I don’t have an Aston Martin in my garage!

This guy who is on vacation calls home to check on his beloved cat. His brother who is taking care of the cat tells him the cat is dead. The first guy is devastated and asks his brother if he could have broken the news a bit better. “You could have told me the cat was lost and you are looking for it” he says “or that the cat is stuck on the roof and you are trying to get it down, or that it has been sleeping a lot.” The brother apologizes and the conversation continues. “How’s Mom?” asks the vacationer. “She’s stuck on the roof” answers the brother.

A wealthy woman is hosting a dinner party at her house that evening, and in the morning goes for a walk on her expansive property. She runs across some mushrooms, and being fairly sure that they are not of the poisonous type, picks them to go with the meal that evening. Just to make sure, she gives one to her dog, who gobbles it up.

The dog shows no signs of illness throughout the day, so the cook is instructed to include them with the meal. During the dinner, she tells the guests the story. During dessert, the butler enters the room and loudly whispers, “Madam, I hate to tell you this, but your beloved dog is dead.” The guests panic and rush to the emergency room to have their stomachs pumped.

The woman is crying over what she has done when the butler re-enters the dining room. “Madam, the truck driver would like to talk to you.” “What truck driver?” she responds. “The one that ran over your dog.”

Glenn Beck at the Lincoln Memorial.

So a man walks into a bar with a monkey, I forgot the rest of the joke but your mom’s a whore.

http://img.chan4chan.com/img/2009-04-05/1238925759295.jpg

A group of friars is running a Catholic school, and one day realize that their budget hasn’t left them with enough money for all the books they need. After discussing the problem for awhile, they decide to open up a florist shop. It works wonderfully. The location is great, and the business thrives, because people believe that they are raising the money for a good cause. Only problem is, their shop is right near an already-existing florist, who isn’t so happy about losing money. So the disgruntled florist hires the town tough guy, Hugh. Hugh sends the friars a few notes, then has a little “chat” with them. By the week’s end, the friars are gone, thus proving the old adage:

Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

@hobbitsubculture – That was fantastic!! :D

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

@Seek_Kolinahr

What’s worse than 10 dead babies in a trashcan?

1 dead baby in 10 trashcans.

too far?

I haven’t heard any clean jokes lately.

Lawyer:
Did you have sex with him when you were in New York?
Witness:
I refuse to answer that question.
Lawyer:
Did you have sex with him when you were in Chicago?
Witness:
I refuse to answer that question.
Lawyer:
Did you have sex with him when you were in Miami?
Witness:
No.

Have you guys seen the new pirate movie?
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It’s rated AAAAARRRRRRRRR.

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants and orders a drink. The bartender looks at him, unable to hide his curiosity. Finally he says to the pirate, You know you have a steering wheel in your pants?

The pirate replies, Aaaaaaaarrrrrr, it’s drivin’ me nuts!

“Honey,” said this husband to his wife, “I invited a friend home for supper.”

“What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven’t been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking a fancy meal!”

“I know all that.”

“Then why did you invite a friend for supper?”

“Because the poor fool’s thinking about getting married.”

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible!”

“What do you mean?” the pirate replies, “I’m fine.”

The bartender says, “But what about that wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”

“Well,” says the pirate, “We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg, but the surgeon fixed me up, and I’m fine, really.”

“Yeah,” says the bartender, “But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands.”

“Well,” says the pirate, “We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off, but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really.”

“Oh,” says the bartender, “What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes.”

“Well,” says the pirate, “One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them pooped in my eye.”

“So?” replied the bartender, “What happened? You couldn’t have lost an eye just from some bird poop!”

“Well,” says the pirate, “I really wasn’t used to the hook yet.”

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I like pirates.

@MissAnthrope Pirate jokes for the win.

The blind and the def playing in a band for the first time. The blind asks: – Are they dancing already?
The def says: – Why? Are we playing?

I heard one today that made me chuckle:

A new trainee starts at a company and phones the kitchen department and says “bring me some coffee quickly”.
The person on the other end of the line says: You have the wrong extension you fool, do you know who you’re talking to?!”
The trainee says: No…
The other person says: “I’m the CEO of the company!”
The trainee says: Well do you know who you’re talking to you fool?!”
CEO says: No.
Trainee: “Good” And puts down the phone.

Hehe.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on your porch?
Matt.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs swimming?
Bob.