What is your opinion on sleeping around with friends?
Asked by
Kokoro (
1424
)
September 28th, 2010
Both single, messing around with each other… basically fulfilling each other’s physical needs but nothing more than that. What is your opinion or experience with it?
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103 Answers
As long as you are both okay with the consequences. Will you be jealous if your friend gets a girlfrined and you are left out? It is easy to say we’re just friends who fuck, but there are attachments that can be formed all the same whether you expect it to or not. Be careful. You can’t go back to the way it was once you cross that path.
I don’t have a problem with it at all. The relationship arrangements of other people is absolutely none of my business. I know more than one person who is a drifter of this kind. They set up boundaries, understand the consequences, and always use protection. Personally, I don’t think I could separate my emotions from the experience.
People in their early 20’s tend to do the most of this. It slows down (usually) as you grow older. For some people, it’s a part of growing up.
Sleep overs and pajama parties! Yay! If everyone is okay with it, why not?
I couldn’t do it and think it is an issue that needs to be looked at in great detail. What if there is a pregnacy? What if others are going to be hurt by it? Just a bunch of questions need to arise.
Do you ask about a moral evaluation, or possible consequences for your friendship?
Please be more clear.
@Discobitch Both… just trying to get a conversation on this topic flowing.
Well. Your question is very open and there are countless possibilities depending on the properties of the friends and their history. More data is needed.
I don’t have any moral opposition, I wouldn’t look down upon any friends if they did it.
But I think I’d be reluctant to take part in it myself. On second thought, I wouldn’t mind a pajama party with @chyna.
Someone always eventually wants more.
No thanks.I require more than that because
@lucillelucillelucille Very good answer!
It’s degrading, self destructive and selfish. And it frequently destroys friendships.
hmmmm that’s a no-no! for me. What if you get pregnant and your friend is going to be your baby father??????
that’s kinda whicked.
And then as your kid grows older, she/he’s gonna ask you how you got pregnant and what are you going to say?
“We were just fucking as friends nothing else and it accidentally happened???”
There are always consequences and even with consenting adults. Personally, I chose not too. Everyone else, that is their business.
@eden2eve How did you reach the conclusion that it is “degrading, self-destructive and selfish”? Surely it can lead to the end of some friendships, particularly those who leap into this sort of arrangement without thinking things through, but it doesn’t always.
@Thesexier That’s what contraceptives are for. Pregnancy is not the result of every sexual encounter. A possibility, yes. A sure-fire result? No. Everyone, whether they are sleeping with multiple partners or are in a monogamous relationship, should be using contraceptives. At any rate, the friends I have who are in open physical relationships, always have a plan for cases like this. And not all of them are heterosexual… so pregnancy is a non-issue for them.
@sarcasm This Saturday, bring your own pillow. :-)
@muppetish How do you reach the conclusion that it is not? It’s just an opinion. We’re all entitled to those, are we not?
I was in a friendship like this for about 15 years, starting my first year in college.
As long as all parties involved are clear on what, if any, the boundaries are, I think it can be a wonderful experience. It certainly was for me, and we are still good friends all these years later. When there were difficulties, it was solely due to overstepping the boundaries. There is nothing at all immoral or wrong or selfish about two consenting adults enjoying each other’s company.
@eden2eve Of course everyone is entitled to an opinion. I offered my opinion and how I came to develop that opinion (observation and conversation with those who have been involved in the situation noted in the original post.) All I am asking is how you came to develop your opinion. You do not have to explain if you don’t want to… but you can’t expect that nobody is going to submit inquiries if you don’t provide additional information.
@crisw I guess that would depend on the morals of the person.
I also consider it a degradation, taking somehing that should be special between two people and reduing it to nothing more than the scratching of an itch that a dog does in public with no more thought that it is capable of.
I have no censure for those who engage in this behaviour, only a refusal to act in this manner myself and, of course, a desire not to share my body with someone else who is so casual about it.
@JustmeAman
“I guess that would depend on the morals of the person.”
There are two ways to interpret your statement. One is that, if it doesn’t fit a given person’s morals, then don’t do it. I agree.
The other possible interpretation is that a morality that allows such relationships is faulty. I strenuously disagree. If no one is harmed, no moral wrong is incurred.
“Should be special between two people.”
Free translation: “should occur according to the Christian substrate in our social paradigm”.
It could be special between friends. Besides, friends, lovers, strangers, what is this, set theory? Who needs cathegories, classes and groups?
I didn’t say a thing like what you presented. It is up to the person and their morality. And again the judgment of wrong, who’s judgment are we talking about? Are you assuming that everyone agrees with that assessment?
well, i’m reading some of these answers, but there are lots of rumors going around town. ummm… some of these rumors will make your socks roll up and down like window shades! Just saying.
