Is He Ashamed To Be Seen With Me In Public?

So wait. Let me get this straight….

He asked you to spend the entire weekend with him, at his house… And then on one of the days of the weekend, in this case Saturday, is going to leave for a party, but he wants you to wait there for him, until he gets back from it?

There are so many things wrong with this that I don’t even know where to start. That’s not even a red flag – that’s a 50 foot, neon glowing sign with the words, “RUN THE OTHER WAY”.

He’s meeting up with another woman. If he wasn’t, he’d want to “show you off” at the party.

@FutureMemory If he has some other woman than WHY invite me over?

Big red flag!!! Either he wants to be with you or he doesn’t and his actions don’t come across as someone who really wants to be with you. I can’t believe he thinks you’re just going to sit around and wait for him. I hope you don’t do that. You deserve better! Why can’t you go to this party with him? Nope, something is really not right there…

@DrasticDreamer Yes he invited me to HIS house. And I wanna ask why I can’t go but I guess i just dont want the drama involved…

@MayBear Because to some guys two women are better than one. Even if it’s not because of another woman (which might be the case) there’s still a lot wrong with this.

Well i just asked him “well why can’t i go with you if your not gonna be there that long anyways?” lets see what he says to tha…

@MayBear :: My money is on a lie.

This does sound fishy, but you may be overreading this. I’d say ask him.

Him: I didn’t think you would be interested in it. You can come if you want.

It could be that he simply wants to spend time with his friends, and he thinks that if you’re there, he won’t be able to.

@MayBear I know a guy that lived with a woman in a different town, but still kept one on the side in his home city. When he came to visit he would bring the one he lived with, but always managed to sneak away for a few hours to spend time with the local one.

Obviously none of us know any of the particulars so it’s all very speculative, but it is pretty weird to be seeing someone and not get invited by them to parties they go to, especially if you’re spending that same day together..?

I will repeat what I always say. It has been a month and you deserve better.

You should still find their accidental farts cute. Infatuation. This is a lot of drama for a month.

@johnpowell well thank you im glad you think i deserve better.

@Hobosnake I asked him and he said “u can come if u want”

@bob_ Possibly.

@bob_ Then he shouldn’t have invited her over for the entire weekend if it conflicted with his other plans and he didn’t plan on inviting her, too.

I still think it seems weird. You don’t invite someone over for the weekend and then be like “Oh, but I have something to do. Can you wait here until I’m done?” Even if there’s no other woman, it’s bizarre.

Take him up on the offer and say you want to go. See if he still wants to go at all, if he knows you’re going with. I’m not trying to make you paranoid, and maybe you shouldn’t be. But my gut would tell me to run the other way.

@FutureMemory Yes is it weird…

@MayBear What kind of party is it? Some parties are only fun to a particular group (e.g., videogame parties), so, again, it could be that he thinks you’ll get bored if you go.

@DrasticDreamer Yeah, I didn’t say it was a genius plan :)

It is rather weird, yes.

@DrasticDreamer I’m not trying to be one of those “girls” who always has to be with my man but being invited would be nice. i could always be like no i dont want to go. But it would be nice to be INVITED or asked if im ok with it or whatever. I feel like him saying “u can if u want” is him just trying to pacify me. Which actually makes me more upset. If you dont want me to go than just say NO but than again don’t make me feel guilty for wanting to go.

YOU invited me over. YOUR the one who’s gonna go off to a party and leave me chillin in your apt.

Sorry..im not mad at you..just kinda hurt and frustrated.

@MayBear :: Replace “think” with “know”.

I think a lot of this depends on the definition of the word “party” for one thing, and what kind of guy he is, for another. Is he the type that wouldn’t even suggest that you come if he doesn’t think you want to, and is it a party he’d be predisposed to think you wouldn’t be interested in, for whatever reason? Obviously that also has a lot to do with how seriously he views your relationship, which is something that should be talked about before it’s freaked out about.

@bob_ He just said that its a friend of the families bday and that hes going with his sister (who happens to be one of my bestfriends)

@johnpowell and how do you KNOW?

@MayBear Hmm… that is very, very weird. If he says that he’s okay with you going, go and see what it’s like. I just don’t think it makes sense from him to invite you over for the entire weekend if he has someone else on the side. We can only speculate.

Im not freaking out or atleast i dont think i am. or thats not my intentions. Im just asking. Because im confused.

