Have you ever wondered which hurts most: saying something and wishing you hadn't, or saying nothing, and wishing you had?

I’d rather regret things I have done than not doing things I should have done

For me it’s wishing I had said something and didn’t. The worst feeling is wondering “what if”. I leap towards things and takes risks as often as I can.

“In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.”

I rarely regret saying something. I have regretted saying nothing.

Usually, I regret saying/doing something I shouldn’t have. As careful as I am, I’ve lost friendships that would have lasted otherwise. With most things, I’ll have more than one opportunity, so I don’t usually regret saying nothing.

Although, I do wish I could have said something to my friend that would have stopped him from taking his own life.

I’ve never had the latter problem but certainly have had issues with the former – I stand by saying that it’s better to say something and wish you hadn’t than not say something you wish you had – because it’s always a bigger deal, that which you can’t utter and is therefore more important.

Very inspirational question. I keep my mouth shut in way too many situations and wish I had said something but the moment has already passed. Regrets hang heavy.
New lease starting today: Say things I think and mean and stop keeping everything to myself.

I think @muppetish (and the quote) put it perfectly. You may briefly recall years later saying something you wished you hadn’t and wince a bit (I know I have), but chance are, the person you said it to has probably forgotten. But the thing we don’t say and wish we had, ah, the memory of that we and we alone carry forever.

I would imagine that saying someone and wishing you hadn’t would hurt the most. What if you said something out of anger to someone you love…you can never take it back and it can ruin a relationship forever.
However it would depend on the circumstances, i’m sure there are those that exist that would make me feel worse for not saying something and then wishing i should have. Usually one can still always say what needs to be said some time after, but saying something nasty can never be changed. I don’t think i’ve experienced not saying something and wishing i had, and had to suffer hurtful consequences as a result.

For me it does hurt most to say something and wish I had not. I can dissect and analyze and beat myself up over and over again; why didn’t I just keep my big mouth shut? I do feel empowered for some reason if I can say nothing yet appear to be supportive or compassionate. This empowerment in the face of silence comes after many years of always giving my two cents of my knowing everyone was waiting to hear what I thought, what I believed. Interestingly enough silence can be quite memorable.

I think it’s not saying something you should have. If you say something that you regret, you can always rephrase, explain, apologize. If you’re a big enough person, you can agree that you’re proven wrong. But conversation is always necessary. Silence is, in my opinion, the most oppressive force.

both???

Both. I question my actions in either scenario.

I’m not sure that “hurt” is the proper unit of measurement for these situations. We do what we do, and not what we didn’t do. It’s a silly tautology, but I think it’s something that people often forget. We act as if we could have “do-overs.”

For me the issue is what I take away or what I learn from the regret (whether it’s regret about something I did or regret about something I didn’t do). Pain, of course, is the cause of much learning, so hurt is easily seen as the best unit of measurement.

I prefer to look at it as what did I learn? Not how much did I learn, but what did I learn. Learnings are different, each one from the other, and there really is no useful comparison. There is really no useful comparison between learning from shouldn’t have dones and should have dones. What’s most interesting to me is what was learned. Period.

I think it is always better to say something than nothing at all.
You can always apologise for what you have said, but a silence leaves others to interpret what you are thinking, or perhaps think you don’t care.

@wundayatta

I think that’s an interesting point – what about qualifying it as “harm”?

For instance, I think being silent can cause more harm because people who hear something that you find objectionable could accept the viewpoint, and therefore harm from silence can increase exponentially.

Both….God I hate it! I’ve regret soo much on what I’ve said to people including To Amber. It was nothing hurtful to her just that I shouldn’t have said it in the first place. I wish I didn’t ask her out…But I wish I could do it the other way around too I guess, they both have their bad sides to it.

Probably equal.

You can redeem yourself from saying something you regret. It can be forgiven.

“What if” is the worst feeling. You will never, ever know the answer

@ParaParaYukiko from experience, nothing you could have said would have made a difference there, my friend. Some things are beyond the realms of reason.

The few times I have not spoken when I should, I have been able to do something about that again, and have made the point of somehow putting it right if it was truly important. The many times I have spoken words I shouldn’t have, cannot be taken back. I am truly sorry for the times where this has caused hurt to others, and have felt deep pain myself at the realisation.

Whilst life is too short for regrets in terms of taking chances and decisions made, there are things I regret saying and hurt I regret causing, and I’m okay with that. It is harder to undo things said, than to create another opportunity to say the right thing. It’s having the balls to do either, and to hold yourself accountable for the outcomes of your deeds.

Saying something and wishing you hadn’t. You can never take back what you’ve already said.

In my case it’s saying nothing and wishing I had.

for me it is definitely the things that i did not say that torment me to the greatest extent and for the rest of my life. Wondering if that one thing could have saved a relationship, or if it could have ended it sooner or more civilly. Wondering if you had told someone that they were a good friend of yours and that you’d always be there for them if they needed you, particularly if that friend is no longer with us today…...so definitely the words unsaid scar the deepest.

For me it was not saying something and wishing I had. I think if I had said something, we wouldn’t be where we are.

I’ve often regretted saying things because my opinions have a tendency at times to make people fall out with me…So I tend to keep my mouth shut. However this has the wonderful effect of internalising all your emotions which makes me feel rotten. I wish I could say some of the things I feel.