I have done this in the past and I have never had any problems with it ever. One friend and I had sex off and on for years. Sex is what it is….If you choose to take it further than that then you will find yourself dealing with new emotions and feelings beyond the obvious.
Anyone that cares to consider this degrading or to tell me that sex should be love or it should be special can really take their religious morals elsewhere.
Sex is just sex. Love is love. Why do people insist on confusing the two?
Sex to me is no more special than aerobic masturbation. It is more fun with others and it keeps the stomach flat.
If you care to embark on the journey you have to make sure you are mature enough to handle the ride.
@Discobitch Translate however you like. The OP has asked for opinions. I have given mine. I feel no need to justify it, nor to explain my rationale to someone who chooses to jump to conclusions and assign their own interpretation to the words of others.
@JustmeAman I think, and @crisw may correct me if I am wrong, that it is because there is nothing inherently wrong about two consenting adults having sex. On an individual basis, as you mentioned, a single person may view it as immoral (and in that case, may choose to not participate.) I think what is causing conflicting views in this case if that if one person views it as personally immoral, then there is an underlying implication that those who do not view it as immoral are committing some wrong. The projection of immorality on those individuals is what I have a problem with.
My answer was firmly tongue in cheek if anyone didn’t catch that.
@Trillian
My comment was more general. It’s a mode of thought I witness often enough.
So I won’t be too surprised if you as well base youself upon some kind of “values”.
okay, I’m watching you girls….got my eye on you! actually, both.
@Discobitch Your comment was a direct quote from my response. I do believe that I have values. How singular of you to imply that this is not a good thing. Trillian out.
I see friends with benefits as a sure fire way to end or at the very least ruin a perfectly good friendship.
@Trillian
Yes. Your response was a good illustration of my point. So then I used it.
@muppetish
I say exactly, as well because how it was presented was that it is not morally wrong if someone is not hurt but what if others morals think that you are harmed if you engage in such behavior? So someone else with other morals view the statement as you stated as well.
I personally probably couldn’t do it, but If two people can do it without screwing up their friendship I’m not going to judge them. Whatever works to make someone happy is ok by me.
@JustmeAman
“what if others morals think that you are harmed if you engage in such behavior?”
Irrelevant. They can worry all they want about someone, but, any individual with unimpaired mental faculties is the best jusdge of what is or is not harmful to that individual.
In reality, such paternalistic attitudes cause more harm, as they lead to discrimination, disparagement, and, in the extreme form, situations like we see in countries such many in the Middle East, where women can be stoned to death for engaging in perfectly natural and harmless behavior.
@Adirondackwannabe i’m being ignored again! <I’m leaving> Cannot find a girl here that is interested in old fat baldheaded men! Oh well.. Think i will go do some pushups! If they only knew…dang.
@muppetish , ahh that completely went off my mind and didn’t come back until you wrote to me :P
Yeah then you can bang your friend I guess :D
@lucillelucillelucille I watched that video without sound and, for the life of me, I can not figure out how it relates to this question. I suppose it must have something to do with the dialog. @Adirondackwannabe cracks that he wonders what kind of head he gives, which I don’t ever want to think about. Anyway, anyone care to explain?
Lordy Lordy The things that come up here. I think it is WRONG so I will not engage in it. PERIOD!!!!!!!!! Now where is a Middle East woman I can stone? Good Grief.
@wundayatta -He says that he is not an animal.I am definitely not that.See what I mean?
What separates humans from animals?
@JustmeAman
Exaggeration.
I clearly stated that, if you feel it’s not wrong, don’t do it. And that is just fine!
The problem is when people project their personal morals to situations where they do not apply and use them to judge, condemn or otherwise harm other people. I am not saying thaqt you do that, but that is the issue.
It goes both ways we can become a society where there are no morals as well. It just gets me how agrumentive this place is. And the points being made. It is total exaggeration.
What morals are needed, and why?
I asked a question, actually.
What base set of morality is needed in a society according to you, and why?
I will give you just one. How about killing others?
How did we go from sleeping with a friend to killing others?
You guys are totally straying away from the base of the question. You are sounding a bit ridiculous.
If I had to guess I’d say neither of you are mature enough to handle a “no strings attatched” relationship.
@Trillian When friends have sex, it doesn’t mean they exchange their closeness for a dog itch – some of us are perfectly capable of complex interactions that maintain a friendship and simply enrich it by sexual relations, if necessary.
