Why does my daughter do this and should it hurt my feelings? (details inside)

Have you tried asking her why? She may not be aware of being such or you may find out why she behaves such. You two can move forward from there.

Because she is self absorbed and no one ever called her out on it. Talk to her and tell her how you feel. If you can’t tell her, who can?

@liminal I thought about saying that if I asked her she’d get defensive and very irritated with me , and accuse me of insulting her or something. It isn’t worth it; I don’t want her mad at me. She has a lot of responsibilities and doesn’t need me ragging on her.

I am pretty sure she’d deny being this way and I can’t prove it. It would upset her, I know it would and she’d say she has to hang up.
Hey; maybe she doesn’t care about me or my life! I just thought of that!

I could be wrong, but maybe it’s because you’re her mom. It may be that she thinks of you as someone who has always been interested in her, but she never had to reciprocate that interest. As children, we are self-centered by nature and it may be that she never moved out of that stage. Do the two of you interact more as parent and child or as two adults? She may not even realize that she’s hurting your feelings.

Although I will say that when she turns the conversation back to herself, well, that strikes me as downright rude. Is she like this in person? Is she like this with other people as far as you may have been able to observe?

Should is not really applicable when it comes to feelings. Do you or don’t you? There is no should.

In my experience, most children, regardless of age, don’t see their parents as people. You exist as a role, not a person. When she talks to you she needs you to be her mommy. Or, she could just be that self-absorbed.

@tinyfaery GA. I’m not really a person; just her mom. Never thought of it like that. And no , she is not like that with her friends. Just the opposite!!

@Aster Hopefully you have others to talk to besides her. But, if you really need her to listen to you, you might want to think about simply asking her to listen. For example, “Honey, I have something to tell you, do you have time to listen?” To be blunt though, it might be hard for her to listen to her mom and she might not be able to get beyond it.

Well, she may just not find your life that exciting or interesting. not saying that it is not, just that from her point of view it may not be.

For example, i like computers, chess, philisophy, debates, movies, and video games. my mother can not relate to that at all. she is interested in gossip, family, tv soaps, poker and other things.

If my mother starts a conversation with me, i will listen to what she has to say, and comment on it too if i have anything to add. but after that, if i want to keep the conversation going i have to turn the subject to one of my interests. it is simply impossible for me to raise a topic that is in her field of interest. i do try and make the conversation flow, ill pick up on something she said and find a way to link that to something in my interests, but it is hard.

Its hard, here is a person who you love, who gave you life, yet they dont have anything in common with your interests. this is probably more likely to be happening in your case than you may think, children often imitate their parents until a certain age, then do all they can do become different.

with my grandmother i have the same problem, but even more so. we are just too different, she is a right wing racist who would bring back the death penalty for everything, and im the other side of the coin.

True, she most definitely finds my life very , very boring but she could ask how my H is doing. Or “how do you like this cool weather?” Not happening.
And what we have in common is her kids. I’m not all that close with them, having lived in another state most of their lives but I still ask questions a lot and have attended their performances. I know she’s resentful because I’m much closer to her sister’s child. I’ve spent thousands of hours with him thoughout his life and he needed me! He and I have a very strong bond I’ve never understood .

I would mention it , Aster. You are family and family should be able to talk about anything. You could mention it to her sister who will in turn tell her in a casual conversation. See what happens. Don’t do it accusingly like but just casually. like ” And How was my day? After you ask her of hers? Or go the second hand way.

@Frenchfry Thanks but she can’t stand her sister and would go through the roof if she thought I had spoken of her . They are estranged from one another and almost never speak.

@Aster I apologize I never knew that.

She is self centered at this time in her life. She doesn’t want to know about your life because it takes away from what she is saying about herself. Hopefully, in time, she will get back around to listening to the things you have to say.

I think @tinyfaery is right. Now that I reflect on my relationship with my mother I think I do the same as your daughter. And in normal circumstances I’m usually the guy that takes pride in the fact that I never try to talk about myself unless asked.

I need to rectify this situation.

Unlike your daughter most of my life is problems so I am looking for help/suggestions.

Quite often personality traits are picked up from their parents so perhaps either you or her father carried on about themselves as well while raising her???

carried on? LOL Well, he spoke of little else but himself, really. A true egomaniac if I ever knew one!

@Cruiser everything was always about him. I wasn’t nearly as interested in myself as I was in him. We had that in common.
): He called the shots, that’s for sure.

@Aster So does this then answer your question? Problem solved?? Case closed??

I guess. I will try to believe that she acts this way because she thinks of me as “mommy” and someone to talk at, not with. And attempt to not be as hurt by it. Thank you, Jellies.

Well as they say,you treat people how to treat you.
I would most certainly say something to her about it.She might not like it,and might throw a fit,but she needs to hear it.It might improve things between you once she finishes with her meltdown. ;)

IMHO, your daughter is being very selfish. At her age she should know better, but you will need to tell her how you feel. I don’t know why you are reluctant to act on this. You don’t want her to be mad at you, but she is treating you very poorly and I doubt she realizes this. I had this conversation with my sis-in-law. I know it isn’t the same as a daughter situation, but she really didn’t perceive that was what she was doing. She thought she was “sharing,” but after I explained how I felt she made an effort to ask about me & my life. She’s still totally self-absorbed, but she has made progress and I am happy about that.