Which is worse - insult or breach of privacy?

“Snotty” does not seem like the worse thing the daughter has been or will be called in her lifetime. Friendships are so hard to find, especially long term ones I think, to ease the whole situation, the Person A should apologize for calling the daughter snotty and hope to reconcile the friendship.

How did Person B read Person A’s email if she doesn’t know her? Just trying to understand.??

I can see why both of them are upset. I’d want to know how someone else got into my e-mail account to read my e-mails. I’d be upset if someone was saying mean things about my son, but I’d be more upset knowing that someone was reading my e-mails without my permission.

Both of them should apologize, in my opinion, if they want to continue the friendship.

Both people have made an error here. Everyday as humans we make mistakes, its how we handle them that sets us apart. Good friendships take work, just like any other relationship. I suggest that they talk to one another, admit their wrongs and the way the they hurt each other and move on from there. They will have to work on the trust again, but a solid friendship is worth the tome and effort.

I don’t think that one is more at fault than the other. As @mamalis brings up, I would be more upset at Person C (the recipient of the email). Everyone says nasty things behind everyone else’s back. If Person A admits that they shouldn’t have said it, it was just the way they felt at the time, and it could have been handled better, Person B should accept that as sincere and apologize for reading private correspondence.

@iamthemob Why would you be upset with the person that the e-mail was sent to (the old friend)? Are you assuming that person showed the e-mail to Person B? I was thinking Person B just found a way to access Person A’s e-mail without their permission (since the old friend does not know Person B).

If Person A has a reasonable expectation of privacy then Person B is more wrong. There is a very important lesson here for everyone – don’t snoop, you might not like what you find!

This happened to a friend of mine. Friend A wrote to Friend B about Friend C. It had been years since any of them had spoken to one another and Friend A wanted to clear the air about their relationship with Friend C. Later, Friend C accessed the messages via Friend A’s account, read through them, and then complained to me about what Friends A and B had written.

Friend C did not understand why that breach of privacy was more upsetting over what had supposedly been written about them in the e-mail (upon later discussion, Friend A informed me that the majority of what had been related to me was blown out of proportion, entirely misunderstood, and/or projected by Friend C’s insecurities.)

For a variety of reasons, not least of which was the breach of privacy, I ceased contact with Friend C. The way they handled the situation caused all the negative aspects of their personality to surface.

Insults are petty, but breach of privacy is a breach of trust. When friends break my trust, it is highly unlikely that they will ever gain it back. That’s just how I am.

@mamalis Supacase meant that the person person A wrote the email to doesn’t know person b

Maybe both of you was in the wrong, but the breach of privacy seems worse to me.

Ahh. Thank you @Mom2BDec2010! :) Honestly, I was lost. Had bad math problem flashbacks. But I would agree! Though a round of apologies is likely in order.

@Seaofclouds – I’ll rephrase as “might be” more upset. Unless it was done without their knowing, Person C doesn’t really have any right to let Person B see the email in a vacuum – letting that information out without letting Person A know what’s up really just shows someone who’s trying to make drama.

There may be some acceptable circumstances, true – but really, if you want to be completely clean, Person C needs to have a good reason to get involved because their actions may be the only intentional ones in the mix.

Mostly the breach of privacy IMO. People have opinions about other people, which some may not like, but so it is. Plenty of things could be said about people behind their backs, not necessarily with the intent of it being gossip, but because they are just giving an honest opinion about what they think of someone – just because it’s not a positive opinion doesn’t necessarily make it a bad thing- everything someone says about you is not always going to be positive. So, the breach of privacy was a deliberate action to invade someone’s privacy (i’m guessing), however the snotty comment was made in privacy with no deliberate intent on causing trouble.

It’s dependent on the person. Some will feel more upset by insults being directed at them behind their back and others by people breaching their privacy, alongside this there are other variables such as the severity of the insults/breach, the sensitivity of those involved etc. What matters is that both acts are disrespectful and both parties are entitled to feel upset over the issue. My suggestion would be for both to accept that they’ve done wrong and apologise.

@iamthemob If Person C doesn’t even know Person B, how would they have let them read the e-mail.

Person C (recipient of email) had nothing to do with this. Person B accessed A’s email account without permission. Still not entirely sure how.

@Seaofclouds – I wasn’t assuming anything about Person C. I just thought that we didn’t have enough information about them.

@Supacase – Thank you for providing that missing information. :-). Person C is without fault, and in this case I would place greater blame on Person B…they have to admit wrongdoing first, or else they’re SOL from a moral standpoint.

After that, though, Person A still has to apologize and explain. Person B should recognize that and accept it. If they choose not to…well…it’s about time to cut Person B and their snotty daughter out of the picture (to be blunt – take that statement with a grain of salt considering that I don’t know enough about your history and whether this is possible).

I think a few apologies are in order. Accessing another person’s email account is completely out of line. There’s clearly underlying trust issues within the friendship for that to happen. I think if the friendship is to be lasting/meaningful then that needs to be addressed.
As for the comment, if the person is hurt/upset, then an apology is due in my opinion.

That puts a different perspective on it, if Person B is accessing Person A’s email without permission. This whole friendship doesn’t sound healthy. Person B needs to apologize about snooping, disclose how she was able to access the email account and Person A needs to apologize for saying rude things. Then I suggest they part ways.

If Person B accessed Person A’s email without permission, Person A is rude, nosy, and snotty him/herself. Now I understand why Person A would have a snotty child!

The person who snooped is in the wrong.

The person who had an opinion and happened to share it didn’t do anything wrong. The person who stuck their nose where it didn’t belong and got butthurt by what they found, did. Invader has no right to be upset with invaded. Invaded should find better people to associate with.

There’s a saying, “eavesdroppers never hear well of themselves” that extends to snoopers as well. On the other hand, there are terms that fall under the category of “thems is fightin’ words,” and perhaps snotty is one of them. When deriding someone, perhaps doing it an constructive way would better in the future. One could explain “snotty” in terms of exactly what encounters with the daughter have been like for the original writer to reach that conclusion. Hopefully, the use of “snotty” wasn’t based upon relaying gossip about other people’s opinions.

I think breach of privacy is worse.

Insults only hurt when the insulted person takes them personally and on some level believes the insults might be true.

Regardless of who is able to claim the higher percentage of wrongdoing…I don’t see how they would ever truly trust each other again. If anything is to be salvaged, I believe it lies in public politeness.

Update: Person A has apologized twice and has not brought up the reading of her email. However, discussions with her IT husband are leading her to believe the ability for Person B to be able to read the email was a malicious act rather than random incident due to the nature of the occurrence. Too many specific coincidences were required to make it happen.

Person B has sent an email telling Person A she was cruelly harsh and said horrible things; however she wants to continue the friendship but she will be guarded. No apologies have been made regarding the reading of the email.

This is quite the spectacle to watch play out in real life, especially knowing both of them. I have my suspicions about what is really going on and I have a good hunch about what the end result will be.

@Supacase

Thanks for the update! I’m sorry to say that I would have to respond by stating that I would be glad to continue the friendship, but that Person B needs to admit her wrongdoing and that Person A has as much reason to be as guarded as she does (in as nice a way as possible). If Person B can’t do that, she’s not worth having in Person A’s circle of friends.

Of course, the other and more subtle option is to simply respond OK and then not contact Person B again, and not engage in social activity with her until she apologizes. I am fairly certain that if she’s as self-righteous as she seems, she’ll wait for Person A to make the first move. Therefore, the friendship will just die a slow, quite and natural death, and the drama is over.

Breach of privacy is worse. The effect may not be reversible.
Insult can be rectified by an act of contrition.