To the OP: I am all for these kinds of interactions, given the right people – but that’s how I am, I look at sex in a free manner, as a positive experience and nothing to jump into but nothing to avoid either. People think friendships are either about the physical or not…things aren’t that clear, for some – sometimes you want to be physical with a friend but not in a sexual manner, where is the space for that? What about naps, hugs, stroking – we, as a society, can’t seem to deal with nuance when it comes to this issue, whatsoever.
@judochop
Sorry about that I guess I am so new that I haven’t yet learned to not take the bait. I will try harder to ignore the baited responses. Sorry to you all.
Those are not friends.
Just easy lays.
And, what @Trillian is going to say.
@ChazMaz So when, on a rare occasion, one of my good friends (that I’ve been friends with for 7 years) and I have sex, we’re not friends? I am obviously not one in need of an ‘easy lay’ don’t you think?
@Simone_De_Beauvoir How ‘bout this; You enjoy your life and live it how you want without reference to me or my opinions, and I will do the same. I gave the OP my opinion, for which he/she asked, and to which I am entitled, if am to undstand correctly the freedoms granted to me in this country.
Go again to my inital post. I do not try to change your opinion or tell you that you are incorrect according to my standards. Why can you not grant me the same courtesy? Do you see me trying to put my interpretation on your motivations because they do not match my own? Do you see me explaining your beliefs based on my differing view point?
Please allow for the idea that others have differing opinions from yours, and that you do not understand the motivations or reasoning behind them. You can assign motivations, but they are based on your experiences and lens of perception, not theirs.
“I am obviously not one in need of an ‘easy lay’ don’t you think?”
But that is just what you were. ;-)
And, it was stated in this post… “Both single, messing around with each other”.
Messing around is the key statement. The word “friend” being used to make a connection in order to get some. Can’t have sex with a stranger. So let’s call each other “friends”.
@Trillian Since this is a dialogue what we’re doing is not yelling at each other but perhaps encouraging one another to stop thinking so one-sidedly…something in your response was so sharp and bitter (to me) that I wanted to soften your opinions by talking about myself – this was a ‘with you’ conversation not an ‘against you’ kind of comment.
@ChazMaz No, dear love, she’s got more partners than me and doesn’t need one either.
Ok, then you are both just horny dogs. ;-)
Take it into context of the question.
it has got to be the moon’s fault….
Whatever 2 single consenting adults to with each other is fine by me and has nothing to do with me. I don’t do this kind of thing though so i have no experience with it.
@NaturallyMe that is exactly what I said…. here it is… There are always consequences and even with consenting adults. Personally, I chose not too. Everyone else, that is their business. No one liked it…i’m heart broken..loll
@NaturallyMe we just think a like…hmmm.. is that a good thing? I think it is good….
@Discobitch- What separates humans from animals? Animals cannot make abstractions nor form concepts.
@Discobitch-The higher animals are able to perceive entities, motions, attributes, and certain numbers of entities. But what an animal cannot perform is the process of abstraction—of mentally separating attributes, motions or numbers from entities. It has been said that an animal can perceive two oranges or two potatoes, but cannot grasp the concept “two.”-Ayn Rand
Concepts
A concept is a mental integration of two or more units which are isolated by a process of abstraction and united by a specific definition. By organizing his perceptual material into concepts, and his concepts into wider and still wider concepts, man is able to grasp and retain, to identify and integrate an unlimited amount of knowledge, a knowledge extending beyond the immediate concretes of any given, immediate moment.
In any given moment, concepts enable man to hold in the focus of his conscious awareness much more than his purely perceptual capacity would permit. The range of man’s perceptual awareness—the number of percepts he can deal with at any one time—is limited. He may be able to visualize four or five units—as, for instance, five trees. He cannot visualize a hundred trees or a distance of ten light-years. It is only his conceptual faculty that makes it possible for him to deal with knowledge of that kind.
Man retains his concepts by means of language. With the exception of proper names, every word we use is a concept that stands for an unlimited number of concretes of a certain kind. A concept is like a mathematical series of specifically defined units, going off in both directions, open at both ends and including all units of that particular kind. For instance, the concept “man” includes all men who live at present, who have ever lived or will ever live—a number of men so great that one would not be able to perceive them all visually, let alone to study them or discover anything about them.-Ayn Rand
@Discobitch
Ayn Rand was not an ethologist, nor any type of expert in animal behavior. She studied history and theater.
And she is wrong. There is very good evidence that many animals recognize many of the concepts that you would grant to humanity. Apes and dolphins, for example, can use abstract symbols to represent words. As far as conceptualizing “two,” any one who has ever trained a retriever can testify to the ability of dogs to recognize numeracy. Throw out three bumpers as the dog watches, none of which the dog can see from a starting position, and a trained retriever will bring back three. He won’t stop at two or look for a fourth.