He hasnt been in a relationship in 3 years. His last relationship was his baby mama.

@MayBear Have you guys ever gone out on a date or anything like that?
This a Red Flag. He may just be using you.

@MayBear No, I know you’re not mad at me, no worries.

Just talk to him about it, tell him how it makes you feel, etc. If he’s going with his sister, you could always ask her about it. I’m not suggesting that you ask sneaky questions behind his back or anything, because it really could be exactly as he says – but the nice and courteous thing for him to do would have been inviting you – rather than making you wait at his apartment. Even if it’s just a birthday party for someone.

It’s either untrue (not saying it is for sure) or he really just didn’t think ahead. But asking you to wait at his apartment is still kinda rude, regardless.

I suck at dating and relationships. I havent been in a REAL one in over a year.

If it makes any difference, ive known him for 5 years. my dad and his mom are bestfriends. Im friends with his sister, cousin, and brothers wife.

I’m going to say that it’s perfectly possible that the guy is being sincere, and perhaps didn’t think this weekend all the way through.

@Deja_vu He has a 3 year old…and not alot of people to help baby sit. So does him making us dinner count as a date?
or him getting us icecream cones?
or cuddling and watching movies?

No, we’ve never gone to a resturant and had dinner. or gone and played mini golf or pool. no movies.

@MayBear So, wait, if he goes to the party, and you stay at his place, will you be baby sitting his child?

@bob_ No I won’t. Its the baby mommas weekend. (1st question i actually asked him after he said stay here and wait til i get back)

@MayBear Then I think he is being honest. Not the most attentive thing to do, but certainly not as bad as the scenarios described by others.

See what happened between the guy and his not-wife. Might be important data there.

@Nullo They are civil for their daughter but shes already engaged and preg with some other guys baby. He hates her calls her his “crazy baby mama”

I’m not going to fuck around with semantics. I think you are being used. That is all. Good luck.

Man, I really like Fluther, but the way people deal with relationships on this website is fucking nuts.

1. There are ten thousand reasons he might want to go to the party alone.
2. If you really care, ask him.
3. Otherwise, have a nice drink and don’t obsess.

@MayBear Well, that’s good, I guess. Just in case @johnpowell is right, move slowly for a while.

I really wonder about people like that guy and his not-wife, though. They tumble headlong into problems that they could avoid entirely if only they’d listen to their parents (or else if their parents would have listened to their parents).

@johnpowell Thanks for the blunt honesty. (:

@Nullo I plan on it. and my parents never gave me “love” advice.

@nikipedia LOL I would love a drink

Yeah, @nikipedia is kinda right. I didn’t mean to freak you out, if I did. I just think he should have handled it better.

Maybe I shouldn’t have answered this at all. My last relationship was full of things that weren’t what they seemed, lies, made me really paranoid, etc. I think there might be some residual shit going on with me from that. All the better that I’m still single. I’m also tired and probably shouldn’t even be answering questions right now.

I apologize for my hastiness and hope that things work out for you, and that he’s a good dude.

@MayBear I was thinking along the lines of old-school values more than ‘love advice’. ‘No extramarital sex’ saves a person a lot of drama.

@DrasticDreamer I apperciate your input. and i know how you feel. hence why ive been single for over a year (well up into a month ago) im sorry about your last relationship.

@Nullo ahhhh i see now lol

@Nullo and fun, too. Not to mention the deepening of the relationship that often results when things becomes sexual.

I think a month in there are more likely to be misunderstandings than lies anyways.

I think you’re being used and I will bet money that he has another girlfriend at the party.

@downtide not likely if you factor in the point that he’s going with his sister, who is a friend of hers.

I think you need to trust him MORE. A relationship without mutual trust will lead both of you to thorny path. I say give him a chance since he might has his own reason not to invite you to that party. Or you can attend the party in disguise and spy on him…

@FutureMemory I dare say that that could also wait until after you’re married. :\

@Nullo I don’t doubt that that’s true and can often be the case, but to me that would be like buying a car without taking it for a test drive first. No thanks.

@FutureMemory Dating is the test-drive, silly.

I would guard yourself but try to trust him. If he says you can go than go. Always talk about what you think or feel. Communication is key. Good luck!

@MayBear Does he call you his girlfriend?

He calls me Amanda, Manda, or babe. But ive never called him my boyfriend. I say my boy or call him by his name.

does him calling me girlfriend really play an important role?

