A relationship question (groan) - apologies in advance.

This is probably not your situation, but I did have a guy I lived with want to live in a town I absolutely refused to live in. Too much traffic, and the property value was over inflated just because of the so called “up and coming” area. He left and is living in that town paying way too much for an apartment that I would never live in. (I have a house.) When I look back on the whole situation, I think he just did that so he could find a reason to leave. Don’t let the door hit you in the a$$ as you leave, jerk.

Very early on in our relationship, he made it clear that his employment was the biggest consideration about where we would live. I agree to that, and have moved around accordingly.

No, not ever before. With my current partner there’s been no ultimatum per se but he’s made it clear he wouldn’t leave this state while his children are still young and I’m in agreement it’s better for the family to stay local if possible. For people trying to blend two families then this must be frustrating.

I dealt with it by breaking up with her. I don’t respond well to ultimatums.

No, that would not be a relationship I would want/ or could be in. I have to have shared goals and plans with my partner.

For instance, with my partner, we picked a place where he could work on movies and I could work in the mental health field. Anywhere we thought to live we considered each others’ needs. It was never an untimatum because we both took into account the fact that if we wanted to be together we needed to pick a place that would help us work towards our goals. After 2 years, we have both found our home (took hubby a little longer than I) and both of our professional and personal needs are met. What could be better? It’s definitely hepled with a happy relationship.

It gives me pause, to think over the dynamics in the relationship.

A boyfriend told me that if I moved out of the suburbs and into Chicago downtown to be closer to work, I’d become GUD (geographically undesirable). I stayed in the suburbs.

I’ve never been issued with an ultimatum. If I was, that would very likely be the end of the relationship. Where we live is dictated as much by my disability as by our employment.

I wasn’t given an ultimatum, but I knew when I married my husband I would have to travel where ever the military wanted to go. If I would have had an ultimatum, it probably would have ended things. Ultimatums usually mean the person giving it doesn’t really care about how the other person feels on the matter.

Is she using this as a way to get out of the relationship?

@wundayatta Quite the opposite.

What is the consequence she is threatening you with if you don’t move wherever it is she wants to move?

I don’t deal well with ultimatums.

I believe relationships are about compromise—not saying “if you don’t do this, I’m leaving you.”

Is this a reoccurring theme in your relationship?

@wundayatta It’s an ultimatum. It’s her way or the highway.

@zen_ So she is using it as a way to dissolve the relationship?

Nope. You keep asking that. She wants me to move in with her.

If it’s an ultimatum, there has to be an “or else” if you don’t move in with her. What is it?

If the ultimatum is move in with me or we brake up I would call her bluff. If you do not want to live in her town and she knows this, why is she giving you an ultimatum? Why can’t things just stay as they are, going back and forth to each others place for now?

Not everyone thinks the same way. Perhaps she thinks she is correct, you know, like parents to children: this might sound wrong now – but you’ll thank me later kinda thing.