Do you know any old people's jokes?
Asked by
BoBo1946 (
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)
September 27th, 2010
Thought this one was hilarious.
There was this guy who really takes care of his body; he lifts weights and jogs six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror and admired his body and noticed that he was tanned all over with the exception of his penis, which he readily decided to do something about.
He went to the beach, undressed, and buried himself in the sand except for his penis, which he left sticking out.
Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand she began to move it around with her cane. Remarking to the other old lady saying, “There is really no Justice in the world” The other old lady said, “What do you mean by that?” The first old lady said, “Look at that…....
When I was 20, I was curious about it
When I was 30, I enjoyed it
When I was 40, I asked for it
When I was 50, I paid for it
When I was 60, I prayed for it
When I was 70, I forgot it
And now that I’m 80, the damn things are growing WILD and I’m too old to squat!!”
What would be your best old people’s joke?
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@ucme Old is, And he adds Sure I’ve gotten old I’ve had 2 bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes I’m half blind can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. I have bouts with dementia, poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore, can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92 but Thank God I still have my driver’s licence”
An old couple going to sleep. The woman is already in the bad, the man is coming out of the bathroom, into the bed by his wife, then slips his hand into her’s and both fall asleep. The next evening the same happening. Bed time, hand holding, sleep. The third night everything starts the same way, the man crawls into bed, try to reach for his wife’s hand, but the woman says: Not tonight John, it was an exhausting day… :)
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
Old is when your wife says “Let’s go upstairs and make love”, and you answer, “Honey, I can’t do both”
An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After lying in bed for a few minutes the old man cuts a fart and says, “one – nil.”
His wife rolls over and says, “What in the world was that?”
“Goal. I’m ahead one nil.”
A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, “Goal, 1 – 1 we’re drawing.”
After about ten minutes the old man farts again and says, “Goal! I’m ahead 2 -1”
Now starting to get into it, the wife quickly farts again and says “Goal, I’m equal.”
He can’t fart! So, not to be outdone by his wife, he gives it everything he has, trying for one more fart. Straining real hard, the old man shits in the bed.
The wife asks, “What in the hell was that?”
The old man replies, “Half-time . . . switch sides.”
Three old blokes are walking down the street. One says “Windy, isn’t it?”
“No,” says the second. “It’s Thursday.”
“So am I,” says the third. “Let’s go to the pub.”
Everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work.
The gleam in your eye is the sun shining on your bifocals.
You feel like the morning after… but you haven’t BEEN anywhere.
You get winded playing cards.
Your little black book contains only names ending in MD.
.
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other,” Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?” “Outstanding,” Fred replied. “They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great.” “That’s great! And what was the name of the clinic?” Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn’t remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, “What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?”
“You mean a rose?”
“Yes, that’s it!” He turned to his wife, “Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?”
From here
Old is when going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
Old is when “pulling an all-nighter” means you didn’t have to get up to go to the bathroom.
What weighs 20 pounds and stinks of piss ?
(A) A pensioners washing basket .
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says, “Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’ re about my age. How do you feel?”
Slim says, “I feel just like a new-born baby. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.”
An elderly man walks into a confessional. He tells the priest:
‘I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children and grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.’
Priest: ‘Are you sorry for your sins?’
Man: ‘What sins?’
Priest: ‘What kind of a Catholic are you?’
Man: ‘I’m Jewish.’
Priest: ‘Then why are you telling me all this?’
Man: ‘I’m 92 years old… I’m telling everybody!’
Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on the television.
The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.
Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.
Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.
Grandma scowled at him and said, “I guess you just don’t get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead.”
i don’t know any old people.
An old man has a doctor’s appointment, so his wife accompanies him. The doctor says, “Okay, I’m going to need a sample of your urine, stool, and semen.” The old man, hard of hearing, says, “What??” His wife says, “The doctor needs your underpants, sweetie.”
How the old woman washes her back?
She puts soap on the front of her tits, then slaps them back behind her.
My granny was recently beaten to death by my granddad.
Not as in ‘with a stick’ – he just died first.
Old Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna’s heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, “Edna, I have good news and bad news.
The good news is you’re being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I’m so sorry, but he’s dead.”
Edna replied, “He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?”
laughing my a@@ off my friend.
An 80 year old man is getting married and decides to pay the doc a visit for a physical. The doc and the old man chat for a few minutes, and the old man says, “Doc, you won’t believe this, but I need the physical because I’m getting married again!” The doc congratulates him and asks about his bride to be. The old man tells him “Oh, she’s so beautiful and she’s only 25.” The doc really congratulates him and performs the physical. The doc says, “You’re in pretty good shape, but since you’re getting up there in age, I’d suggest you find someone to keep your new wife happy.” The old man thinks for a minute then says, “You’re probably right doc, thanks for the tip.”
About 6 months go by and the doc bumps into the old man at the gas station. They shake hands and the doc asks, “So how’re things going?” The old man tells him “Things are going great! Amazing in fact. My wife is pregnant!” The doc says, “Oh that’s great, so you found someone to keep her happy then?” The old man smiles really big and says, “I sure did, and I got HER pregnant too!”
A very elderly and frail gentleman turned to his equally aged friend, Bob, and asked if he could remember the name of the stuff the army used to put in their cups of tea, during WW 1, to stop the soldiers getting randy in the trenches. His companion remembered the ingredient but couldn’t remember what it was called. He asked, however, why his friend wanted to know. The answer was,‘Well, you know Bob, I think it’s started to work’.
Thanks @BoBo1946 I always enjoy a goo laugh. Here’s my last one for the night. Bed time;~)
Here is a cute one I heard on the radio: Some friends of an old gentleman decided to get him something special for his birthday. They bought him a hooker. She went to his house and knocked on the door. Upon opening it she said “Hi I am your birthday present.” He responded, “What am I supposed to do with you?” “I am yours for super sex”, she answers. He replies: “Well I am 90 years old so I will take the soup.”
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