@MayBear Well do you think of him as your boyfriend?

@Deja_vu I think of him as my other half, my bestfriend. So yes i guess you could say so.

@MayBear Just don’t get hurt. You seem like a sweet girl.

@Deja_vu Well thank you. And I hope not to. But i’ve learned that its a part of life, to get hurt. I am going to keep my guard up, and slow it down and see what’s really going on.

@MayBear You don’t have to slow it down. Only ask him how he feels about you. I’m trying not to be frank, but it sounds like he’s using you for companionship. Maybe you kind of know that or you wouldn’t be asking? Be with someone that makes you feel good and confident. If a guy trully wants to be serious with a girl, he’ll show you of, he’ll be proud. This might be really heart wrenching in the long run. You said you’ve known him for years and this relationship is recent? Doesn’t sound good with his behavior then? You should be courted, all girls. Not to say he doesn’t care about you or even love you, he might just be selfish. Don’t set yourself up for hurt.

@Deja_vu You hit the nail on the head.

@MayBear Do things that will make you happy. Pamper yourself and you will attract something good and worth-wild. Be good to yourself and you’ll find someone that will be good to you. Don’t set yourself up of hurt, set yourself up for success and all the goods things, life’s too short.

@Deja_vu thank you

He’s never taken you out on a date? Never been to a movie, out to dinner or anything? Why the heck are you even messing with this guy? Sounds to me like you are being used big time. Think about what you guys actually do: you go to his place and watch TV? You go to your place and watch TV? Is that it? In my book, that is a cheap guy and if he can’t buy you a dinner in over a month I wouldn’t waste one more weekend with him.

…So much talking…
I suggest the direct aproach: “Listen, I have to say I feel uncomfortable about you inviting me over, when you’re leaving for a party and leaving me here. I know you said I could come, but it’s not reallly the same as having invited me. I don’t even want to go, it just feels weird. I am sorry if I may be overreading into this, but we don’t know eachother for so long, so I would really appreciate if you would explain to me what is going on, so I can decide if I want to come to this weekend and/or to this party”

+ keep in mind that having been dating for only a month, a family event could just be inappropriate and that he might really not think that two hours out of a whole weekend make a diffrence.. sometimes men are just a little insensitiveץ

One thought I had as a possibility as to why a guy would do this is that maybe if your relationship is new, he might not want to bring you around just yet because to some guys, introducing a girl to his friends means a big deal, like introducing to his family. However, then he should not ask you over for the weekend.

Also, if your family and friends knows his family and friends, he may take you for granted like you’re just a hangout friend (hangout friend with benefits?). He may not respect you like he would a stranger that he is romantic with because you’re just one of the crowd. Now if you are just one of the crowd, then why not invite you to the party?

It could be because he’s young and stupid, and does not know any better. He may not know that women would like certain treatment, would like to be respected, would like to be included, would not like to be expected to just hang around the house and wait home for him to come and fuck.

Believe me, when i was young, i tolerated a whole lot more in relationships then I would now. I had a lot of friends and at that time we did not call them friends with benefits, but it was all casual and I did not mind a lot of stuff from guys, especially if i liked them, hanging out at their place might be a better alternative then not seeing them at all. Now I know better.

Hopefully the guy has some spare money and can take you out places. I say hopefully because you sound young, and i know sometimes when you’re young there’s not a whole lot of spare money for things like restaurants.

So let us know an update (I am all about updates on Fluther and I will usually request one). If you would like, let us know the outcome, please. Did you go to the party?

@jca I agree with your points. And I agree young people sometimes don’t have a lot of money for restaurants, but I think he could come up with enough money to buy her a burrito or a taco.

@chyna : true. There’s always the dollar menu!!

Hey fellow jellies. sorry been gone all weekend. and what a weekend it was. Friday night me and him went to TGIF. He surprised me with it. And Saturday night i did go to the party and when asked who i was he said “oh thats my girl” so that made me feel even better. BUT i fell into a hole and ended up tearing a legiment so went to the hospital and now am on bedrest for a wk. tho after 3 days im going to say fuck it and get up. cause im already going crazy. All in all i have an amazing weekend. Thank you all so much for the wonderful advice. I appericate it so much. <3

@MayBear Glad you had a good weekend. Sorry about the ligament. You really should do as the doctor said.