Quoting the bitch queen of Libertarian Trolls to describe animal behaviour. The best one so far. What will com next, Aristotle quoted to describe postmodernism?
I remember even seeing a National Geographic video about a parrot able to identify not only numbers, but also colours and materials.
There is actually plenty of evidence animals are able to count, distinguish form, shape, and solve problems that aren’t instinctive nor are done by trial and error.
There are even thoughts that some animals, for example crows, have a limited understanding of what is called “folk physics”, since experiments have been made where they were shown a situation where gravity was “turned off”, and they were puzzled by it.
I’ve had one fuck buddy in my lifetime. However, we didn’t sleep together to only fulfill each other’s sexual needs. We truly had a very strong bond and we cared and loved each other very much and while contemplating the possibility of a relationship, we came to the conclusion that we both weren’t interested, but because of this profound connection, we decided to have fun and fool around anyway, while understanding the consequences that could possibly evolve. The experience only lasted for about 4 months. He now has a girlfriend and our friendship is still very much intact. A rare occurrence? Yes. I guess you can say we both got lucky. No pun intended.
In the end, what I do in the bedroom with another person consumes less than 5% of my life and shouldn’t be of any concern to anyone else and doesn’t in any way define who I am as a person.
To answer the question, I pretty much feel the same regarding other people in these types of situations. It’s truly none of my business, mainly because I have no idea why these two people are sleeping together on a regular basis when they are not in a relationship. It could be for the same reason of why him and I did.
Fortunately, nothing about the experience for me was degrading, selfish or self-destructive. In fact, it was a profound growing period for both of us.
I realize this is a different experience from what is being asked because I definitely wouldn’t define it as casual sex, but that’s the one and only experience I have and the bottom line is that everyone has a story and that story follows us in the majority of the decisions we make.
So let’s all get drunk and fuck each other.
Never thought about it and never done it and didn’t realise how common it seems to be. You live and you learn. If it happened with me I wouldn’t consider the other person a friend but a lover. I can have lots of friends but only one lover. There is a difference in my mind between friendship and love and I like to keep the two distinct. It isn’t morality so much it is just how I see things.
@crisw – Symbols whether audilble,visual or otherwise are not abstractions and the fallacy with your dog example is that it is as you have stated, a “trained” retriever.It cannot conceptualize “three”.It can count to three but it cannot abstract the concept of “three”,without there being bumpers to count.
@lucillelucillelucille I am a bit surprised you as a dog owner would be so quick to rule even a dog as not able to conceptualize? My old pooch was brilliant and exhibited all kinds of “intelligent” actions accompanied by very obvious emotional responses. She wasn’t smart enough to do my taxes like yours but she was really good at crossword puzzles. ;)
@Cruiser-Once one stops assigning human attributes to animals,then they will begin to live in the real world ;)
How about I ask the question so we can get back to having a friend polishing my knob?
@Cruiser-Yes,I have that she can count but can’t grasp the concept of numbers or accounting.
;)
What seperates humans fron animals? The missionary position! Oh & keeping our dangly bits, for the most part, covered up :¬)
“Once one stops assigning human attributes to animals,then they will begin to live in the real world ;)”
Right on! And, GA.
@Discobitch -
Ad hominem attacks toward that which you apparently do not understand begs the question of whether you yourself are capable of conceptualization. There is a method necessary for this and that method consists of identification through perception, of understanding similarities and abstracting to form concepts, of reaching conclusions by drawing inferences and making deductions, which gives rise to new answers thereby building knowledge into an constantly growing inventory. The concept which instructs this method is :reason and the method is called thinking.
@lucillelucillelucille
Ad hominem is one thing, but come on, Ayn Rand?
That is something for misunderstood high school kids that want to justify their lonerness. And libertarianism can only be taken seriously on an American board.
You expect me to respect the opinions of a writer that doesn’t respect Jack Schitt? (http://www.avolites.org.uk/jokes/jack-schitt.htm)
And. You write off biological studies as “learned behaviour and cause and effect”?
Perhaps it is a good idea to put away the ego-stroking Rand.
@Discobitch – You can’t argue the point.You still resort to ad hominem.No sense to talking to you.
What is there to argue? You quote a non-biologist, even a non-scientist, even someone who hasn’t made any significant contributions in any field, to describe animal behaviour.
“Cause and effect, learned behaviour” was not a good answer. Not for the information I provided you. You ignored it, stuck to Randism, and answered with a one-liner.
With a one-liner that said exactly that which I disproved one post earlier.
[mod says] Belatedly. Flame off, folks. No need to make this personal.
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