Would you please tell me your sad tale of self destruction?

Fucked up a relationship (purposely pushed her away) and dropped out of University twice (two different programs). As far as school, I could handle both subject areas, but, since I wasn’t able to do my best and ace everything (I had other things going on in my life at the time that were distracting me. One of them being depression), anxiety kicked in and I felt that I needed to bail. It’s a terrible habit of mine and I’m working on changing it.

The same with relationships; I do it in an effort to protect myself from hurt. “I’m gonna get out of this before she hurts me”. Sometimes, when they get too close, that freaks me out and I pull away or push them away.

Hello, therapy, my old friend..

Oh dear, what a question. Let’s see. I drank like a fish daily for about 18 years, give or take a year. I really don’t remember, because I was drunk. I got out of that one by having an epiphany regarding my health and imminent death if I should continue drinking like that, so I went to a 12-step program, and they taught me how to live one day at a time without a drink.

Another thing I did was that was destructive was to allow my upbringing’s imprint on me to make me fear death and hell and such, and since I was gay, I was certainly headed there. I thought I could avoid it by marrying a nice young lady and having kids. That worked about as well as you might expect: a gay man married to a woman having kids. I’ll tell you honestly it was the drinking that got me through that. After I sobered up, I left the marriage, and now we’re good friends and the kids are all happy and healthy. Of course, that took many years and a lot of therapy. I should also add that I’m very happy to be gay now. Therapy and just living out helped with that.

When ever my daughter-in-law acts up so much I can’t stand it anymore, I tell her off, which just makes the whole thing worse. I believe in the Power of Ignore, but sometimes she gets under my skin.

Fear keeps me from trying things. Fear, and perfectionism.

why should/would I tell you? Why should/would anyone tell you? Why trumpet what one usually tries to conceal for no reason other than someone asked you?

@anartist Ummmm, because this is a Question and Answers site???

@YARNLADY it is not a bare-your-ass site. Or even a bare-your-soul site.

I smoked too much weed for 20 years, Thankfully, my life has moved on and I very rarely touch it now.

@anartist got’cha my friend, but you don’t have to answer the question!

My divorce three years ago was the toughest thing I’ve ever gone through. The only thing that kept my sanity was my Faith. Time is a great healer. I’m find today, but it was a very dark period in my life.

excuse my poor proofreading…I’m fine today….i’m still looking for someone to find me! lol

My fears, perfectionism, need to please other people, worrying about what other people think, and making my self throw up.

@anartist Some people (although obviously not you) find that it helps to tell their stories. Somehow, telling them can help you let go of them and heal from them. This is an anonymous site. No one would know you from Tom Cruise if they were to pass you on the street.

There is nothing to lose from telling stories here. And there is everything to gain. That’s why people do it. And of course, no one is being forced to do it. I asked, but you don’t have to answer. It’s not as if I’m going to show up on your doorstep with an iron maiden to try to force you to give me an answer. Especially if you don’t have an answer.

At my very first job after graduation, I went to pull a tooth on a big guy in a small operatory and he attacked me. Don’t know if that had anything to do with it, but I had to take anti-anxiety medication to keep working. It quit working, so I started self-medicating. That was a downward spiral and I lost my career, my kids, ended up being a homeless junkie. At the very end of my rope, I met someone who helped me, got treatment, found my kids again, and have a normal life. What got me out of it, was that I so wanted to get out of it, I was thrown a life preserver and I grabbed it with all my might.

Alcohol. I made some bad decisions because of drinking, drinking. I always contolled it for work but days off- woah! The man I was with for quite some time loved to drink and I kept up for a time. Fortunately he’s gone and I drink like regular people now. Also I was always a happy drunk, or so I think…..

I have mental illness.

I’ve been struggling with it since I was a child.

It brings me down outside of my control. Anything can set it off. A fleeting feeling, taking something the wrong way, feelings of anxiety, etc.

I have good days & bad days. There’s no real “quick fix” to get out of it.. so I sort of have to let it run its course.. especially since I’m anti-medication.

@alovehangoverr Why are you anti-medication? I’m anti-medication sometimes. I want to see what will happen. I want to see if I can control it. Sometimes I don’t care if I get depressed again—and sometimes that’s what I want.

If I didn’t have a family, I’d be off my meds. I have an edge when I’m manic that I don’t have when I’m medicated. That edge lets me do things I can’t otherwise do. Of course, I pay for that with depression, which might kill me, I suppose.

I guess I think it’s a self-destructive impulse for me to get off my meds. I stop caring what will happen. I want the danger. I want the drama. Anything so I can feel intensely. Even the bad stuff. When I think about it, as I am now, there is a rebellious part of me that says, “that might not be a bad idea.” But it’s not a strong voice. The meds basically killed it, so I can be a more stable person.

I’ve been in & out of therapy since I was 10.

I’ve been on & off medication for the last 7 years. (Since I was 16.)

My trials with medication.. were.. not great. I had terrible side effects not only from anti-depressants, but low dose tranqs, & mood stabilizers.

If they weren’t making me sick, they were making me a zombie, or careless with feelings of being indestructible. I lost weight—dropping to 90 lbs (I’m 5’6). I got sick. I shook constantly.

Changing meds was also a nightmare.. some took me 6 months to get off of just to start something new that may or may not work.

It was exhausting.. & made me feel like I was damaged & incurable.

Do I like being how I am now? Not necessarily. Do I think I need to get help again & potentially back on meds? Sometimes. I’m not off the meds because I want “danger” or “drama” or want to try & control my feelings—it’s incredibly hard to try & control this constantly. But the side effects make me question how worth it it would be for me to return to that.

My lows are incredibly low. I worry a lot about what I’ll do to myself. To others. But at this point I’m not sure what the right course of action to take is. It’s all sort of intense & too big, ya know?

Several years ago.
New management came from out of state to buy out my company, they liked me and promoted me into a position very coveted in the industry. The gave me what I asked for as far as salary, commissions, schedule, etc. They invested in me for certifications, orientation, mentoring, you name it. They didn’t like a manager friend of mine and fired him so in solidarity I resigned even when they asked me not to, even when they offered me a week of PAID to go home and reconsider/calm down. I never got a shot for that position in any other company again. I’ve never made the same money since and of course as fate would have it, my fired manager friend went and landed a better position elsewhere, just fine. My skewed sense of loyalty and pride to stand by it cost me immensely, sometimes I hate myself for that decision.

Don’t have one.
I’m fit and well.
Sorry.

I drink too much, like every night, I guess that’s pretty self destructive. I don’t have any real reason why though, that I know of. Somewhere, surely to fuck, there has to be one though. Everything about me has declined since then, probably my looks are the next to go. Alcoholic men get beer bellies, women get fat hips and thighs. Not looking forward to that, but then, meh.
My views and opinions and most importantly, how I look and approach everything, has also dropped down to a dangerous level of apathy. But that’s the point; I don’t care.
My days are spent in mostly constructive and physically active ways, but this is fueled solely by the motivation of plastering myself with alcohol in the evening.

@Neizvestnaya yours is my favourite story so far. A week paid to think about it? what a company

@trailsillustrated: I was paying all my bills, paying off my partner’s school loans, had a company provided car with gas included, was taking a 3-day trip out of town each month to gorgeous romantic spots, etc. What a fool I was, arrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!

I got into the partying lifestyle as a teen but put that behind me a long time ago.